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'Now listen to me, you Wednesday night hawk . . ."
"You mean your blood would boil if you had any!"
THE MIGHTY
BBNNY
A LIE H FEUD
THE famous radio feud between Fred (Hatfield) Allen and Jack (McCoy) Benny that has been rocking America's airminded listeners with laughter for more than a year, has now passed into history. But anything as funny as that feud shouldn't be allowed to do anything of the kind — which is why we've re-created it in print. Here's the whole furious fight, from beginning to end, ready for the first time for you to read.
How did it start? Well, it actually began when a gent named Schubert wrote a harmless composition called "The Bee". For years Jack Benny had been hankering to play "The Bee" on his program as a violin solo, and for years he had been discouraged, sometimes by sheer force. But one night he came out flatfooted with the announcement that, come what might, he would play "The Bee" by request — his own. Presumably Fred Allen listened in that night, because the following Wednesday we find him firing the opening shot in the feud:
Fred: Ladies and gentlemen, Sunday last an itinerant vendor of desserts who has a sideline called by some, a radio program, announced to an apprehensive world that he would murder a Bee. This dire news has seeped into every nook and cranny of the country, and I understand citizens are fleeing these shores by the thousands rather than submit to such torture. The effect this solo will have on contemporary American life is reflected in these telegrams I have received. Fritz Kreisler wires: —
"I'll knock you flatter than your radio program!'
10
IF JACK BENNY PLAYS THE BEE NEXT SUNDAY IT WILL SET THE VIOLIN BACK \ TWO HUNDRED YEARS
'. Mr. Lemuel Randypone, southern planter, wires:
IF BENNY PLAYS VIOLIN NEXT SUNDAY • THE COTTON CROP IS SAVED STOP THE SOUTH WILL BE ALL EARS AND THE EARS WILL BE STUFFED WITH COTTON
These are but a few of the opinions voiced during the week. We look forward to next Sunday with apprehension. Tonight, in order to stunt Mr. Benny's growth, we have brought to the microphone Master Stewart Canin, violinist extraordinary. How old are you tonight, Stewart?
Stewart: Ten years old, Mr. Allen.
Fred: Do you know Jack Benny?
Stewart: No.
Fred: Did you ever hear him play the violin?
Stewart: Yes, sir.
Fred: How did his playing sound to you?