FilmIndia (Dec 1937 - Apr 1938)

March 1938 FILMINDIA AUSPICIOUS "Archie writes to say he's throwing his birthday party on Saturday." "But isn't that the night of the local 'black-out'?" "Of course. That's the reason! " COURTESY The tourist, trying to be funny, suddenly pointed to a scarecrow and remarked: "I suppose that is one of the natives?" Smart guide: "Oh, no,, sir; just a visitor like yourself." "G" MAN? An American sergeant relates this experience during the war. "While watching the German lines through my fieid-glasses one afternoon, I saw a German on duty, guarding an ammunition dump. Picking up my rifle, I adjusted the sights and fired a quick shot, knocking the cigarette lighter that he was holding out of his hand. Realizing the opportunity to exercise my marksmanship, I took careful aim and fired again — but I'm almost ashamed to tell you the rest of the story. I had to shoot five times more before I spun the wheel on the lighter, lit it, and blew up that dump!" AND YET! "Ah, old fellow," said a man meeting a friend in the street, Allow me to congratulate you, "so you are married at last, for I hear you have an excellent and accomplished wife." "I have, indeed," was the reply. "Why she's perfectly at home in literature, at home in music, at home in art, at home in science — in short, she's at home everywhere except — " "Except what?" "Except at home." A DOUBLE JOB The chief constable of a small town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night the telephone bell rang. The chief constable's wife answered it. "Is that Mr. Jenkins?" asked an agitated voice. "Do you want my husband in his capacity as veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?" "Both, madam," came the reply. "We can't get our new bulldog to open his mouth, and there's a burglar in it." AND NOW! "A flirt, am I?" cried Mary Anne, under notice to go. "Well, I know them as flirts more than I do, and with less excuse," she added with a spiteful look at her mistress. "I'm better looking than you, much better. An' 'ow do I know? Your husband told me so." "That will do," said the lady of the house frigidly. "But I ain't finished yet," retorted Mary Anne. "I can kiss you into a cocked 'at. Want to know 'oo told me that?" "If you mean to suggest that my husband " "No, it wasn't your 'usband this time — it was your chauffeur!" SAID IT The teacher was putting a question to the class. "What do we call a man," he asked, "who keeps on talking and talking when people are no longer interested". "Please, Sir, replied a boy, "a teacher". ROUGH HOUSE "If you want to spend a quiet half-hour," said the native to a visitor, "there is no better place than our art gallery." "Just a minute," replied the stranger. "I've been reading about it in the guide-book. It says that the visitor, on entering it struck by the statue of Hercules. Then he is stunned by the splendour of the great staircase. A picture in the first room is full of punch, while farther on one is crushed by the overwhelming magnificence of another painting. Finally, brilliant colours run riot everywhere. No sir, if a want a quiet half hour, I'll take a boxing lesson". RIPE "Joan, darling, you are a veritable oasis in the desert!" "No, Jack, I'm not as green as all that!" AND YOU A chorus girl deliciously pretty but decidedly lowbrow, somehow found herself at a very select party given by a famous Society woman. The girl, lonely and uncomfortable as a fish out of water, was leaning against the wall, framed against the dark oak, when the hostess took pity on her. "My dear," she said kindly, "you look like an old Rembrandt". "Well", retorted the damsel, sharply, "you don't look too darned snappy yourself." A COMMUNITY Fastidious Actor: "Are you absolutely sure these lodgings don't contain a single flea?" Landlady: (Wearily): "Positive! They're all married with large families!" 47