Variety (January 1953)

Wednesday, January 7, 1953 46 ? PICTURES . Forty-seventh t'j&RIE'f'Y . Anniversary The President Was Stage Struck ; By CHARLES WILLIAMS; Warren Morton was one of the most popular Chief Executives in the country’s history. He liked music, played the bull fiddle like a pro, and loved the theatre. He was an inveterate first nighter,* and always flew to New York for the more important openings. Handsome in a Mark Twainish sort of way, he had charmed the Senate, Congress, and the People for years. Admiral Gaines, personal physician to the President of the United States, invariably spent Sundays at the White House. Cocktails, dinner, and a long poker ses- sion with the Chief, in which Gaines won consistently, made it a perfect day for the good doctor, who had been nursing presidents for over 30 years. One Sunday afternoon Dr. Gaines received a series of shocks from which he never fully recovered. First, he was losing steadily at the poker session. The Chief was drinking straight shots of bourbon . . . but had always been a teetotaler. Then, Paddy, the President’s pet Doberman, leaped into the room, growled ominously, and suddenly bit the Chief in the thigh. Dr. Gaines dashed to the bathroom, procured a hypo, ordered the President to disrobe, and then received the shock of his life. Countless afternoons spent in the gym steamroom with the Chief, had left no anatomical secrets between them. Dr. Gaines gasped as he found himself gazing upon a stranger. “You are not the President. Who in God’s name are you?” “Louis Irving. I’m an actor in the ‘Pentagon Follies’ at the Winter Garden in New York. We opened last night.” “How long have you been in. the White House?” shouted Dr. Gaines, as he roughly jabbed the hypo home. “Ouch, take it easy, Doc. I flew over here last night after the show. The S.S. men never caught on.” “Talk fast or you’re going to jail!” “All right, Doc . . . last night President Morton and his staff saw the opening. It was a smash. He had a won- derful time. The curtain wasn’t down five minutes when I heard a knock on my dressing room door. I yelled ‘come in,’'thinking it was one of the showgirls I had been feeding. Who stepped in, dressed to the ‘nines’ in a Ben- ham cutaway, none other than T^arj^n Morton, the Peo- ple’s choice. He shook my band, dnd started laughing, and in a minute I was in hysterics'. He killed me when he said we were the nearest^ pair of unrelated twins biologi- cally possible. We talked about the different shows I had played him in, and when I tolpl about the time I was nearly assassinated while playing in ‘Convention City’ by a rabid Republican, he roared. Suddenly he asked me a question that stopped me cold. “ ‘How would you like to change places with me for a day, Irving? All you have to do is go back to the White House with my staff. Let me play your “part” in the show Sunday night; It’s something I’ve wanted to do all my life. My wife and daughter ai/e out of town, and my doctor is so nearsighted he”ll never recognize you. I’ll arrange to have you flown back. We’ll meet here in this room and change places after the Sunday night show’.” “Incredible,” whispered Dr. Gaines. “Naturally I agreed. It was a Command Performance. I found my ‘part’ in the trunk and went over it with him.. Gave him every move and inflection. It’s only one short scene and I’m sure he can learn it'by tonight.” “Good God, old man, where is he going to sleep? If he’s ever found out, it will cause a national panic,” “I gave him the key to my room in the Jesters Club on 44th Street. He’ll be perfectly safe, there.” “No, impossible. We’ve got to head him. off. I don’t dare risk a phone call or wire. Get dressed quickly, man. We’ll charter a plane,” As they were about to leave, the door was violently thrown open by a small middle-aged, bird-like woman.. She threw her arms around Irving, crying, “Oh, Warren! I couldn’t stop her. She slipped away from me in Hot Springs this morning and drove off with Senator Thomp- son’s son! He’s your mortal enemy, Warren. They are eloping. You’ve got to stop them.” Irving forcibly disengaged himself and announced in a stentorian tone, “Mrs. Warren, I’m working in a show at the Winter^parden. I can’t go.” Then he realized his faux pas and dashed out the door. Mrs. Warren’s mouth fell open. She slowly sank to the floor on a luxurious Oriental rug, which easily broke her fall, and Dr. Gaines made a lightning exit. Women, Bless ’Em, And Why Pix Should Woo ’Em' At B. O. By JERRY WALD (Exec Producer, Columbia Pictures) * Hollywood. You don’t take your girl, your wife, your mother or your mother-in-law to a- picture she doesn’t want to see. It’s she who determines whether you are going to see it. You may hate statistics, but they still show that the women of the U. S. control 70% of the nation’s personal wealth, and that working girls earn $30,000,000,000 per year. These same women rock the boxoffice, whether they rock* the cradle or not. The mere mention of that 30 billion bucks should convince anyone that, in the past, we haven’t paid enough attention to women in our making of motion pictures. We should woo them at the boxoffice just as assiduously as we woo them romantically. And probably with much more finesse. You don’t appeal to a woman’s emotions by bludgeoning her over the head. Not any more. Granted that not every producer is an Errol Flynn with the ladies, he can still take lessons, though. He can learn to appeal to the feminine filmgoer by titillat- ing her both physically and mentally, for emotions, after all, involve a physical reaction. The pleasure and pain, the fear and hope, the love and hatred which are ex- pressed through a fine screen performance evoke an answering response. Let’s play on it for all it’s worth. I don't mean that we should go to soap-opera extremes to lure the femme trade. Let’s be a little more subtle. Let’s remember that woman are more intelligent than they once were, that they’re better educated, more versed in what goes on in the world around them, and let’s not underestimate the flexibility of a woman, as well as the power of a woman, to paraphrase the ads. Jerry Wald The Crafty Copy And speaking of ads, watch how the skillful, crafty eupy writer goes after the woman today. He appeals to her love life, to her love of family, of clothes, of home, of social activities, of dreams of tomorrow. The expert scripter should do the same. It means the difference between a flop and a hit, a “break-even” job and a cleaner-upper, a turkey and a sockeroo. Don’t try to find out what milady is capriciously favor- ing this season, and try to build a hit around that. By the time you get it in release, she’s switched to some new fad. And stop trying to guess what she’ll like this time next year. You’re always going to be in competition with the weather, or the circus, or football, or baseball, or grand opera, or the sewing circle. So just get the best, most literate script you can, give it an adult treatment, with emotional uplift, excitement, and the sense of widen- ing horizons that every woman seeks, and you’ll be amazed at the response. You can't fool a woman with counterfeit entertainment. You seldom can lure her into the theatre with mere superlatives in the ads, but beauty, sensitivity and honesty will get her every time. Right now,, to get a. woman out of her home, you’ve got to give her what she can’t get on television. That’s why the run-of-the-mill pictures won’t make a nickel today. Assembly-line product is passe. The money-making films have got to be custom-made. The B’s and shaky A's are not for the theatres. Television is absorbing them as fast as it can, but before long, TViewers will demand better entertainment too; and motion pictures have got to stay ahead, by showing more vitality, more daring, more virility. That’s the way to make love to a woman. the internes, who had driven the ambulance, not to waste his y time on such art ancifent wheeze, but when they in- sisted on giving a lurid description of the episode at the Winter Garden, he decided to visit the patient. Warren Morton was nervously pacing his small heavily padded room as the door was unlocked and Dr. Mills, ac- companied by one of the internes, stepped in. “Well, Mr. President,” boomed Mills, “how is every- thing at the White House?” . Warren Morton turned on the charm that had swept him into office and suavely replied, “Very fine, thank you. Blair House was adequate, but there’s no place like home, you know. Ha, ha, ha.” , President Morton was highly elated with his histrionics, having fooled the doorman and waiters at the Jesters Club. Several actors spoke to him and were greeted by a cheery “H’ya, Pal,” which caused an occasional eyebrow to rise and fall. • Sunday evening he arrived at the Winter Garden early. Safe in Irving’s dressing room, he clumsily applied a sloppy makeup, and then slipped into Irving’s stage clothes. As curtain time approached, he was jolted to his feet by the assistant stage manager yelling “half hour.” He . quickly made his way down to the stage and was soon in everyone’s way. He tried to find a corner to hide in, but was confronted by a gorgeous showgirl;, wearing a Bikini, with not enough material in it to wad a shotgun. She angrily demanded why he stood her up the pre- • vious evening. All the Chief’s glibness left him, and he ; stuttered like a school boy. Ed McKay, the stage man- ager, broke it up, and snooed the President over to 'the first entrance. The curtain went up and suddenly the Chief heard his cue. Rooted in.his tracks, he was unable to move. McKay proceeded to catapult him onto the stage and that did it! Warren Morton forgot he was an actor, and in a flash as- sumed his original role-.as Chief Executive of the U.S.A. Striding over to the wings, he sternly told McKay he was under arrest, yelled for a telephone to call Washington, and ordered the ushers to dismiss the audience. The house went wild at this and the curtain was rung down. Two burly stagehands grabbed the President and strug- gled mightily to hold him. They tried to soothe him with, “Take it easy, Irving . . . Lou, old pal, you’re among friends. It’s only us chickens.” Finally an ambulance from Bellevue arrived and hauled the exhausted Chief away. * * * Dr. Jason Mills, superintendent of Bellevqe, wai in- formed as a matter of routine, that a new patient claimed to be the President of the United States. He gruffly told Dr. Mills doubled up and managed to splutter, “This is just a Whistle Stop, sir, but we’ll try to make you com- fortable.” The Chief, unable to control himself, ordered the in- terne out of the room, but the man didn’t move. Dr. Mills, still trying to huntor the patient, opened the door and pushed the attendant out into the corridor. Warren Morton inrunediately produced a huge wallet containing credentials that only the President could possi- bly possess. ‘ . Dr. Mills examined them closely, turned deathly pale; and sank into a chair. When he stopped trembling, he offered his abject apologies. + * i * Dr. Gaines, Irving, and the S. S. men arrived at the Winter Garden just as Pat Ryan, the doorman, was lock- ing up. He told them they could find their man at Belle- vue, adding, “I hope they keep him there.” The arrival, of Dr. Gaines and his formidable group deeply impressed the blase front clerk at Bellevue. Dr. Gaines identified himself and the clerk immediately took them to the patient's room. Irving, still in character, ordered the very puzzled S. S. men to wait in the corridor, while he and Dr. Gaines in- terviewed the patient. • Dr. Mills had passed out and the Chief was busily en- gaged in trying to revive him as the door opened and Gaines and Irving stepped in. Upon seeing Irving, the Chief shouted with relief. “Thank God you’re here.” “Calm down, Warren,” ordered Dr. Gaines, as he felt the President’s pulse. “Do you realize you’ve got td get back to Washington at once or you’ll be out of a job?” “Don’t worry, Chief,” quipped Irving, “if Sliuberts put out a road company of ‘Pentagon Follies,’ and you’re not doing anything after election, I think I can get you the part. But you’d, never do for Broadway ... You need more experience.” HUMOR HISTORY OF 1952 By HY GARDNER (A Reprise of Topical Comments) In January the standard joke was that if enough peo- ple had their way in November the mink jackets in Wash- ington would be replaced by Eisenhower jackets . The reason offered for the General’s early reluctance to throw his hat in the Presidential ring was that it’s against military etiquette to run bare-headed . . . Also that Ike was waiting to be invited—that in the Army you’re taught not to volunteer for anything. Within 30 hours after the freighter Enterprise sank, Astor Hotel bandleader Alan Holmes recorded a song’ titled “Hail to the Skipper of the Flying Enterprise.” With Commies being sentenced right and left the •U. S. Attorney’s office staff switched the corny old salutation, “Have you read any good books lately?” to “Have you booked any good Reds lately?” Some friends of ours bought a piano instead of a tele- vision set and their youngster inquired “What- do we put on the roof to show we have a piano?” George Shearing noted that the American dollar was at such an all-time low its current value is 54 dismal point 6 cents. Also on the inflation kick a 5-and-10c store put out a sign reading “Positively nothing over $10.” And when Mike DiSalle resigned as head of the OPS everybody decided it was because his salary couldn’t keep up with the rising cost of living. In addition to the old wheeze about the only thing bigger than taxes is Texas, Walter O’Keefe confided that Bing Crosby didn’t bother paying any taxes this year—that the Govern- ment hasn't succeeded in spending all the money he gave them last year. With the Korean peace talks obviously at an impasse Bob Christenberry thought the whole thing was begin-- ning to look like Russia’s newest Five Year Plan. The floods In California brought many complaints of excessive moisture to the U. S. Department of Agricul- ture . . . And at the height of the flood Red Skelton told us he got a traffic ticket for passing a red light. “The trouble was,” he added, “I happened to be in my house at the time!” Fred Allen explained the reason doughnuts were so popular. “It’s the only food you can eat and still look between the hole to see if somebody is stealing your coat!” When word leaked out to the Broadway betting boys that Harry Gross, King of the Bookies, was working in a prison laundry, one wag commented: “Still taking markers, huh?” Willie Sutton’s smile when he was led to jail for 139 years was explained when he said that between infla- tion and taxes it just ain’t profitable any more to rob a bank. A counterfeiter, likewise retired, said you couldn’t make any money counterfeiting anything less than $10 bills—that it cost on an average of $6 to pay for the original dies, paper, bleaching, distribution, etc. Herb Shriner offered a new idea in science-fiction comic books. After a ldd reads one he can dissolve the book in water and it makes a pint of poison. The flying saucers were identified as old Tommy Man- ville marriage licenses, and some new hats Mr* John was air-mailing to Hedda Hopper. When it was announced that General MacArthur was joining Remington-Rand the explanation offered was that he was jealous because they had more ribbons than he had. And the reason offered for Harry Truman not running again was that somebody told him that if he ran again Bess Truman would take singing lessons ... It was also said that Harry went off on those whistle-stop campaign talks to be out of the way when Bess was packing. J The Volga Manner A special event was suggested for the Olympic track meet, especially designed for the Russians, a doublecross- country run. Though parking meters were proved practical in New York City the idea was discarded because the trucks carry- ing the meters couldn’t find any place to park. When Yellow Kid Weil, .America’s most notorious con man, now reformed, wrote a book the literary set was certain it would be published as a pickpocket-sized edition. Most popular of the bebop jokes was the one about a real gone Joe who was amblin’ along Fifty-Toot. Street when he spied an organ grinder with a monkey. “Man,” the bopper said, “I don’t dig your music, but you sure got a crazy son!” Henny Youngman visited his psychiatrist and said h« was worried because he was always double-parking his car. “Why worry about that,” the doctor said, “everybody double-parks his car these days.” “Yeah,” Henny retorted, “but on top of other cars?” * . After listening to all the malarkey at both the Republi- can and the Democratic Conventions everybody knew why they called Chicago the Windy City. A notice in a San Diego Naval Base telephone booth read: “Please limit your calls to four girls!” Robert Q. Lewis notified the column that Lever Bros, had another ultra-modern edifice in mind. This one would eliminate elevators completely. You’d just stept into a tube and they’d squeeze you up! Jimmy Durante, asked if he was being paid to do a movie short plugging U.S. Defense Bonds answered: “Nope, I’ve got a piece of the company!” When a rumor started in Sweden that Narriman wanted to divorce’ Farouk this comment made the rounds: “The Ex-King thinks the greatest thing Narriman ever did was to bear him a son. Actually, the greatest thing the gal ever did was to bear Farouk!” At the end of the road a fur trade paper advertised “3,000 Kefauver coonskin caps for sale. No reasonable offer refused.” After Sen. Nixon broadcast his soap opera a Brooklyn apparel store hung out a sign reading: “Good Republican Cloth Coats—at the Democratic Price of $39.50.” Pi’ e d Sparks thought the United Nations was the only court in" the world where the people, when they enter, decide in advance that they won’t abide by any decision reached. A few hours before the Sinatras’ latest brawl they both had their tetanus, shots for Africa, leading to the conclu- sion that if they bite each other it’d be painful but not fatal. Georgie Jessel asked one of the French Casino, chorines if she’d seen the 'movie “Cinerama.? “No,” she admitted, “but I read the book!”