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Elmer: Aaah! I’ll never forgit me foist proposal. It was to Moitle — a buxom babe of 50 summers and only her old lady knows how many winters. Da more I looked at her, da more I realized dat Darwin was right. Poisperation stood out on me forehead. Rut I must, I must go on. So raising me right arm, I cleared me troat — and fainted. Dey brought me to. So I fainted again. Dey brought me to. I fainted again. Den dey brought me two more. It was delicious!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR BOWLERS
1. After picking out the best ball, run and stand in front of your favorite alley, thus giving no one a chance to bowl there.
2. Before throwing the hall, have your captain call the attention of all the bowlers to your perfect stance.
3. If you make a strike, look around and smile.
4. If you make two strikes, calmly walk over and chalk it up, being very careful not to smile at this time.
5. If you make three strikes in a row, nonchalantly light a cigaret; even if you don’t smoke, light one anyhow.
6. If you throw the ball in the gutter, grab your leg quickly and limp to the bench, growling something about slippery shoes or bad breaks.
7. If you get a railroad, study the situation carefully, meanwhile thinking of the good time you had on your vacation. Then try and make it.
8. If you have a low score, tell the captain confidentially that you did it for the purpose of getting a bigger handicap. If you haven’t your bowling shoes or if you haven’t your own ball, remember these are also good excuses for low scores.
9. If a bowler on the opposing team makes a bum shot, laugh loudly and attract everybody’s attention.
10. If your opponent makes a strike, always sneer and talk about horseshoes and four-leaf clovers.
11. Never give the other team any credit, always talk about how funny they throw the ball.
12. When marking score, look around and if no one is looking, mark down a few more than you made.
13. If you miss an easy spare, laugh it off and say you tried something new.
14. If your team lost the last game, point to the fellow who made a couple of bum shots and yell: “You’re the fellow who lost the game.” This will restore his con¬ fidence and he will appreciate your calling his atten¬ tion to the matter.
15. If you lose a couple of games, complain to the secre¬ tary about the lousy bowlers on your team — the guy that makes the most complaints is automatically elect¬ ed secretary for the next year.
(Anonymous)
A favorite Breakfast Club gag concerns the embar¬ rassed and tongue-tied usher in church who said to a lady: Mardon me, padam, do you sish to be weeted? (Lady — Yes, I'll sit here.) But you are occupewing the wrong pie. (Lady — What?) I’ll mave to hoove you. (Lady — What?) Oh, just a Unit mady, I'll set gumbody else sew you to a sheet!
WE CAN GET ’EM CP— WE CAN GET ’EM UP— WE CAN — In private, the theme song of the Breakfast Club is, “Oh, how I hate to get up in the morning.” Even after ten years, it’s not one yawn easier, and the cast is as reluctant to get out of the hay as you are. Baker says the only completely successful method is, simply, to stay up all night.
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