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156 IT TOOK NINE TAILORS
part that I wear outlandish clothes on the golf course stems from the day on which I appeared at the Bel-Air Country Club wearing an Alpine outfit and equipped for mountain climbing. That was merely in protest against the hazards of my home golf course, which seems to have been laid out as an obstacle course for mountain goats. But regardless of the crevices, cloud-covered crags, deep hidden gullies, and impenetrable thickets on the BelAir golf course— features that necessitate a 300-foot suspension bridge, five lengthy tunnels, an elevator, and a compass in order to negotiate the eighteen holes— it is one of the most beautiful golf courses in the world, and I love it.
As a golfer I am what is known as a "pigeon" or "soft touch." I always pay off in the elevator on the way from the eighteenth green to the locker room, a practice that makes me one of the most popular opponents in Hollywood golf circles.
I was introduced to golf in the early 1920's by the late Harry Leon Wilson, one of America's foremost humorists and author of Ruggles of Red Gap and many other popular books. We played at Griffith Park when that course still had skinned greens made of sand. They were as hard and as smooth as a pool table. If you sneezed in the presence of the ball, it would roll clear off the green. I must have had a score of 140 that first round, and although my game has improved since then, I am still a dub's dub. I have never broken 80 in all those years. I keep on hoping and praying, and once after prolonged invocation and several miracles I managed to score an 82. 1 have taken lessons from such notables as Bobby Jones, Horton Smith, Jimmy Thompson, and Byron Nelson, as well as a horde of lesser pros. All I asked of them was that they make me a consistent ten-handicap player and I would be happy. But they all gave up in despair.
The first club I ever joined was Lakeside Golf Club, but later I switched to Bel-Air Country Club. Between these two clubs you can get a quorum of the Screen Actor's Guild at any time by calling the roll in their respective cardrooms and bars.