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Lifted From the Shops
Jones: "How do you spend your income?"
Smith: "About 30 per cent, for shelter, 30 per cent, for clothing, 40 per cent, for food and 20 per cent, for amusement."
Jones: "But that adds up to 120 per cent.
Smith: "That's right".
* * *
"How are you getting on at home since your wife went uway?"
"Fine. I have reached the highest point of efficiency. I can put my socks from either end."
* * *
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, my dear Watson, I see you have on your summer underwear.
Watson: Marvellous, Holmes, marvellous. How ever did you deduce that?
Holmes: You have forgotten to put on your trousers.
* * »
Lady Visitor: "And what brought you here, my good man?"
Convict 534: "Well madam, my father said when I was a boy that he hoped I would marry beauty and brains, and I wanted to please him."
Visitor: "Yes?"
Convict: "Bigamy".
* * *
"Do you worry about germs when your boy friend kisses you?"
"No, I just worry about myself and let the germs worry aoout themselves".
* ♦ »
"Why so sad?"
"Said something to my wile and she wouldn't speak to me for a week."
"That's too bad, old man. When did that happen?"
" 'Bout a month ago."
"Well, why so sad now?"
"Forgotten what I said." * * *
Life is a good show but some people don't like the rest of the cast.
A young man and a girl were in a tram by themselves.
Sitara in "Prithvi Putra" a Ranjit picture.
"Conductor," said the young man, "I want to get off".
"Well, now's your chance, lad", replied the conductor. "Make the best of it while the tram's empty."
* * *
Hotel Clerk: "Ten shillings first floor, seven-and-six second floor, five shillings, third floor."
Actor: "Good afternoon".
"What's the matter — aren't the fees low enough?"
Actor: "Yes, but the hotel isn't high enough."
* * *
"Do you know how to dance the rhumba?"
"Sure. I take five stiff whiskies and then try to waltz".
* * *
He had been bragging to a girl friend about his powers as a runner. Suddenly a gust of wind whisked off her hat and carried it down the street; yet he made no attempt to retrieve it.
"You are such a wonderful runner, yet you can't get my hat," said the girl, indignantly.
"Just a minute," was the reply. "I must give it a hundred yards start."
* * *
No matter how elaborately she's made up, the modern girl can blush when she wants to.
All that's required is to toy with a necklace, twisting it tight and then insert a finger between the beads and the carotid artery. This enables a woman to control the supply of blood to the head and blushing is easy.
But perhaps the real problem for Miss 1938 is to know when she ought to blush.
* * *
The wife wakened her husband.
"Can't you quiet down a bit?" she squawked. "You are snoring away at a mile-a-minute."
The husband pulled the blanket over his ears.
■
"Can't help it," he yawned. "I'm getting up very early in the morning and I've got to sleep fast!"
"Hello, Gray, you've shaved oft your moustache. I really wouldn't have recognized you i: it hadn't been for my umbrella.
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