Variety (Jan 1949)

94 RADIO Porly'lhird f^fitETY Annivorgnry VgdncMlay, January 5, I949 The Diary of An Ulcer .By MILT JOSEFSBERG. Hollywood. I producer, RoUo Click, the come- (Aiiy rcsemblancp bctnwcn the: dian, the bandleader, the singer, ulcer in this story, avd avy other tall their agents, three of the ulcer; Uvinq or duodenal, is purely] stooges, and two men from the coincidental.) I advertising agency with crew hair- * * -I I cuts spent a lot of time patting AUTHOH'S NOTE: Definition of each other on the back and con an ulcer by Webster: A surface sore, attended by much irritation, pain and secretions. Definition ol gratulating each other. Then they all went to some place called "The Brown Derby" for a party. As an ulcer along Radio Row. An or- they left, the wife of one of the cupational disease P'-ev-lenl i^gen s ot one 61 the s^ among writers, producers, and it 1° werman ana yeiiea shouldn't happen to a sponsor. Sept. 2. (I am conceived.) Dear Diary: Human beings^ can't remember the day they were born. 1)ut we ulcers can remember You're wel- come if you-want to join .us, Her* man'" Herman declined and said he'd go home to get some rest. I'm glad he did, I was a little" tired too. y ■■■ Oct. 15. (I go to, a doctor.) KLZ Commercial Manager R. MAIN MORRIS A background ot 25 years in circles including some ot the larg- est radio accounts in the Rocky things that hannened bpfore we, Somebody called Mr. Hooper came ' Mountain region qualifies R.' Main w«e bora fmnembertht^dIy:out today. Nobody seemed very Morris for his top job as, KLZ's TwL conceivedTure c^earl^^''?t happy about Mr. Hooper. I've I commercial manager_ was yesterday. My master, ller-,never seen him, but he must be a I KLZ, DENVER. man Jones, was lying at ease in 1 midget—they all keep talking the patio of his Hollywood Hills about how low he ts. The adver cottage, enjoying- the California sunshine, and wondering where his tising agency had another meeting of minds about this Mi". Hooper. next Mixmaster was coming from. jSome of the crew haircuts thought The phone rang. It was his agent, .they could make Mr. Hooper grow Harold McFagin. Harold asked I »f the program had more jokes and Herman if he would like to write ', 'ess plot. Some wanted less jokes and irtqre plot; .RqUo Glick Said he; dldin't eate\ abput- ratings: as long as he was selling the product but Herman better do something about ■ the rating and fast. Her- man said he didn't care about big studio laughs, the programs Mtei'e good air listening/ After the meet' arcpntpd He's snoDosed to meet Herman took me to see a doc- acceptea. ^ ne s supposes w meet, ^ ^^^^ ^^.^ .^^ doctor's-office but he didn't mind. a radio series starring that new comedian, RoUo Click. Herman said if the terms were right, he'd lov€ to work for this new comedian. Silly boy. Sept. 10. (I am in the em- bryonic stage.) The terms Of the contract were okay and Herman ' with the heads of the advertising •agency tomorrow. Also at the i„„ „„i.i .»„.„■ , ,. > ^ j meeting will be Rollo Click who J^e met lots of old friends there v,„. ,.rZ.^ i^^^. h^'A liv^ i„ th,.'! that doctor would keep his liners to hirijself. : fNittv. 3. (I'm on a diet.) That Hooper went down again: Today they had a meeting to figure out why. it went down. I'm getting a little tired of those' eggs arid milk Radio Ams Riding for a lall? By LLOYD LEWIS The tipolf that ftome was riding for i* fall is now seen tp^^^h^ the day when the emperors began substituting ainateitr for Drofp? sional talent m the amusement arfeha. ^ - , « wes- Decadence set in the moment the imperial showiTien; in their Krep^^^^ I to fatten the gladiatorial gate, began hopping Bp their ling off trained, expert fighters and sending in chumps whp; tot prized l or for momentary notoriety; would jump doWh in tlie arena^ S I butcher each other. The exploitation of amateur uumtiskulls .worked foi: a while, sitiie crowds: did beUow . with delight ai^d: gWl^se to sgg boobs imnair themselves oh their-own swords and't^idefttis,'Jt was a big laiigh wh^ a bungling volunteer Stubbed his toe 'and fell right into the lion's mouth. But the: system collapsed when the pedple got tired pt' it-iand of the emperors.:5 ■ . ■ ■ :;'■,■■'-.',■■■■■■■■, And until; some modern Gibbon comes along to write the full historv of the rise and tall of the radio empire, this paraller will do, • • ■ As a matter of fact, the audienee^participation show had, come to full flower in radio long before any .televisior) Visigoths had begun battering at the, city agates: Well ahead 61 any;'externail tlireat to its fd I luture, radio was enticing fatuous wonii^ to liold theliv hands behl their backs: while they rooted their noses tlirougU piles Of ice cream and sliced tomatoes for pri7.es while sadistic .ainhpuncers; Stjuealed out descriptions of the porcine shambles for the :ediflcation 6t a houseful! of spectators—and a world of listeners; ' - •, The full decadence was apparent when i"adip dropped so talehteS:. a program as "Inlormation Please" and quadrupled those programs which presented the maudlin tumblings of the uninformedi unequipped' a meeting anyway. :Herman and unprepared. Instead of enjoying the sharp answers of our betters wanted to know why, and I think. we listeners were asked to enjoy the wild, ludicrous gropings of our they told him that they're holding j fellow-subliterates. this meeting to decide what the | The entertainment value of the highly professional "Infor(natioii" next meeting should be about. | Please" lay in information; the entertainment value of the amateur Herman is drinking too much I quizzes lies in the. lack of it. lately-^but he's lucky he gets 1 And those telephonic qui/, programs which suddenly summon unpre- pared burghers to display tlieir stupidities are radio's confession ot weakness. Every time the Ustener knows the answer tp some simple"' question that a moron at the mike has. mUflfedi. there epines a transient glow .of snobbish superiority^ but theh ^quiekly there fpllows a sense. _,_ ^ „ of shame—shame.for. the,human.race^-and a wonderment if the. Us-: that something called Herman's ! tener, himself, nervous', rattled", flustered, could have done any better Option has been lifted for another standing up there before a crowd; enduring its patronizing sympathy. : Every time I have heard radio ringing up some tired laborer and hanging him there on the phone, ridiculously uhable : to give Ruther- ford Hayes' middle initial, I hav* felt that the hell liad tolled for me, too. , .■„:■■■- - '^i':'-r. has some: ideas he'd like in the program. Click's agent will be there with some ideas too. The sponsor won't be there, but:,he's teletyping some ideas. Just watch my smoke, kids. .Sent 12 (I eain strenelh 1 "'•''"^ umu .ui iuuse esBS arm miiK Todaf HerLn welt to the ad^^^^^^ '^^^P^ himselt tising agency where they held their meeting of minds. They were very Scotch free. Dec. 21. (I am born.) Mr. McFagin, Herman's agent, came bouncing into the house bubbling over with good news. It seems explicit with Herman, They want him to write a show like Jack Benny's, with a few more laughs with. I miss those steaks and ketchup. Nov. 21. (I don't know ray- own strength.) That Hooper thing went up today. They immediately Or a program similar to Bob I called a meeting to figure out why Hope's, with a little more plot Rollo must be portrayed as a clean* cut American youth, but one of the : stooges can have a Norwegian ac- . : cent, and at the same time do the sort, of thing Red Skelton does. Sept. 19. (The world is ready for me.) Today Herman turned in his first script. It was a very fun- ny script, too. When Herman read _it aloud to himselt and his wife, I laughed almost as hard as they did. All the men at the advertis- ing agency liked it, too, except lor a few minor things. Herman was told he'd have to change the Nbr- wegian character to a Frenchman because, the sponsor's sister-in- law'in married to a :Swede: and she's sensitive about his aicoiit Ooh, what an easy setup this is gonna be for me, kids;. Sept. 23. (I'm ready for the i world.) Today Herman turned in his second draft ol his first sciipt Jlerman, his wife, and I all thought the second draft funnier than the first. The men at the advertising agcncj thoijglil the same They loved all (lie new things Herman added, but they weie afraid the rest ot the script wasn't up to par. This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel for me, ■ Sept. 23. (1 make myself known), Herman rewrote the script today. Late this allernoon he recei\ed a phone call from the advertising agency telling him to change the French chaiacler to a Geiman It seems the sponsor has lols of French customers lor his product up in Canada and down In Louisi- ana. When Herman hung up Ihe phone. I gave him a little twinge (oh, it was ever .so lin.'y) just to let him know I sympalhi/ed with him. He patted his tummv and I muttered, "gas " What a thing to ' call me, : Sept. 24. (I make headway). To-1 day Herman had to change the! iGerman to an Engli.shman, We! •re no longer at war with Germany, so the sponsor doesn't want us to j ridicule the Germans. No one i cares what you say about an Eng-, h.shman. That bicarbonate of: soda Herman's been drinking i tickles my nose. ; Sript. 26. (Our first broadcast.) 1 We went on the air today. It was very exciting. But my goodness, ■11 those weeks of fuss for just a half hour. After the show, the It went up. It was such a happy meeting, except for the fact that It had to be held in .Herman's bed- room. His doctor won't let us out of the house for a week. Dec. 14. (1 get drunk.) The Hooper didn't go.up today; It didn't go down either. It stayed exactly the same. So they called 13 weeks. ■ Herman seemed upset at this good news. He said some- thing about needing a rest, but McFagin laughed at him. Then Herman said something about quitting. McFagin seemed shocked at this and shouted that a contract was a contract and if it were broken, Herman would be black- balled all over town. Herman seemed sad, and said, "Okay," then he went to bed. I bled a little to- night, and I felt a little pain. It's got me worried. Can an ulcer get an ulcer? Dec. 22. (Hello.) I bled all through the night. They took Herman to the hospital %his morn- ing. Today 1 am an ulcer! McCracken Upped . Chester McCacken; radio and television director of Doherty, Clifford % Shenfield since the agency's formation in 1944, has been named a veepee of the or- a special meeting today to figure ganization by the board of dirCc- out why it didn't go up Or down. tors. 'IT NEEDS PIENIY OF WORK' By LESTER GOTTLIEB All the super-salesmanship that | face the New Year with little hope goes into interesting a prospective i of'relief from fhe audition trials .sponsor and all' the subsequent I and tribulations. But there ate a Hooper ills that come once the opus i lew insensitive souls who havesuc- is launched, stack up as kid's stutl ■ cessfully immunized themselves by when compared to that one tUmac-1 following a secret set of rules, tic span ot 30 very odd minutes' guaranteed to protect the auditiqij Herman lost his temper at this meeting and afterwards took a few drinks. I wish he hadn't. It hurts me worse than it does him. ■ '. .Dec. 18. (I'm worried.) There was no Hooper today, but they heldexec Three other D-G-S staffers were also given v.p. titles.- They are James F. Egan, copy director; Ed- ward M. Raynolds, research direc- tor, and Aldis P. Butler, account known as the audition. The audition record, so shiney, so groovey, as it spins merrily arPund a radio executive's chrome turntable, belies all the frustrating experiences that made it possible. Yet without that waxed monster how could the veteran radio show buyer demonstrate his uncanny in- stincts about showmanship? How could he criticize that one sloppy musical bridge, that one blue" joke that sneaked into the record's fate. I recently uncovered these closely guarded audition- proof recipes in a pumpkin and Differ them to those less hardly radio producers who are looking lor an easier way. 1. When preparing an audition take elaborate precautions about the weather. Call Ben.)f)inm Parry or Dorothy and Dick and if they predict rairt, cancel the audition immediately. People in galoshes- carrying: umbrellas are poor apr pure white script, that unfortunate I plauders and are forever dropping fluff by the AFRA extra, that in-1 things when they should be up. and flpcuous line that was off-mike, or I about yokking. the quiz question that was too hard . . . or too easy ? The more - honest practitioners Beware of New Yorkers Ben Grauer expresses telegenic delight at what nice old Varietv* $md , ♦On television election night—"Grauer did va standout job." 2, Be careful about ticket dis- tribution. Bus terminals and hotels , that feature due-bills are ideal dis- I Iribution points. Be sure no tickets . get into the hands of New Yorkers. I They are completely unreliable, i They refuse to obey the applause [ cues and since thev all own tele- I vision sets, you can't trust them to ! laugh at jokes m the aiidilioirtliat I thoy, already hoard Bcrlo tell on the Texaco show. 3 If you are doing an audience participation audition, avoid the "pros," or Mrs. Sadie Hertz wilt turn up as your first contestants 4. Be sure your engineer is a master of juicing the controls. Tate the precaution of slufling his ears with cotton so he can't hear the jokes and react like the audience. 5, Hire a night club comic for the warmup and alleipiece. Give him all the blue ]okes the censor cut from the audition stiipl- Bagw pants, noses that light standard equipment but oooi overdo it. One zealous feiw traveler even installed a runway. He didn't sell the audition rccoj": but the candy butcher did a helluva business in roasted almonds w«" prizes in every box. If they don't like the comic, blame the materiaK If they the material, blame the star. It audience reaction is less tnai. enthusiastic, tell him business along Broadway is way oil, even "Edward, My Son" had na» a houses . , : If the radio exec starts to yawn half way through, beat lum to n own punch line and say tt Plenty of Work." ..„ And if by some mii acle, the « > actually likes the damned tli ns | be sure your fountain pen nas , ,i