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How Lo Talk to the \lo\ie Stars By Russell Holman F L1MEKICK S ONE of my chief jobs upon this mundane sphere has been to say appropriate things to the stars of the silent drama when my business brings me face to face with them. Like hash, they vary. For instance: Bill Hart —When going to see Bill. carry two guns. Discharge these out- side the door of the star's room so he will know a friend is coming. Enter blowing your nose violently into a red bandana handkerchief. Drop all your final "jr's" into a corner. Have a small rock concealed in your right hand so Bill won't break any bones when he shakes and says, "Howdy." Roll a cigarette rapidly with one hand and ask Bill how he thinks the Disarmament Conference is going to affect him. Wally Reid —Drive to Wally's in your new Hellfire Six racing car with the exhausts all wide open and dis- tui'bing the peace as much as possible. Have some good saxophone music in a pocket of your sport clothes. Brush up on your hair and your golf patois. Enter smiling as humanly as possible and exclaiming with striking origi- nality, "Mr. Reid, 1 suppose you get a lot of letters from the lady fans!" End by selling him your car at a big profit. Gloria Swanson— Spend an hour gazing into the windows of Fifth Avenue modiste shops and another with Vogue so you'll be able to give your wife an accurate low-down on what Gloria was wearing. Or, safer still, say nothing to the missus about it. Buy a shine and a manicure and have a preliminary workout with two teacups, a brace of crackers, and a couple of sugar cubes. Practice say- ing, "Two lumps, please." Be calm as you knock on the door. When you discover that the room doesn't re- semble a DeMille set, that Gloria is as nice and as easy to talk to as the girl back home, don't get over-confident [ and imagine she's forgotten all about Tom Meighan and Wally Reid, now that she's seen you! Ask her, "Do stars ever really mean it when they kiss on the screen?" She won't think the conversation complete unless you do. If Alice would pose as poor Sadie, The daughter of Mrs. O'Grady, Would she, like some girls, Wear her dark hair in curls, Or just down her back a la Braid-y? -J/m. Hay tlt.ituh, 6o*J Dayyttt Ait., AfajMifOR, Ohio Posed by Thomas Mtijhau ant! Charlotte Jackson "Are you tin- piano tuner? "Tltat'x what I am." "I'll give ya' thirty-six cents ij you'll fix tin tturtidiJ thing so it won't work!" Page S