Variety (January 1953)

16 PICTURES Forty-seventh Pj\RIETY Anniversary Wednesday, January 7, I953 How To Win Friends And Affluent People Or a Poor Fish Over His Head In a Hollywood Pool By LEO GUILD Hollywood. My wife said, “You’re always complaining about riot getting enough exercise. Why don’t you buy a house with a pool as long a$'it isn’t much more expensive?” That sounded as if it might be a good suggestion. So living in Hollywood’where the realtors have a device tHey call the multiple listing, I pored through listings of all the houses for sale in the area. The pictures were beau- tiful, especially those with pools. One sounded better than the others. It was a modest house, but with a beau- tiful, professional pool attached. This was because the owners had a three-year-old daughter, who could dive ex- pertly and swim with hands and feet tied. She was often seen in newsreels, so the proud father had bought the ' best pool he could for her. This was the property we bought, after the owner re- assured us that the pool was no trouble and inexpensive fb operate. The troubles started before we moved in. The moving men were dragging the furniture through the front yard when a bevy of kids, already in trunks and carrying tow- els on their arms, rang the bell. They asked if they could go swimming. It was a hot day—what would you have said? A dozen of them trooped noisily into the back yard. Alarmed, it occurred to me in the middle of the after- noon that if one of them slipped and broke an arm, I’d be paying off on the suit for years. The following day, we took out $125,000 worth of insurance on the. pool. Also, the pool man, who copies twice a week (for $25 a month, not, of course, counting extras) explained that if lots of people use the pool, the water soon loses its chlo- rine Content and it isn’t near as clean or healthy for you to swim. So my wife and I sat down, had a conference, and told the neighbors they were permitted to go swim- ming once a week. Their day was Monday. They were quite annoyed, but that was it. When I was planning the purchase, I asked the owner, “What do you have to do to operate the pool?” He merely shrugged his shoulders and said v “Oh, noth- ing, really—the pool man will tell you.” ^ The pool man spent two hours telling me. I realized it would take at least an engineering course to get it down pat. There is a heater attached to the pool and it’s quite complicated when the heat has to go on or off, since there are 12 valves that have to be turned one way or another. But the heating of the pool is the least. Every day, the filter has to go on for four hours. That means you lug a big, flat, heavy wood slab off the motor, press a button to" set the filter system going, and then turn one of the . wheels so that the dirt is scooped off the bottom of the pool. I found myself spending a lot of time reading up on pool management. « The pool man pointed out that the diving board needed recovering. I told him to go ahead. He said casually, “That’s $16 extra, of course.” Several days later, he led me mysteriously down to one end. o of .the pool and pointed. “See that,” he said. I 'didn’t see anything J Allergy Against Algae | “There are black spots,” he intoned, “on the bottom. That’s an algae. Now we .may have to empty the pool and wash it down with acid. It costs about a hundred bucks. But if we’re lucky, if you don’t put the heat on, the spots might disappear. We’re waiting now to sde what’s going to happen.” Then he took me around to one side of the pool where the steel ladder goes down into the middle of it. “You see this filter top,” he said. “Well^you' can’t leave it on when people are in the water. It slacks iii air.” Then he showed me how-you have to unscrew it and lay it by the side of the pool. Now I never was very mechanical. In fact, I look upon simple carpenters as geniuses, so you can see that all these instructions were pretty confusing. Then the pool man and I walked around the side of the house. “I’ll leave extra bottles, of chlorine here,” he point- ed. “If the water gets green or loses its blue color, you can add a gallon.” “When do I put it in?” I asked, remembering guests mention that chlorine hurts their eyes. “Oh, you can put it in at the end of the day,” he said, “but it won’t bother anybody so use your own judgment.” Next day my gardener came, and I asked if we couldn’t" do anything about the hedges around the pool, which ' were beginning to droop. The little Japanese, man sadly explained, “No do anything. Chlorine from water kill greens. Too bad, nothing can do.” I suggested we move the hedges back. . “No good,” he said. “Chlorine splash from pool, seep into ground.” I told him I’d tell people to be careful so that the water wouldn’t splash out. He shrugged his shoulders. “Very good,” he said. That night there was an earthquake—gallons of water splashed over the lawn from the pool. Try and stop that! My wife advised, “You ought to swim 20 or 30 times across the pool every morning before you work.” That sounded swell. Early in the morning, next day, I was out there swimming. It was freezing. I’m still coughing. (Medical and drug bills—$30.) A week later I went to a friend’s pool. I noticed that he had lots of floats, a rubber duck and rubber tires around the pool. I immediately went to a department store and bought the same. By golly, no one was going to have a better pool than I had! No one told me though that these rubber toys never last. Two days later there were little holes, emitting air, in all of them. The department store had kindly given me patch rubber, so I went to work on the patching. Other holes sprung out. Finally I gave up. The equipment was thrown on the side of the pool for decorative purposes. A few days later my pool man rang my bell, “You know,” he said, “your pool is full of leaves from the neighbor’s yard. You could make him take that tree down.” “I don’t want to get into any fights with the neighbors,” I said. “Well,” he said, “then during the blooming season, I’m going to have to charge a couple of dollars more because it takes me an hour extra, each time I come, to get the leaves out of the pool.” “Don’t charge me more,” I said, “just let the leaves stay. They countryfy the place.” He wasn’t convinced but walked out. Then the gardener came back and said, “You fix splash- ings?” I told him I had been warning everybody. “Come with me.” He took me to one comer of the grounds around the pool and showed me that the grass was dying and there were puddles. “I can’t understand it,” I said. “How could so much water be coming out of the pool?” He didn’t know. I asked the pool man. “Oh,” he explained, “when I clean the pool once a week, I set up a backwash so that we take out some of the dirt. The people who built the pool didn’t want to spend the money on a well to catch the backwash water, so that it’s just.going into the ground. You spend.a couple of hun- dred dollars and have 1 the well dug.” 1 I groaned. I told him I’d let him know. But the problems with the pool itself were nothing to the problems with the people. Starting early every Saturday morning, the phone would jangle with friends and friends of friends calling 1 to ask if they could go swimming. I’m the kind of a gUy, who if I were a girl, would be in jail for bigamy, many times . over—I can never say. no. So we’re liable to come. home any time to find innumerable strangers in and around the pool. With a brilliant flash, I passed the rule that we don’t serve hard drinks because of the expense, but now we’re running about 10 cases of Cokes and ginger ale a weiek. People have been-asked not to go into the house while wet and most of them are very nice about it—but what can you do when the kids have to go to the bathroom? We had to set up a stem rule about diving. There can be no diving on' weekends, because there’s too much of a chance of diving into some innocent body in the water. Also there had to be a rule that no one could run on the cement, which gets slick and slippery. And these rules made us sound pretty nasty and crotch- ety. But casualties so far have been few. One little boy stuck his finger into the surface filter pipe and it fright- ened him more than it hurt, though his finger was scraped. We took care of that with a piece of cake and a band-aid. A grownup tripped over a wire which holds the hedges near the pool. He skinned his knee. One strong gust of wind, toppled a beach umbrella and clunked the mothgr- ->< of one'of our friends pn the beah.* She had to lie in the shade for an hour. Apart from the physical there have been a couple of minor bits of mental anguish. Our neighbor, in a nice - way, accused us of permitting nude swimming at night with the light on in the pool. We had to think about that, then convinced the neighbor that one girl was wearing a white suit, which looked nude. Then another friend called us on a Monday to tell us her little boy had come down with chickenpox after swim- ming in the pool with everyone else for two days. We de- cided, rather than spread the word, to just sit tight and see what happened. Nothing did. We finally figured all our expenses. Pool service all year round—oh, yes, the pool will have to be filled in the winter, too, or the cement will crack—extra gardening service, insurance, soft drinks, sandwiches and other foods, towels, water damage in the house, niiich larger water bill- and higher taxes. Every swim I take costs about $8.13. You figure it out. IPEER-AND WHAT DO I HEAR? By ARTHUR KOBER Arthur Kober An Oscar for Santa By EDDIE CANTOR; Eddie Cantor A certain former star, now a character actor who shall remain nameless here, had rehearsed, opened and closed in three different plays from the early part of August until the first of December. He found himself without money with a narrowminded hotel proprietor who wanted his rent, and his best suit burned by a dreamy tailor. Where to get a job? A thought came to him which he followed up and visited the manager of a certain de- partment store. The manager recog- nized him. He had seen him many times playing this and that role in the theatre. “You really want a job? Are you serious?” The actor smiled sadly, “Not only serious, but hungry.” “But what can you do in a department store?” inquired the manager. The ex-star told him, “I want to play the role of Santa Claus in your toy department. It will give me a chance once again to be in a wig and a costume. I am sure I can make good.” Early the next morning, the actor, disguised as Santa Claus, was in the toy department promising little boys and girls their Christmas wishes would be fulfilled. One little boy asked for a cowboy suit, a radar gun and a set of trains. “You shall have them,” promised Santa. “I’d like to talk with your mommie or daddy.” The child pointed. “Here’s my mommie. Here’s my mommie over there looking at the other presents. Here she is coming now,” As a very pretty woman approached, the actor recog- nized his former leading lady and wife. She apparently did not penetrate his disguise. Santa told her of her child’s request. She winked at Santa. “You’ll see that he gets them, won’t you, Mr. Santa Claus?” “Yes indeed,” Santa told her, laughing jovially and patting the child’s head. The child spoke up. “But, Mommie, you’d better give Santa Claus our address or he’ll never know where to find me. Please, Mommie!” The mother sat down at a desk near by, wrote a card, placed it in an envelope and handed it to Santa Claus. When the boy and his mother had left Santa Claus tore open the envelope and read: “Merry Christmas to a great actor.” Enclosed in the envelope was a check of $1,000. Among the Christmas presents I received this year was a “French novelty” sent as a gag by a friend who thought I might be amused by holding the object to my eye and seeing, through the magnified lens, a portrait of a pinup What I saw, however, wasn’t just a straw-haired blonde perched on the edge of a chair, an exuding dental chair, as she self-consciously displayed her shelf of goodies. No, what 1 saw was another basket of goodies, sus- pended from the shoulders of a hard- bitten barker, who stood in the aisle of a burlesque theatre, and whose rasping voice caught the attention of the audience, gluing many of us 0 our seats during the intermission, to listen to his pitch. If an errant memory doesn’t betray me, it ran something like this: Ladeez and gennemun, I yam interdoocin’ to you here this evenin’ a genuwine latest French novelty importation; imported direck from, Paris, France, which I yam offerin’ to each and evvey patron of this here theaytre tonight free of charge jess- for the poi- pose of advettisin’ this here latest French importa• lion. Folks, we are givin* away here tonight this here liddle article for the poipose of gettin’ acrost this latest fad which is now sweepin’ all the pocple in Paris, France, and which is gonna sweep this here country in another week, namely, the United States, Yes, sir, folks, in another week you’ll have to pay for their here genuwine French novelty the sum a twennny-fi’ cents to get this article, this here very same article which we are gonna give away tonight without any charge whatsoever. This article should appeal to each and ewey lover of burlesque who are here in the audience tonight* on account a when you holt this little French novelty up to the light you will be able to see somethin’ that is guaranteed to hand you an A- 1 supprise together ‘With a terrific big laugh, all in the spirit of fun, folks. Now all I ast when you get this here little , souvenir • * is not to forget that it comes direck from Paris, France, so you know the .lcin$ 'of; importation it is, T ; . I dassent say any more ’cause 'd woid to the wise is — sufficient. Folly me? O.K. folk's, with each and ewey article which 1 yam gonna -give away absolutely free a charge, l yam also gortna give away a bag of deelicious chawklit- coated ammints, each and evvey ammint burnt by a special process which guarantees^ ladeez and genne- mun, that these ammints are fresh and deelicious and that they will simply melt in your mouth. We are advettisin’ these deelicious ammints for the small sum of 10 cents a packitch and because we want you should know how good these dainty little chawk- lits taste, we are givin’ away, this here little French novelty. Now who will be the foist to buy a bag, of these here simply deelicious, tasty chawklits? They’s a genne- man.here takes a bag. Who else will have one? Re- member, ladeez and gennemun, you holt this here little article up to the light and then you’ll be sup- prised what you see. All in the spirit of fun, folks. Don’t holt it up to this here light, brother; it ain't strong enough. Take it home and try it.. Who else will have one? Folks, you can’t go wrong with these here deelicious burnt ammints, and besides you get this little novelty thrown in, absolutely free a charge. Now, my frients, just one more thing. 1 have here a beaudyful comb set, guaranteed to be genuwine stoil- ing silver. We are givin’ away tonight these beaudy- ful military brushes and a comb to match, absolutely - free, gratis and for nuthin’, just to advettise the .. comb set. ’ * ' Ladeez and gennemun, I want you should look at the comb I have in my hand and you’ll see that this here top is made outta solid stoiling silver. If, when you have this here set examined, and you don’t find that it is solid stoiling silver, then we will be pleased to pay you the equivalent of a stoiling silver set. O.K., now we are gonna give it away tonight to the pardy who’s got the lucky number. With each, and evvey packitch a popeorn, you will find a little novelty in the box. In one a the packitches they’s a lucky number. Whoever gets this here number will get the guaranteed stoiling silver comb set. No matter if you are bald like a billiart ball, we still will give you the military brushes, provided you got holt a the lucky number. ^ Remember, folks, you simply can’t go wrong because they is a novelty guaranteed with each box of popcorn. Remember, my frients, that these here deelicious boxes a popcorn is perfeckly fresh and butter-coated and made from the finest eatin’ materials. We are sellin’ them tonight for the advettisin’ price of , ten cents, and with each one goes a little novelty inside the box. You positively can’t go wrong, folks. O.K., who will have a box a these here svmply dee- licious popcorn, plus the novelty? Come on, folks , don’t be bashful—speak right up. And remember, I still got a few of these French novelties which I yam givin’ away and which shows you a little bit of Paris, France, providin’ if you holt it up to a strong light. Who’ll have some deelicious popcorn and a chance , for the military set? They’s a genneman buys a box. Thank you, sir. They’s another gennemun buys a box. Speak up, folks, they’s oney a few more—I thank yon, sir—few more left with a novelty guaranteed with each and evvey packitch. O.K. No, brother, you gotta holt it up to a strong light. Yes, sir, here’s another genneman buys a box. Who can use a stoiling silver comb set? Ah, here’s a genne- man says he can use one. He buys a deelicious box a popcorn. O.K., folks, your last chance before the show starts up again. Anybody else? Speak up now, folks? Anybody else? I’m gonna go down the aisles now, and if you wish or desire any of these here articles—the deelicious chawklit-coated ammints or else the deelicious packitch a popcorn, just speak right up, folks. I thank you. Strange, isn’t it, the things I hear when peering througn the lens of a “genuwine French novelty”!