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* i THE PHONOGRA climax. Possibly Van Biene did not fill enough amatory cylinders or perhaps he failed in his personal love-making. At any rate, the lady repented and called the match off. Hence our hopes of a change of the present deplorable social conditions (through mechanical courtships and pro- posals by Phonographs) are dashed to the earth. There seems to be no hope for bashful bachelors unless some genius will invent a matrimonial nickel-in-the-slot machine. —From the Washington Post. ADVICE TO ENGAGED GIRLS. “ No, I never have a bit of trouble with my husband remarked the frail little woman with the intelligent face. “ In fact I have him right under my thumb.** “ You don’t look very strong,** doubtfully commented the engaged girl. “You mistake me, my dear, It*s a mental, not physical subjection. ** “ Would you mind telling me just how ? **— “ Not a bit! Always glad to help any one steer dear of the rocks. First of all you must know that a man in love is the biggest sort of fool, and says things that make him almost wild when he hears ’em in after life. I real- ized it, and from the very beginning of our courtship I kept a Phonograph in the room, and every speech he made was duly recorded. Now whenever my husband gets a little bit obstreperous I just turn out a record or so. Heavens, how he does rave, but he can’t deny it! They always will though if you don’t have proof positive.** “Thanks!” gratefully murmured the engaged girl. “I’ll get a Phonograph this very day.”—Fron the New York Journal. .