Hollywood Filmograph (Jun-Aug 1929)

HOLLYWOOD FILMOGRAPH 11 OUR DAILY MAIL OPENED BY BERTILEVY MRS. McCOLLOCH, Kate Brew Vaughn, Grace Kinsley and Louella O. Parsons boast of their fan-mail, but, the correspondence addressed to the writer of this page far exceeds in volume, the mail received by any writer, or film star for that matter, in Hollywood. As evideence — In answer to a polite threat (accompanied by two boxes of cigars, one dozen choice neckties, two pairs of suspenders, half dozen silk handkerchiefs and other presents) the Hollywood postmaster obliged The Filmograph with the following testimonial affidavit: "The fan mail addressed to 'Uncle Bert,' care of The Filmograph and cleared through this station, exceeds by over fifty sacks weekly, the mail addressed to Clara Bow, Bebe Daniels, Billee Dove, George Bancroft, Louella O. Parsons and all others combined. I (Signed) IAM FULLER-BULL, Postmaster, Hollywood. From every part of the United States, as well as from San Francisco, Uncle Bert is bombarded daily by millions of letters from film fans . who crave his expert advice in matters of love, hate, jealousy, business, i varicose veins and other bodily ills. And, Uncle Bert, sympathetic soul that he is, gives (advice) unsparingly — give (advice) till it hurts. The following are but a few of the heartbreaking letters from unfor; tunates who are vainly knocking, ! knocking at the studio gates — knock, ing everybody and everything. Such is their burning desire to enter the sacred portals of our film paradise that they would willingly walk over the dead bodies of those already inside, whose jobs they lovingly long to occupy. "Dear Uncle Bert: "I am a constant reader of your page 'in The Filmograph and I dread to think what my life would be without it. What a powerful thing it must be for you to go about picking up news, and pearls of wit for your affectionate readers. Now, Uncle, I need your help and advice, for I am heartbroken over George Bancroft. I am madly in love with him but he will not give me a tumble. I have written him, but he will not answer. I hang on to the step of ■ his auto and make eyes at him through the windshield, but he takes no notice. How can I gain, and hold, his attention? — Mrs. B. V. D." Editor's Note: IVe understand, dear, just how you feel and we just ache to help you gain your desire. Quietly secrete a brick in your hand-bag and •wait in the shadow of the doorway outside The Broivn Derby. At twothirty A. M. when Mr. Bancroft comes out after his lunch soak him on the jaw with the brick. You will gain and hold his attention till a cop arrives. "Dear Uncle Bert: "I feel that I can confide in you tor your writing betrays your terrifically affectionate nature. This is my secret and I hope you will not tell a soul. My favorite film stars are Marian D. and Bebe D. also Adolph M. and Lon C. Will you please help me to attain a life-long ambition. I have tried, oh! so hard to get on the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lot, but up till now I have failed dismally. I feel that you are only living soul who can help me to accomplish my purpose. How can I crash the gate? — B. U. M." Editor's Note: Walk up boldly to the gate and if the officer in charge attempts to stop you, just act indignant and say, "Sir! I am Louis B. Mayer's stepmother." The officer will touch his cap and step politely aside and you may enter without molestation. If this should fail, but walk backwards towards the UNIMPORTANT INTERVIEWS (With Self-important People) By BERT LEVY Mrs. Eyle B. Herd, recording secretary of the "Society for the Prevention of Petting Parties in Darkened Auditoriums," returned from abroad yesterday and gave out the following message to delegation of newspapermen who went down the bay to meet her: "I have given many months to quiet meditation upon very personal problems and I have never been quite able to discover what becomes of my lap when I stand up." entrance and the officer will think you are coming out and will not interfere. * * * "Dear Uncle Bert: "I am just a simple co-ed and am enthusiastic about everything appertaining to film folk and their private lives. We girls at college are just crazy about your page for we learn so much from it that will be useful to us in our future lives. Tell me, is it a fact that Lewis Stone is divorced from Vera Gordon? and is it a fact that their son is working in the films under the name of George K. Arthur?— F. F." Editor's Note: You are greatly misinformed. Lewis Stone, who is the father of those clever boys Laurel and Hardy was never divorced from Vera Gordon. Your information became somewhat entangled owing to the fact that Mr. Stone's engagement to Miss Kate Price (the mother of Ben Turpin) is announced. * * * "Dear Uncle Bert: "I suppose everybody writes to you about your wonderfully entertaining news page so I will not waste your time adding to your embarrassment. Will you help me to solve a great problem in our household? My husband is very cold to me. How can I train him to kiss me, as John Gilbert kisses on the screen? — Mercia M." Editor's Note: Mix the following in equal parts: Absinthe, Bay Rum, Hennessy's Three-Star Brandy and Gordon Gin. Then add a squeeze of Cocaine and a slight touch of Novocaine. Shake well in cocktail shaker and hand to your husband to drink when he returns home from work — then just kid him you are Garbo. * * * "Dear Uncle Bert: "Will you please tell me something about my screen idol Ben Turpin? Where does he live? What does he eat? What is the color of his eyes and is there any truth in the rumor that one of his eyes is artificial? My mother and I feel that there is no one eise in the world, not even Grace Kingsley, can answer the above questions like you can. — O. O." Editor's Note: Answer to question number one — / don't know. Answer to question number two— I don't know. Answer to question number three — / don't know. Regarding question number four — there is no truth in the rumor that ONE of his eyes is artificial. The fact is, that BOTH of his eyes are artificial. He has three pairs of artificial eyes always in use. A pair for morning wear, a pair for afternoon wear and a special pair to go with Tuxedo. * * * "Dear Uncle Bert: "As a constant reader of your valuable page I have a slight claim upon your generosity. Please tell me what Pola Negri is doing abroad and (Continued on Page 21)