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SUCKE-R-SNA*
Wanta make some money for a rainy day? Play the game of Slicker-snax! FILM FUN pays $3.00 for every oil-skin wise-crack published.
I Must Reach the Goal
T LONG to be perfect.
I crave to reach a state of im¬ maculately unblemished super-excel¬ lence, transcending in its superb matchlessness, the consummate im¬ peccability of the reformer.
With all my strength, I am bend¬ ing my efforts in that direction.
\t the cost of much mental an¬ guish, I have forsworn tobacco.
I have severed diplomatic relations with my knight of the bottle — a prince of bootleggers, if there ever was one.
A desire to be out with the boys is far apart from my mind, as is the thought of evading my income tax. Page 8
Violence of speech or gesture I have subdued by a rigorous repres¬ sion.
I am cultivating a kindness of manner, a gentleness of spirit, that is the wonder of my friends.
I have progressed so far in the subjugation of the baser man within me as to blush confusedly at the sight of a dimpled knee.
I seek this seraphic faultlessness of being for but one reason.
I am anxious to know, when I have become an undefiled paragon of vir¬ tue, just what in thunder my wife will find to razz me about.
— Marion E. Burns
A Gentlemen of the Old School
A school of courtesy will be opened for New York City prohibition agents. Those entrusted with the enforcement of the Volstead Law will be taught to be courteous and polite at all times to the public.
— News Item
GRADUATE of the courtesy x * school walks briskly to the front door of a home from which a heavy odor of sour-mash, home-brew and synthetic gin has been emanating for some months past, much to the an¬ noyance of the proprietor of a glue factory not far distant. The agent gives a genteel rap at the door, which, after a ten-minute interlude of heavy rumbling and creaking of machinery inside, is opened.
Agent: Good afternoon. It’s a lovely day, isn’t it?
Man: What do you want?
Agent: You will understand, of course, that this embarrasses me as much as it does you, but the truth of the matter is that there has been a variety of complaints comipg to headquarters about you for quite some time past. It has been bruited about — and, mind you, I know how often people are falsely accused — that you may, perhaps, have been manu¬ facturing some unlawful beverages on the premises. And so I thought, just to enable us to refute these in¬ sinuations, that perhaps it would not incur your disapproval if I were to suggest that it might be well if I were to take a little look through your home, so that I could ascertain for myself just what basis there is for this gossip.
Man: You can’t come in now. The baby’s asleep.
Agent: Oh, I’m sorry, but it’s nice the little kiddie is asleep. They do have a little trouble sometimes, don’t they? And when do you think he’ll be awake, so that I can come back?
Man: The doctor says its sleep¬ ing sickness. I guess you’d better come back about next December.
Agent: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, good day, then. It’s a lovely after¬ noon, isn’t it?
— Roy H. Fricken ooo
Most of the landed gentry in this country have been landed by movie actresses.