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i 7 » THE PHONOGRAM in this direction were but too soon verified by the succes- sion of terrific sounds which soon shook the room. She tried vainly, at first, to shake him into comparative quietude for a moment, hoping to get to sleep herself in the interval which would ensue while he was recovering his breath,- but the intervals were too short. Upon receiving a jolting sufficient to loosen the ribs of an ordinary man, an expres- sion of placid surprise would flit across Mr. Simpkins’ cherubic countenance, after which his lower jaw would slowly settle down to an angle of about forty-five degrees and Mrs. Simpkins* troubles would begin anew. She did not try to recite all she remembered of “Thana- topsis,’* say the multiplication table backwards, or any other such foolishness. Such mild remedies would have been of no avail in this case. Any one who could remember the multiplication table well enough to say it forwards, in the face of such a tempest of sound, would have been regarded by Mrs. Simpkins as a mental freak whose proper place was in a museum. After enduring her martyrdom with stoical fortitude for half an hour or so on this particular night, an unusually prolonged snore, sounding something like a cross between an Indian war-whoop and a buzz saw which needed greas- ing, literally lifted the suffering Mrs. Simpkins in a sitting posture, whence she sat and regarded her unconscious spouse with a glare which would have caused any one but that hardened sinner to have very bad dreams indeed. As she sat there and glared at the offender (as if that would do any good), there suddenly came into her mind an idea so fiendish, so malignant, so utterly atrocious, as would have done credit to the invention of the most savage red