Close Up (Oct 1920 - Aug 1923)
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16
Bright Hints For Human Beings
By “US” or “WE”
Owing to the custom of late weeks to have the Moving Picture Industry denounced from various Ministerial Pulpits and scurrilous Yellow Journals, it seems appropriate at this time to present you with the following amusing Skit — artfully and humorously arranged by Captain Leslie T. Peacocke. I think he has successfully indicated those whom our virtuous Critics have designated for a Warm Reception after leaving our terrestial shores. Captain Peacocke is one of the Pioneers of the Industry, both as an Author and Director, and his very familiarity with things Cinema should at least warrant your attention. And please remember that there is no intentional slur offered anyone in the following Verses. It was written in good-humor, and is intended that you will accept it in the same vein. — (THE EDITOR.)
THE DEVIL’S STUDIO By Captain Leslie T. Peacocke
The Devil came up to the city last night,
To visit the Way that is gay and is light.
To steer from the path those inclined to do Right,
And to save a few souls for The Burning.
When his object was gained and his mission was o’er
He came to my house and he knocked at my door,
I, of course, let him in, as I’ve oft done before,
He drops in when he’s homewards returning.
I knew what he wanted, so mixed him a drink,
Which he gulped with a nod and a devilish wink;
I joined him, of course, which is right, don’t you think?
And we drank a deep toast to “The Ladies!”
“Now, down to my place,” said old Satan, “You know,
All the actors of worth will eventually go,
So, I’m outlining plans for a wonderful show;
And a big film plant down in Hades.
Charlie Chaplin will throw custard pies and contest
In some comedy stunts with his pal, Billy West,
And I’ll put it to vote to decide which is best,
For it’s time that we settled the question.
Mary Pickford will act with ex-spouse, Owen Moore,
In a conjugal sketch never done heretofore;
And I bet I will have all the fans in a roar,
With some gags of Doug Fairbanks’ suggestion !
I’ll have cute baby songs sung by sweet Fanny Ward,
And a protean playlet by Cunard and Ford,
And William S. Hart and his friend, Art Acord,
Will show us how bronchos are busted.
“Eddie Laemmle, the finest Director on earth;
Will be chief of my plant from the day of its birth.
With Von Stroheim to help him. to add to our mirth,
They’re both GOOD, and, I think, to be trusted.
Dave Griffith, Hen Lehrman and Cecil de Mille
Will act as assistants and well fill the bill,
And I’ll add to that bunch Doug Gerrard, if he will,
And Max Karger will keep them from fighting.
H. O. Davis will play his ‘Efficiency’ games,
For in Hades we’ll have to be saving of flames,
Which I need for some friends — I’m not mentioning names,
Who have made things look bad and exciting.
For Casting Director I’ll have Julius Stern,
For then I’ll be sure to have ‘chickens’ to bum,
And I think he can show me some things I should learn,
And Sid Grauman will ably assist him.
Pris. Dean, Ruth Roland, Dotty Dalton. Annette,
Will all dive in a tank, which I’ve built on the set,
And I’ll dig up friend Fatty, who’ll pay off his debt
By telling how Lasky has missed him.
Herb Rawlinson must do his acts all alone,
I must guard him well from the dangerous zone.
Because all the girls who are not fully grown
Lose their heads when they’re acting around him.
Rupert Hughes I will make my Scenario Chief,
For the stories he writes are beyond all belief.
And he’s got to work hard, which is quite a relief,
For with legal-proof contract I’ve bound him.
Carl Laemmle will work my finances all right,
Because he can get all the money in sight,
If Von Stroheim comes ’round he must hold to it tight.
For a ‘Count’ can part Carl from his money.
Mildred Harris and Charlie will show us how she
Played at honeymoon once, and between you and me.
This should make a big hit, for I know you’ll agree
That this comedy’s sure to be funny!
Jimmy Young will direct all his previous wives,
And explain us in detail the way he contrives
To win lovely maidens to trust him their lives.
And also the cause for divorces.
Bebe Daniels and Glaum and dear Theda Bara
I will feature as ‘vamps,’ and fair Gerry Farrar
Will do all the stunts of an opera star,
And these ‘Extras’ I’ll add to my forces.
Theodore Roberts, Lew Cody, Mulhall,
Eddie Lyons, Moran, lanky, funny and tall,
Charlie Ray and Frank Keenan, the pick of them all,
To support my big ‘stars’ in their features.
Mary Minter will show how a child of fourteen
Can look twenty, or more, when she’s thrown on the screen,
And I’ll have Kitty Gordon depicting a Queen,
For, I must make them happy, dear creatures!
Now, I’m off to my bed,” roared the Devil, “Good-night!”
And midst sulphurous haze quickly vanished from sight,
Whilst I drank on and dreamed till the broad of daylight,
Of what Satan will do to the “Pictures.”
He has plenty of room for a Studio below,
And with such able help he should sure make it go;
If the Censors and others don’t ruin the show
With their asinine bans and their strictures !
BARTINE BURKETT Ingenue in Comedies
PLEASE PATRONIZ E— W HO ADVERTIS E— I N
“CLOSE-UP