The international photographer (Jan-Dec 1932)

Twenty-eight The INTERNATIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER CHICAGO August, 193'1 I SUPPOSE you is gonna be very much baffled when you see who is writin to youse. You know I ain't been much of a hand ever at writin letters to friends of mine. I know we aint ever met, but you must be a friend of mine seein as how you is usin this tripe I sends you. Well now the first thing you is gonna axe is "Who is this, please?" Well, I aint gonna hedge around by kiddin you with the old chestnut, "Aw go and guess!" you know like some of these blonde dames do what is callin youse up hopin maybe they kin dunn you for a high class meal and a couple gin bucks. I'm gonna admit right quick to youse that I is your amateur humorist what has been sendin you that high class collum evry month from the boom-boomtown of Chi. which I so jokingly sign "by the Sassiety Reporter." Also that is the reason for why I am asittin here sweatin on composin what they calls a perfect business letter. I bought the book on how to write 'em, but somehow they ain't got a form letter listed on how a high class author like me should address his publisher, so I gotta be what they calls extemporaneous at these here political conventions — you know when a guy can't afford for somebody to write a speech for him why he jest hasta get up and make it up himself, and sometimes it's better than if you hired a guy to do it for you, you know, more sincere like, and that's what I'm tryin to be here sincere and honest. I could jest let it slip and not write you at all and then alibi later in less words, but I is sincere so I is writin right now to tell you facks. What's on my mind is, you know I ain't gonna be able to write you a collum this month on account I is in "confinement." You know everybody around Chicago is wonderin whatinell has happened to all of the 666 current event snipers. Nobody is seen them around the streets or hangouts for days. It's a mystery jest how them boys has completely gone out of circulation. Well I kin clean up that mystery for you right now. They is all in confinement, too, with me, right here in a new kind of bastile on the west side of our ole town. We're locked up in a joint they calls the Stadium, and we is bein held for ransom by a gang of tough fightin hombres, they got nicknamed Democrats. In Focus — In Spots! By Fred Felbinger as The Sassiety Reporter These Democrats is one gang of fightin Irishmen, too, but they got a real sense of humor because they dont jest sit here and hold us with a lot of hot air boloney like some Politicians do. They entertain us when we gits tired of bein locked up in this Stadium. They stages parades and fights for us to keep us from gettin weary. You know I wusn't interested in Politics at all when I wuz sent out here for my stretch, but I betcha when I leaves here I is gonna be one highclass Democrat, too. I got all my pals right here next to me, too, — Charlie Geis, Tony Caputo, Ralph Saunders, Charlie Ford, Sam Sabath, Jack Barnett, Martin Barnett, Charlie Beeland, Don Juan Lippert, Ira Koerenman, in fack all the 666 sharpshooters is foggin can after can right next to me. Up in the upper tiers I kin see the rest of my mob too — Buck Buckannan, Eddie Morrison, Emilio Montemuro. Even our worthy Prexy Charlie David is gotta permanent berth minus the daily shave here. Pretty smart of these Democrats, too, ain't it, to play everybody's national anthem. They play no favorites, but I guess you gotta be that way when you want votes next November. You know I is of German descent, and when I wus a little chaver my pa used to take me to German beer gardens of a Sunday in my home town of Milwaukee and they used to play a swell one called, "Oh Tannenbaum!" Well, I been hearin that one regularly here in the Stadium through the kind permission of the Democrats and I kinda thrilled to it, but someone jest tried to spoil that for me by sayin it wus the national hit of "Maryland." But I guess it dont make a nevermind anyway, as when I thought it wuz a German song it kinder brought me memories of the beer gardens and these Democrats is also tryin to dig up memories of beer gardens right now tonight by the drift of their gab up on the hot air stand. In fack, they is goin further than memories. They is tryin to help make it reality for me and my pa. Well, if its gotta come then maybe I kin change the tables and take my pa to a beer garden of a Sunday instead of he takin me like he used to years ago. Also maybe Ma kin bawl me out now for it jest like pa got it for draggin me to one years ago. These Democrats ain't like the Republicans. They is double winded and got more pep and they is got us film foggers worn down plenty. We is almost down to the bottom of our supply super-sensitive and no relief in sight yet. Maybe them Republicans wasnt such bad eggs, after all. At least, they could make up their minds. But no; These Democrats is better fighters and people always loves a fighter. Chairman Walsh jest tried to adjourn for the rest of the night, "for humanity sake," but he was booed down "No!" I guess they figures we 666'rs aint human. People is droppin off to sleep like flies around me. Even my 666 pals what has weathered many a storm is givin up the ghost. Stillmen is shootin shots of our poor victims. Sam Sabath jest became news as his head sunk agin his noise ketcher's amplifier. Bing! There goes a flashlight of poor Charlie Geis, propped agin Arthur De Tita, and they dont even feel the blast of the photog's flash gun. Aint it ever gonna end? . . . What's all the racket now? Holy smokes, another parade down there. Murray for President now. Well I gotta fog another can of celluloid on that, excuse me a minute please, Mr. Editor. Well, that's over, unnerstand it's the last parade of the evenin or dawnin. Things look quiet for a few minutes now. Wonder if I kin trust them Democrats a few couDla ten minutes to cop a coupla winks agin the tripod legs . . . Guess I'll take a chanct and finish this letter later. "They got me!" . . . Now I am news, too. one of them silly stillmen caught me nappin on a plate. Right away a holler from my buddies that they finally got sumpin on me . . . Well now, Mr. Editor, I always been sincere on tryin to see all news published, so if these guys thinks they kin blackmail me into surpressing the dope on them by holdin that pix of me nappin agin me why then I is jest gonna prove that I kin take it. I is gonna send you the picture so's "ou kin publish it with my kind permission and fool these here hombres here. They is laffin because I sleep with my mouth open. Honest, that ain't natural, but I been here in the Stadium so long listenin to guys