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HARD-EARNED WAGES
An artist who was employed to renovate and retouch the great oil paintings in an old church in Belgium, rendered a bill of $67.30 for his services. The church warden, however, recjuired an itemized bill and the following was duly presented, audited and paid:
For correcting the Ten Commandments . $ 5.12
For renewing heaven and adjusting stars . 7.14
For touching up purgatory and restoring lost souls 3.06 For brightening up the flames of hell, putting new tail on the devil and doing odd jobs for the
damned . 7.17
For putting new stone in David’s sling, enlarging
head of Goliath . 6.13
For mending shirt of prodigal son and cleaning his
ears . 3.39
For embellishing Pontius Pilate and putting new
ribbon on his bonnet . 3.02
For putting new tail and comb on St. Peter’s rooster 2.20
For re-pluming and re-gilding left wing of the
Guardian Angel . 5.18
For washing the servant of high priest and putting
carmine on his cheek . 5.02
For taking the spots off the son of Tobias . 10.30
For putting earrings in Sarah’s ears . 5.26
For decorating Noah’s ark and new head on Shem 4.31
&
Total $67.30 (Anonymous)
YOU'RE OUT
They were seated in the parlor And the lights were turned down dim:
He was a Major Leaguer, she a fan quite fair and trim, He knew not as he opened up the game of love,
That father was the Umpire, on the stairway just above. “I like your form,” he led off first,
“With me you’ve made a hit,
Your curves are good, you have the speed And you are looking fit.
Now if with you, my turtle dove.
I’ve made a hit likewise,
Won’t you join in and play the game,
And make a sacrifice?”
“You must show me first,” she pitched at him,
“How high you stood last fall.
Show me your fielding average,
And how hard you hit the ball.”
He started warming up at once With victory in his eye,
He shoved a fast one ’round her neck,
The other was waist high,
Just then the Umpire butted in,
She cried, “Oh! Father, please,
There is nothing wrong for George is only Showing me the squeeze.”
The old man gave an irate snort,
And said: “I’ll help the fun By showing George another play That’s called the hit-and-run.”
He swung like Casey at his best,
A soul-inspiring clout.
The son of swat, slid down the steps,
The Umpire yelled, “You’re Out.”
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