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Ain't, .^ren 'i or I sn t
by WILLIAM ORNSTEIN
And Pop came out of Columbia an Emeritus.
MY Pop, he's a smart guy. He went through Columbia like a hoimd after hare. And when he got out he was emritus something. I never knew what the something stood for, but Pop said as long as it had emeritus before it that was good enough for him.
I was going to call him Pop Emeritus, just like you say Pop Vox. You know. Pop Emeritus. Pop Vox. But Pop wouldn't go for that, so I had to go back to the simple name of Attleboro Fortduquesneonthehudson. Simple? Don't be silly!
So I goes to see my Pop — the only reason I'm using Pop is because it's the best abbreviation I know for Attleboro Fortduq uesneonthehudson — in his office.
'Top," I says with a diamond twinkling in my right eye. (What have I got in my left eye — cataracts? What's cataracts? Not diamonds, j that's all I know.) "Pop," I says, ' "you're a publisher. One of the great! est newspapermen ever to see the light of day and I want to ask your advice."
"Yes," Pop says with a diamond shining back at me out of his right eye, and who knows before long there may be a romance and then we'll have a third diamond. But that's all beside the point. Where was I? Oh, yes. I was where my Pop was saying "Yes."
And so my Pop says, "Yes, son," he says, "what's on your mind?"
Diamonds flash back and forth. I'm happy. Pop's happy. So then I know now's the time to spring the monumental question. Get that. I said monumental. Tall stuff, eh?
"Pop," I says, "ain't I got the makin's of a producer?"
The diamond in Pop's eye fades to black coal. The glitter is gone. Day has turned into night, suddenly.
"Don't say ain't!" Pop says. "There's no such word in my dictionary as 'ain't'," Pop says, "Moreover, you should say aren't or isn't. They're two good substitutes for 'ain't'."
I looks at Pop straight as a ruler and the sparkle quits squirting from my orb. I'm mad, I am. So I says.