Variety (Jan 1949)

W^edneBiIay, January 5, 1949 Farty.third f^fHEiTY Anmperaary ncrruKEs 4S Journalistic Vagaries Some Yankee and John Bulls Joe E. Lewisims Boll Considine By BOB CONSIDINE (Intermti&ml News Service Staff Correspondent) presumably because of my eloseup of the'Olympics this summet, it was suggested that I do a piece affixing a gim- let eye QB British journalism. No. No, that is, except for a brief com- ment on how head-writers on the regular London dailieis treated thei appalling defeats of British athletes in the late lamented Olympics. The British, as you'll remember, were un- able to win a single event in track and field, though tintil J. Arthur Rank's films of the 400-nieter relay . event were developed they tiasked in what they thought Hvas: a^;'^v^^^ through the disqusilification of the American team. However, the boys wh<j bad the job of putting heads on the dolorous stories the British sportswritcrs filed each day from Wem- bley Stadium did wliat they: could- to soften, the blow ■ of successive disasters. When a kid of thelr's named McCorquod^le -fiiiished third to our colored speedsters, Harrison Dillard and Bar- ■ v ney Ewelli in the finals of the 100-meter sprint, one of ilie London papers proclaimed: IWcCORQUODALE FASTEST WHITE MAN British readers also must have had their hopes lifted by this head: MANLEY BiREAKS WORLD RECORD! That one-had.to do with a British girl whoi Indeed, did ' break a world record, for women. .But what the headline failed to note was that she,had been beaten-soundly by; the Dutch girl, Fanny Blankers-^Koen, : who knocked the did record to pieces. And so on: It wasn't good journalism by a long shot, but it gave the visiting U. S. newspaper people a good yak " each day, and it reminded a press-box grpybeard of what he called the one British, headline which: expressed more .. keenly than anytiiing else the essense of the British tem- ■perament. Seems that the English Channel was blanketed, with an especially, heavy fog some years ago . .. . a veil go thick that it brought ships to a standstill. A story duly appeared in the good gray London Times, and its immortal head was: CONTINENT ISOLATED! . : Then, of course, there was that notable tongue-imcheek head in the Express during the Blitz. It read: NAZI BOMB INJURED FALLS INTO FLEET STREET Biit, as we were saying .some time back, we can't write. A« a piece about British journalism. Some journalistic an-^ guish of more recent vintage is too fre.sh in mind: the slightly calamatous (for the U. S. press) election of Harry S. Truman. Bertie McCormick Frixample The Chicago Tribune's 8-column streamer, announcing Dewey's victory over Truman, has long smce become a collector's item. When I last tried to buy one the price had. risen to $50, which is a little stiff for one copy , of "The World's Greatest Newspaper," even though the copy 'In question subtly reveals Col. McGormick with his striped pants well down around his ankles. No other leading U: S. newspaper believed what.it had been preaching as vividly ijs did the Trib, but there was hardly a paper in tiie country whieh did not come out on ■the morning after the election without a column or two, written in advance, hailing the election of Dewey. The Herald-Tribune arrived at Dewey's headquarters late on the night of Nov. 2-3, just as the Trumith landslide was roaring into high gear. -The Alsop boys, prominently dis- played on the first page of the second section, were won- dermg in print how much mi.schief Mr. Truman would effect before he was ridden out of office .Ian. 20. Editors made wholesale killings of columns, including one of mine which burbled on and on about: what a "new president" gets in the way of earthly goods when-he takes over the White House. The N. Y, Mirror, had to junk a Drew Pearson or two. The N. Y. Sun had a backlog of three or four -columns by George SolcoLsky, based on Dewey's victory. Bob Ruark, piling up a number of col-: urns in advance, so that he could .sleep during his boat- ride to Tangier, had to kill five of them. Time magazine's editors did a notable job of de-gutting its post^election issue and reached the stands 24 hours late, with an in- nocuous cover devoted to J, Robert Oppenheimer, the atomic physicist. Countless (and costly) plates of Dewey vere melted back into lead at equally countless newspaper and news-magazine shops. Suffice it to say that never in the history of U. S. journalism, including at such abrupt milestones as Pearl Harbor, have our newspapers been more abysmally unprepared. ,: It was my task on Election Night to cover the Dewey headquarters in New York's Hotel Roosevelt, and my duty, consequently, to put the rose-colored ultimatums of his cainpaign manager, Herbert Brownell, on the INS wire. Every, time Brownell. issued an optimistic, statement—in- cluding his assertion at 9:15 p.m. Election Night that Dewey had won—Truman's majority jumped another 100,000. The Dewey HQ took on the gloom of a wake ,(and not an Irish one) as the night wore on and on. The pall around Dewey's headquarters thicked up as the morning of Nov. 3 clopped along and it reached its tliickest point at 11:14 a.m. when the New York governor sent his wire of congratulations to the President. It was only then that the HQ was able to come up with a crack; One of the boys from B.B.D.&O., the advertising firm which had handled Dewey's publicity during the caift- - Paign, came over to me and whispered in my ear: "Well, we certainly scared the hell out of those Demo- crats this time!" -, Whether or not the Ui S. press will learn anything from the 1948 Election remains to be seen. One neWs-service cnief, at least, has given his bureau managers a stern "re- fresher-course" on impartiality: As for individual news- Papers they will continue to back whichever candidates the boss likes, as of old, but you can bet your treasured copy of the Chicago Tribune, of Nov. 3, 1948, that they'll fjeyer again so completely ignore the possibility of the American public's doing as it damned well pleases. Things 1 wish I said—and 1 probahly will if the situation comes up. Joe E. Lewis is our favorite ad-libber in a night club. His bon mots are classics. .Ife looked at a pest at ringside who was a mess and: r<?marked, "You leave a bad taste in my eyes." Talking about Jack Eigen he ribbed^ "They took a Hooper of the show and found that 859% of the people in the lounge were not listening." He.looked at a motley mob one night and said, 'Turn down the lights, I don't want to look at these kissers. With this mob I need glasses" (pointing to a scotch Sc soda nearby)—VJ mean these glasses." "I may not spe3k very well," says Joe, "but I do have bad diction..' , He introduced me as an author and added, "I didn't write a book but I helped support one for many years," — Joey Admits. Famous Curtain Lines Remembered By JOE LAUBIE, JR. Jitst think hack, my brother mtddlc-agers, to the time when you were a kid and hvMg your unshaven chin on the iron rail of the gallery of your local theatre. Your eyes were glued to the curtain while your hands were busy shelling peanuts as you counted the plafinum:ploted minutes when the lights were diT7i7Med and tiie cttrtoiji rose. Your heart beat faster as you. gazed down to the lighted stage at the bread and butter of sliow-businejjs, the Melo-drmnaJ Hoiu the hondsomc, braue leading tna7i oinidst curled his voice aroxind those lucious adjectives and terrific curtain .lines.' Lines that not onlj/ brought applause but cheers! And how the comedian helped you wink hack the tears. These last of the melo-dramatic Mohicans with their neat bits of tritery and beautiful : pieces of drool gave us show addicts many etJenings of rich memory. ; Let us stick our chins on the iron gallery rail againy open the bag of peanuts and listen through Time's hearing aid to the great curtain lines of the past: "As an American Soldier, I am bound to protect a woman's honor."' ' : , : "We uns wimmen up in the mountains works for we- uns livin':'we uns sells-herbs and sich like,. but we uns don't sell our wimmenhood!": : . "What can this man offer that I can not?'' "A true man's .•love!"... : "Drop that gun Allie, I have a cramp in my trigger- finger and thisgun o' mine is liable to go off!" "Thief!" "That's^ hard word, Lucy!" "Let this be a warning to every man, be he high oixlow, rich or poor, who dares insult defenseless, womanhoodt" "Careful stranger, flowers don't care who they lay on!" : "Come-on dear, let's leave them alone." • "Back to the mines;. There'll be no strike tonight!" "We uns o' the mountains don't know much about book larnin', but we knows a pure woman when we sees one!" "Another word to this little lady and I'll give you the damndest thrashing you ever had in your life!" "Thank God! It's the United States Marines!" "Bags are royal Raiment when worn- for virtue's sake!" ("The White Slave.") "Politeness is a cheap thing and the poor man is just as much entitled to it as the President!" ("St. Elmo.") "The letter is now. written. : Who will take it?'' "I will." "Who are you?" "Hawkshaw the Detective!" ("Ticket of Leave Man.") . - ■— - "You never gave -a-child a penny or patted a dog on-the. head!" ("A Noble Outcast.") "Frank Slade, you have killed YOUR OWN FATHER!" ("10 Nights In a Barroom.") "The child of the wife belongs to the husband, the ohild of the mistress is her own!" ("Harvest.") "Oh, God! Turn back the univer.se and give me yester- day!" ("The Silver King.") "Four yeai's ago you took away my name and gave me a number. Now I've given up that number and I've got your name!'^ ("Within the Law,") "A fortune in my grasp and the song of a bird made me a pauper!" ("Roanoke.") "If I can't have Law then let me have Justice, and if not Justice, then let me have Revenge!" ("The Celebrated ■ Case.") . ■ " - . ■ ':■, ■ ■ - "We shall have cause to bless it, for it ■will .bring long sought sunlight to our lives!" ("Under the Gaslight.") "Be aisy. Father. Sure he'd rather have the irons on his hands than the sin of a'lie upon your sowl!" ("The "Shaughraun.") "The sweat from off our brow is crystalized into dia- monds to hang around her throat!" ("The Lost Paradise.") "Nobody seems to want to give: a man food, though there's always somebody to give him whiskey!" ("Man's Enemy.") "Set but a foot within that Holy ground, and on thy head—yea, though it wore a crown—I launch the curse of Rome!'' ("Richelieu.") "Gentlemen, this lady is my wife. For her truth, her faith, her honor, I'd pledge my life. Again I say, that man lies. For that lie he shall be held accountable to me at the proper time and in the proper place.*' ("The Bank-; er's Daughter.") "SilenCe! It is to save her honor!" ("The Planter's Wife.") "I have paid that woman and I owe her nothing." "You lie, you owe me Revenge!" ("Camille.") "O Joyce! Leave me to me grief. See here—my child Is dead! And never knew I was his mother, i l.don't care what I've been, I am his mother still. Oh, ray child—my child—my heart will break. My heart will break." ("East Lynne.") "Cursed, thrice cursed may you be forevermore, and as my people on Mount Ebal spoke, so I speak thrice. Amen! Amen! Amen!" ("Leah, the Forsaken.") "Stand back. Don Andre, or with one pull of this lanyard I'll scatter death and destruction in your midst!" ("Under the Stars and Stripes.") . "You'll have to prove thati and, until you do the Law alone can take her from me!" ("The Noble Outcast.") Irishman—"Before you kin do that ye'll have to face Ireland!" Hebrew—"Yes, and Jerusalem!" ("Humanity.") "We weep for the death of little children, but to see them grow unto cynical men and wordly women is a far sadder sight to see, after all." ("Moths.") "Curse her, she has betrayed me!" ("The Lights o' London.") "'TIS true, nothing can save tis." "Yes it can." "What?" B'way Colnmnist Wonders How Readers Must React , By LOUIS SOBOL I've o/ten wondered about the lads and gals who liv* away from New York but Tceep hep-^oh, hoio they keep hepr^with all that's going on in the tumultuous metropolis by reading the columns. These must be the impressions of a country cousin who has never been on Broadway but reads all the Broadway columns —mine, included: Everyone goes around with a knife in his hand waiting for someone tO: turn a back . Orchestra leaders like Phil Spitalny, Tommy Dorsey, Benny Goodman, Duke Elling- ton and the like , are amazing ad lib wits—but topping them all is: a dance school proprietor named Arthur Mur^ ray.,. George Jean Nathan Is chronically bored except when he's watching pretty girls in tights—or' acrobats Movie marquees always blaze forth In double features; the titles of which, for some reason when placed together on the : canopy, are too, too hilarious. Broadway swarms with unhappy looking fellows carry- ing lighted torches . .Headwaiters are stern, aloof and ar- rogant. ...Columnists sit around in night clubs yawning while obsequious waiters shuffle over handing them slips of paper from eager admirers, all conveying startling in- timate information ..J.-Edgar Hoover, Walter Winchell. Morton Downey and Steve Hannagan dine nowhere elsA but the Stork . Toots Shor is going to be a Cabinet mem- ber. Toots Shor is.going to run the New York Yankees. Toots Shor banks Joe Di Maggie's weekly paycheck. Dance hall hostesses always marry heirs to millions .. Every chorus girl has a heart- of gold and supports :« mother, a father and an uncle who is blind: . The only way a little girl can become a great movie star is to be discovered by a Broadway columnist who must predict, "Here is a little girl who will go far" . All movie stars thus discovered tyhen they are obscure immediately bis- come high hat and snub the columnists who "discovered" them; ■ ■ Playboys toss $100 bills around left and right and usu- ally contribute heavily but anonymously to charities/;. Dorothy Parker and Milton Berle never play straight— every casual remark has a punch line.:. Jack Benny and ' Fred Allen usually come to blows anytime they meet either in New York or on the Coast . ; She'rman Billingsley walks ' around with a bottle of champagne in one hand and a- bottle, of perfume in the other, depositing them personally at every-table occupied by a pretty girl . Only famous ' people ever dine at 21 or the Colbny or El Morocco. It takes tivie for the country boy to find out—as he does find out after a few weeks around Broadway—that the Broadway columnist is only a , more haggard, paler, duller edition- of Tommy Tumtumii the bright boy of the ■ hometown Morning Gazette in that the average Broodwoy- ite repeats gogs the country boy heard years ago in the sessions behind the barn; and that the witty bandleader is the same dull Joe who used to liue in his home town and had to have the Sunday funnies explained to ht7n. 'The strong right arm of a backwoodsman!" ("Davy Crockett.") "I swear for this to make Rome howl!" ("The Gladi- ■■ator.") • "There's only one way to live; that's accordin' ter Scrip- ; tur." ("Way Down East.") : " to melt them like wax in the fire of my vengeance!" :; ("The Middelman.") ''Yeh. the mother, but I'm damned ef I'm agoin' teh let_ yeh murder the-child." ("Shore Acres.") ■ " " "Saved! Mine, the treasure of Monte Cristo! The world is mine!" ("Monte Cristo.") "Go home, stop drinking, be somebody!" ("The Old Homestead.") "Wherever I've pulled up you'll remark .I've always played square and stood by the cyards!" ("The Girl From the Golden West.") "My body belongs to you, Massa Legree, but my soul belongs to a Higher Power!" ('-Uncle Tom's Cabin.") "If dat horse wins play 'Dixie'; if she loses play 'Massa'a in the Cold, Cold Ground!'^ ("In Old Kentucky.") "Oh, Shaun-is the Irish for John/' "No! John is tht ENGLISH for Shaun!" ("Arrah Na Pogue.") ; - -"Kill me if you will for l am a spy: It's no disgrace, it'« : a glory and I'm proud of it!" ("Held by the Enemy.") "No, Father, Chinatown Charlie: has smoked his last ' pill!" ("Chinatown Charlie.") "Out of my memory, out of my sight, and may my eyes na more behold ye," ("Hazel Kirke.") "We aint got no manners but we can iight like hell!'^ ("The Ensign.") "You must not—you shall not—I'll defend your honor against yourself!" ("The Two Orphans.-') "Ah, if women had the vote there would be no liquor to destroy our children!" ("The Volunteer Organist.") "When I get to the White House the first hand I.will shake will be the hand of the workingnian!" ("From Rags ■ to Riches.") . "Damn the American Flag." "Take that back, you cur!" (WHAM. Sock on jaw); (''Heart of Maryland,'.') "He got my first kiss." "Adrain and I will leave this sad earth and pass hand: in hand to Heaven." ("Richelieu.") "Curses on you both! Fooled! Duped! And triumphed: over in a moment of mine own victory!" "She had sinned and came to me!" "Take that diamond necklace, off. Take 'em off, there's a curse in every stone!" ("Lights o' London.") "Go—cheat more men. Your avarice does not spoil your beauty!" ("Marble Heart.") ; "I'm going to Boston and when I come back I'm going to make it my business to see her. And if she qan't look up at me with those big brown eyes, I'm earning-for yau and I'm coming heeled!" ("Paid in Full.") Yes sir, each one is a bead on Memory's Rosary. In: this bubble-gum age we have great shows and great . octors, but name Tne one shorn or one actor that sent yoti ' yhome with yout heart beating faster, and kept you awake all night with dreams of killing villains and protecting womanhood? A show that made you rtiake a wooden sword and stand before the mirror for hours, fighting a duel with yourself? Name me orte show that would make you go to the cupboard and steal two-bits out of the old. coffee pot so you could go to see them there wonderful octorM in theirt there wonderful shows! If you sav you can, "So help me I will squeeze the lie before it could com& out of your dastardly throatt'. . ."