Close-Up (Oct 1920 - Sep 1923)

6 With Comedians in Comedy Lane HOW IT FEELS TO BE A FATHER (By Buster Keaton) A man is never a man — until he is a father. Boy, I’m sure proud. Why. I even had to have a new set of buttons put on my vest for when that kid displayed his vocal phrotechnic for the first time, announcing to the world that he had arrived, my chest knew no bounds and zip went the buttons. I’m going to give the youngsterpardon me, Buster, Jr. — all the things I couldn’t get when I was a boy. I have decided that I will bring up the boy to be President. Of course, he’ll have something to say about it — and maybe he’ll want to be a fireman or a policeman. When Natalie and I talked over the kid’s future, we decided to try something new. We have decided to give him a dollar, an apple and a' Bible, and then let him determine his own future. F’ instance if he plays with the dollar— we’ll make him a banker. If he eats the apple — then he’ll be a farmer. And if he takes the Bible in hand — a minister he will be. And if we find him playing with the dollar, eating the apple and reading the Bible — well, we’ll know that he’s going to be a politician. I have determined that we will begin his education by teaching him the alphabet, instead of starting him on Shakespeare and Milton. We’ll send him through college and see that he graduates by the time he is ten, so that he’ll be away ahead of others who receive their sheepskins. I’m going to let the youngster determine just what he will do to earn a livelihood. However, if the boy wants to be & chauffeur, I’ll discourage him, as I want him to have some regard for humanity. If he desires to be a doctor, I’ll encourage him — so that he can write prescriptions. He’ll make more doing that than a banker earns. If he wants to go to college, I’ll send him — so that he can explain to his parents the fine points of football. If he wants to be a writer, I’ll encourage him — but not on my checkbook. If he wants to be a motion picture comedian, I’ll see that he is ambidexterous— so that he can throw custard pies with both hands, like his dad. Then if he fails on the screen, he’ll have good use of both hands and can be a director — of traffic. If he is anxious to be a banker, it will be all right, but I’ll teach him to count and will see that he doesn’t carry any of the samples away. If he wants to be a politician, 111 introduce him to William Jennings Bryan — then I know he’ll change his mind. If he is anxious to be a tinsmith. I’ll place him in Henry Ford’s factory. Then after such work, nothing will rattle him. He’s going to have every opportunity to make good, providing, of course, that he isn’t left-handed. If he is I’ll see that he’s a Democrat, which is enough punishment for anybody. And that’s that. EDWIN CLAPP OXFORDS They’re wearing Tweeds — and we’re outfitting many of the best-dressed men in the best-made Tweeds we can find. Sports styles, of course, patch pockets; belted backs; leather buttons and lots of them. Reasonably priced — Another short story by Lige Conley: The stenographer sat in the office smoking a cigarette, and as she crossed her legs, we knew she rolled her own. Marion Aye thinks Lige is awfully clever. Yeh, awful is right. * * * $35 $40 $45 437-443 Spring North of 5 Henry J. Hebert, in Goldwyn’s melodrama, “Yellow Men and Gold,” by Gouverneur Morris, was an actor on the speaking stage for twelve years before turning to the screen. In the film field he has supported many notable stars — Doris Kenyon, Sessue Hayakawa, Mary Pickford, William Farnum and others. WHITE T RO U S E RS — % 6.50 UP This week’s prize short story by Harry Carter: I know a girl named Dorothy. I call her Dot for short. But she is only a period in my life! Wig Rental Wigs to Order Toupees Hair Dressing Marcelling Shampooing NEW YORK Hepner Method Permanent Waving our Specialty Hepner Toilette Preparations Phone 52220 1001 West Seventh Street (Just west of Figueroa) No Parking Restrictions WASHINGTON, D. C. PLEASE PATRONIZ E— W HO ADVERTIS E— I N “CLOSE-UP