Film Fun (Jan - Dec 1916)

Before Filmville's Policeman Goes On Duty, He Raises His Right Hand and Takes Oath to Uphold the Law of Averages. Then They Give Him a Badge and Send Him Out to Keep the Plot From Skidding Too Far in Either Direction r 7 Events are moving like the Sunny Slope of a Roller Coaster, the Policeman killjoys the situation by arresting a few Leading Citizens on Suspicion. But if the affair is developing into a Gloomfest, the Cop is assigned to the Sunshine Squad and collides with his Own Feet on the Station Steps, untangling himself from the Result, only to dive into the Cowcatcher of a Portly Pedestrian with an armful of Explosive Bundles. Filmville's Cop leads a Triple Life, thus getting a Fifty Per Cent. Edge on the Day Foreman of the Bank, who turns to Crime at Sunset. He defends the Majesty of the Law, goes Even Splits with the Villain, or qualifies as a Slapstick Expert with Equal Ease. At the first sign of Boredom, Filmville tells its Troubles to the Policeman, and unless he relieves the Monotony, they bring him up on Charges. Like all General Utility Men, the Cop suffers from Neglect in the Grand-stand. Filmville takes him for granted to such an extent that the Income Tax rarely drives him to Mental Arithmetic. Unlike other Filmvillers of Humble Origin, however, he is never asked to fill a Temporary Vacancy as Hero, so that his Minor Faults may be checked up to Anarchy and allied forms of Vexation. When engaged in Routine Duty, the Policeman is so serious that a Joke would make him Whistle for the Reserves. He is the only Resident of the town who draws Pay for Padlocking his Feelings, his Facial Expression being Twin to a Cemetery Wall. In this Mood he is called on to Arrest the Hero, which he does without waving an Eyelash till the Heroine objects. His Answer depends wholly on the Clock. Early in the Day's Work he is likely to regard her as a Petty Nuisance and leaves her to tag him to Headquarters to argue it out with the Man Higher Up. Later in the Reel, however, he often takes her Word for it that the Hero should be allowed to send Regrets. On these occasions he takes Chances on the Roundsman. But all Regulations are Officially Suspended when the Comedy Alarm sounds and the Policeman starts out to Quell the solemnity. Here his Uniform is his Best Friend. Without it, he would probably be a Flivver as a Comedian; but a Heavy Tap planted in the Digestion of a Large Blue Uniform is Filmville's idea of Regular Fun, especially when it knocks the Cop into a Barrel of Paint or the Rear Feelers of a six-cylinder Mule. When on this Detail the Policeman is invariably in pursuit of a Nimble Rascal, whose Batting Average depends on the number of Mishaps into which he can Lure the Bluecoat. The Cop is no Shrimp as a Speed Artist and could outleg the Criminal jy ' without a Wheeze, if he did not do his Run Bty//'\\ ning and his Thinking in Opposite Directions. But at each Calamity he loses a Lap. His disasters range all the way from plunging into a Clothes Line full of Family Washing, with a Ghost Dance before he can f~ unwind himself, to Double Quicking into an <-_>/. Extra Juicy Mudhole. Spectators along the Route contribute Banana Peels at Strategic Points and insert their Self Defense in Delicate Points of his Anatomy. Where Building Operations are in progress, he invariably pursues the Fugitive to the Third Floor and emerges in a Coating of Mortar which renders his Future Plans useless. Filmville does not need to provide a Gymnasium in which the Cop may keep his Girth wichin reaching distance of his Belt. It gives him a Comedy Assignment instead. The Policeman's Dream of Reward for Service in the Ranks is to become Lieutenant at Headquarters. This enables him to sit behind the Desk and summon a Platoon of Square Toes by pressing a Buzzer. Most of his Waking Moments are spent nodding into the Telephone as the Heroine gives notice that Father, alias the Leading Citizen, has been Time Locked in the Vault. The Lieutenant's Calmness at this Distressing News shows that Previous Experience has been Good for his Nerves, yt The Lieutenant has charge of the Prelim&liH A^ inary Hearing in all cases where Members of High Society require the Services of a Jury. H Most of the duties that are elsewhere lodged in the Coroner, Trial Justice, District Attorney and Grand Jury are concentrated in the Lieutenant. This makes his Job one of Peculiar Dignity. If the Heroine is accused of feeding Overdoses of Arsenic to her Guardian, but calls the Ceiling to Witness that he still had Two New Dance Steps to teach her, the Lieutenant orders her Instant Release. When the Hero is brought in on the charge of Dynamiting the Bank Examiner without a Hunter's License, he is lucky if he is merely Sentenced for Life by the Same Authority. Filmville's Supreme Court has Little to do but Review the Proceedings of the Lieutenant. These Duties, however, are performed only when the Plot has Escaped from the Residence District. Where Justice has to be delivered at the Customer's Home, the Lieutenant gives way to the Chief. If the Village Capitalist is Already in his Slippers for the Evening when he decides to enforce Family Discipline with the aid of the Statute Book, the Chief responds. When the Son has tampered with Next Month's Allowance in Advance, the Chief regretfully sends him up. If the Daughter is suspected of Conspiracy to elope with a Non-support Case, the Chief questions the Servants sharply, and then sneers at the Capitalist for letting Suspicion boob him. Filmville's Patrolman never aspires to this Dignity, because the Chief's Facility with his Features shows that he did not Rise from the Ranks. But the Cop lives in y^ the Hope that if he conducts himself solemnly enough wherever a Cross marks the Spot and is sufficiently lively when serving with the Knock-about Squad, he may become a Lieutenant before the Pension Fund clutches5 him —Walter S. Ball.