Swing (Jan-Dec 1953)

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26 reading and began to pay attention to this phantasmagoric monster which began to obtrude itself upon me by constant day by-day pounding. It became impossible to concentrate. The effect was more hypnotic than pleasurable. "You know what they were looking at? Of course you do, but you don't look at these things every day. Grown men, training to fight for our country, watching 'Ding Dong School,' a program for kindergarten children. They let the lady who runs this program tell them to fold pieces of paper and cut out sections to paste on cardboard. It's loads of fun, the lady says. "They, so help me, listen to cooking recipes. The other morning the recipe was for spiced beets. Now who in this hospital or any other hospital is going to spice a beet? Then there's a program on which people get married and a serial in which a woman is paralyzed (her husband is mad), thus keeping her sister from marrying the man she loves. There's been a lot of hooting and hollering but the plot hasn't changed in three weeks. And the quiz programs — what's happened to them? They are just like soap operas except that all the people solve their terrible problems by striking it rich and breaking banks. And for a maraschino there is Howdy Doody, Wild Bill Hickok, Rama of the Jungle and a program in which girls dance with girls. "I ask you is it legal to subject our soldiers to this kind of punishment? Aren't there narcotics laws? It doesn't make much difference to me. I'll be home on convalescent leave to enjoy a new kind of freedom— freedom to shut off the Thing. "Sincerely, "Private (Name withheld) "P.S. Reading this over, I find it has no point. For all the effect it'll have, it's like sending an eviction notice to the inhabitants of Canada. The only purpose an investigation of televised wards would have would be to give the investigator some insight into the world of the near future when the ubiquity of the television set will make it impossible for Man to escape." Well, I dunno. Private X. Last time I was in the Army hospital there was only radio to contend with. That was bad enough. Each bed had a headset. At night, after the lights were out, the stay-awakes would listen to Bob Hope while the rest of us were trying to get a little sleep. Suddenly the darkness would be shattered by maniacal laughter at jokes we couldn't hear. Reason tottered. And for the next war, progress will have taken another stride. They'll have the feelies by that time. Dagmar will kiss each and every one of us good night, whisper' ing into each of our ears the reminder that Clorets leave the breath kissing-sweet. ▲ THESE commercial announcers are beginning to wear me down. I mean the men who look right at you, holding the bottle of Pepto-Bismo, and grinning away as if they'd never had an upset stomach in their lives. The girls are much better at it. They look as if they had not only heard of the soap powder but had actually used the stuff. But these stainless steel, relentlessly grinning announcers can't convince me they ever suffered from throat scratch or headaches or any of the other ailments they keep warning us about. I don't know what can be done about this exactly but I've brooded about it quite a lot. My only suggestion is that they muss 'em up a little. Disarrange those faultless neckties. Muss up their hair a little bit. They don't look quite human. Dangerous Comer PERHAPS the most alarming single thing about television at the moment is the almost fatal conservatism that has enveloped it. Television is in grave danger of succumbing to hardening of the arteries at the tender age of five years. Very little is being done to develop either new ideas or new personalities. Instead the old ideas and the old personalities are being exploited for all they are worth and perhaps a little more. George Burns and Grade Allen — to take only one example — who were on every other week last year are on every week this year. Burns will tell you that the impact of the show and the audience it attracts are so very much less on an alternate week basis that a weekly show is imperative. People