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Thoughts of a Man With a Hangover
“t OUGHTA get up and go to the A office. ‘Why doesn’t Smith get to the office on time?’ ‘He’s office nut.’ Naw, that’s terrible. I feel awful. Never again. It’s foolish to drink so much, unaccustomed as I am to pub¬ lic speakeasies. That’s pretty good: ‘unaccustomed as I am to public speakeasies.’ I gotta pull that some time. Gosh, I’ve gotta terrible head¬ ache; I’m going to sleep. Wonder if I’d feel better if I took a bromoseltzer. I couldn’t feel any worse. I couldn’t feel any worse. You mean you couldn’t feel any worse. I can’t feel at all. That’s foolish. I feel it’s foolish. There must have been whis¬ key in that fusel oil. I mean there must have been fusel oil in that whis¬ key. No, you were right the first time. I’d rather be right than be press agent. Pressagent. President. That might get by. That’s a good song: ‘I’ll get by as long as I have eustachian tubes.’ ‘I got eustachian tubes. You got eustachian tubes. All God’s chillun got eustachian tubes.’ You gotta be fast to sing that. Lying here and making up lousy jokes. They’re all lousy. It’s stupid to get boiled like that. Stupid. It’s dumb. It’s unnatural. I wonder how Joe feels. I wonder — zzzzzzzz.”
— Parke Cummings.
And So She Walked Home
“ AND after we had been riding about an hour, Gertie, and we was away out in the hills ...”
“Go on, Mamie I”
“Well, you know it was the first time I’d ever went out with him, an’ of course I didn’t know much about him . . .”
“Sure you didn’t, kid. But what happened?”
“Well, there we was away out away from anybody, and all of a sudden he says: ‘Girlie, I think there’s something wrong with the engine!’ ”
“He DID!”
“Yeah, that’s just what he says. And I says, ‘Listen,’ I says, ‘you got just about three seconds to get that engine fixed,’ I says.”
“You tell ’em, Gertie!”
“And he says, ‘Sister,’ he says, ‘don’t be afraid. I’ll just stop a min¬ ute or two and get the thing work¬ ing better.’ ”
“Migawd! And what did you do then, Mamie?”
“Well, kid, I knew if I stuck there until he stopped. . . . Gee, Gert, it was the wildest country you ever saw! ‘Mamie,’ I says to myself, ‘this boy may know his stuff, but you better play safe.’ ”
“Yeah, and then. . .
Just at the age where he picks things up l
“Well, kid, I just climbed over the side and jumped. And my parachute opened perfect and I landed without a scratch. But, kid, you should have seen that baby’s plane after it hit the rocks! Just what I thought was going to happen.”
— Chet Johnson.
Gene — You know, Ralph, long hair makes a man look intelligent.
Ralph — I don’t think so. My wife found a long hair on my coat and l looked foolish.
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