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Road hog — Blow your old horn, ding ye ! I ain't goin' to turn out for no automobile !
Distinction
/"VAJUS and Titius were possessed of an ^^ equal thirst for distinction.
"I," declared Caius, "will write the Declaration of Independence on the back of a postage stamp. ' '
"And I," declared Titius, determined not to be outdone, "will beat my wife's rugs without growling."
Now which, mes enfants, do you think achieved the really distinguished thing and which the merely outre?
Some Uprising
Tim — My wife and I have had a quarrel. You know she is getting frightfully stout, and last night I told her she looked like an inflated balloon.
Jim — Well, you can hardly blame her for going up in the air. Yesterday—
Complications
A porch swing in the lobby of a furniture store bore the sign, "Made in America."
Soon so many people gathered about the spot and began to laugh immoderately that one of the salesmen went out to investigate.
"What is the matter?" asked the store manager.
"A tramp is asleep in the swing, " said the salesman, "and the sign is in his lap."
— ^
SUNDAY MORNING
—To-day
A Sanitary Drink
DRINK to me only with thine eyes, And yet I feel constrained To add a prophylactic thought: Pray let thy glance be strained.
His Reason
"The reason I stick around the house, instead of going downtown, when my niece is entertaining the sewing circle," explained the old codger, "is — i not because I want to hear what the women say, but because I know they would say something I'd want to hear if I wasn't there."
Quality
Ancient maiden — Does this parrot swear much?
Bird dealer — No, ma'am; but what swear in' he does is very loud and clear.