The Edison phonograph monthly (Jan-Dec 1916)

14 EDISON PHONOGRAPH MONTHLY, MARCH, 1916 Sometimes Called Humor A PIERCING RETORT "Isn't it funny," said Gladys curiously to her chum, Phyllis. "Father has promised to give me a pair of diamond earrings if I will stop having music lessons. I wonder why?" "That's strange!" agreed Phyllis. "But you've never worn earrings, have you?" "No. I shall have to get my ears pierced." "That explains it," said Phyllis, an innocent smile curving her ruby lips. "He wants to pay you back in your own coin." COULDN'T BE DONE He was a member of a regimental band and he did not forget to brag about it. "Why, man, we can play the most intricate airs at sight," he was saying. "Indeed," said the unbelieving listener, "I should like to hear you play the airs the drum-major puts on." ETERNITY Son — Paw, what's the longest period of time? Pa — From one pay-day to the next. LEAP YEAR? A woman who was entertaining a musically inclined man asked him to sing. He complied and, after singing several popular songs of the day, began on sacred music. Turning to her, he said: "Now I am going to sing something directly to you; guess what it is." She gayly replied: " 'I Need Thee Every Hour.' " "Oh, no," he returned: "'Abide With Me.'" Whereupon, she quickly retorted: "I thought possibly it might be, 'Lead Thou Me On.' " THE CULINARY NOCTURNE Wife — Waldo, I wish you would put that fifth nocturne on the pianola. Hubby — Eight in the morning is a trifle early for music, my dear. Wife — I know; but the length of time it takes to play is just right for boiling an egg. ON RECORD Sam — My wife made me recite my New Year's resolutions into the phonograph. Abe — What was the idea? Sam — She said she wanted to put them on record. NO JOKE "Just a word, young man," said the owner of the music store. "If a customer knows what he wants, sell it to him. I know that a star salesman can always sell him something else, but I have a theory that it will pay just as well to sell him what he wants." THE WILL AND THE WAY A story is told of a certain well-known theatrical manager, who has a habit of, by hook or crook, getting his own way. "That's too loud," he called out one day, as the orchestra started at a rehearsal. "I can't help it, sir," replied the conductor. "It's marked 'forte.' " "Well," went on the man of power imperturbably, "just make it thirty-five, please." PLAY TO SELL THEM, TOO Father — My son, the time has come for you to give up play and go to work. Son — You're wrong, father. I know of a way to combine work and play. I'll get a job demonstrating phonographs. And he did. NO USE TRYING Mother — If you can't keep the children quiet send them up to me for a while and I'll sing to them. Nurse — Oh, that won't do any good. I've threatened them with that already. A GOOD IDEA, NEVERTHELESS Man (in car, to man sitting in corner) — I firmly believe that it is a man's duty to share any good luck he may have with his wife. For instance, when he makes a little extra profit he ought to buy her a phonograph or a piano. Man in Corner — A good idea ! Er — are you a social philosopher, sir? The Other — No; I'm a retail dealer in talkingmachines and pianos. "IN THE SWEET BYE AND BYE" "I don't care much for that piece the orchestra is playing now." "Why, that's futurist music." "Oh, is that it? Why don't they play it some time in the future, then?"