The Phonogram (1901-09)

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75 SEPTEMBER 1901 travel upstairs, clad in a fluttering night robe, to call the hired girl to get your breakfast so you can catch your early train to your place of business. A friend of mine, who shall be nameless, and who is a suburbanite, has lately adopted a novel method of awaken- ing his servant girl. He has had all kinds and conditions, from Chinese to the descendents of Ham, and found them all addicted to the pernicious habit of sleeping late. In- stead of growing better, each successive experiment with the servant question was productive of worse and worse results. Finally he grew desperate. The last girl decided the question that something must be done. Regularly, every morning, for four months, he toiled up the back stairs to arouse the sleeping goddess who ruled the house, and then made a masterly retreat under a terrific fire of old shoes and crockery—in feet everything handy and mov- able ; interlined with a choice collection of language which would make Noah Webster stare if he could hear them. Bridget was a bang up cook, so they overlooked her eccentricities on the getting up question. After four months of suffering, however he finally evolved the follow- ing happy plan. One evening he thought of his Edison Phonograph 5 and procuring a blank, proceeded to call the hired girl as fest and as loud as he could until the blank was full, and then on the end he sang, “ Bridget get up, or take your clothes and go.** He then put it in the attic next to Bridget** room, and attached a wire to the starting switch, leading it down to the floor below so that it hung by the side of the bed where he and the partner of his joys and sorrows (principally his sorrows) reposed. Then in the morning all he had to do was to grasp the wire, pull it, start the Phonograph and then calmly lie still and hear the