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EPTEMBER i 900 * 5 * unhappy marriage. Moreover, it seems necessary for the suitor to present his petition orally, in order that the lady may learn from the vibrations of his voice and the number of times he finds it necessary to clear his throat the depths of his love. Therefore we welcomed the Phonograph as an invention especially adapted to cases of this kind, achieving all the effect of a viva voce proposal with none of the painful con- comitants of a personal interview. Van Biene, the 'cello virtuoso and alleged actor, was the first gentleman of note to put the Phonograph to practical use as a means of reliev- ing a surcharged heart and making known his matrimonial inclinations. The object of his affections was his erstwhile leading lady, and to her he used to play his most languish- ing airs. But the 'cello is not a graceful instrument at best, and the pose of the performer while playing it pre- cludes embracing anything else at the same time. More- over, Van Biene had a habit of closing his eyes when he played, and was therefore unable to enforce the meaning of his music with languorous glances from his melting orbs. In this dilemma he bethought of his Phonograph into which he recited all the passionate outpourings of his heart and forthwith sent it to his inamorata. The lady listened enraptured to the musician's burning words of love as ground out by the Phonograph, and, im- agination being stimulated thereby, pictured him as a gallant of the days of chivalry instead of a lantern-jawed Dutch- man with hair like a Yorkshire terrier. The lady listened and was lost. She accepted the ingenious professor, and for a 4jme all went merry as a wedding bell. But somehow or other this Phonographic courtship never came to a