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HOLLYWOOD GOLF 159
snake about to strike, will also confound you with the rule book if you don't watch out. One time, after hitting three balls out of bounds, he dropped his first ball in the fairway and said, "I elect to play my first ball for a one-stroke penalty, as provided in Section Four of the rule covering balls out of bounds/' It sounded as though he were quoting direct from the book and he almost got away with it.
Then there are those Hollywood golfers who turn out to be foot experts and pocket experts whenever their balls land in the rough grass. The pocket expert is one who has a hole in his pocket. When he loses his ball, he drops another through the hole in his pocket, and this second ball rolls down his trouser leg, whereupon he suddenly finds it, thereby saving himself a two-stroke penalty. The foot expert, upon finding his ball in a bad spot, stares fixedly off at the clouds— in the same way that a magician distracts the attention of his audience while palming a card— then manipulates the ball with his toe until he has teed it up on a tuft of grass.
Once William Wellman, the director, was playing golf with an agent whom he suspected of being a foot expert. When this fellow landed in the woods, Wellman sneaked up behind a tree and saw him giving his ball the toe and moving it out of an unplayable lie. Willie was so mad that he stepped out from behind the tree and kicked his opponent as hard as he could in the seat of the pants. "Let that be a lesson," he warned him. They finished the game without any further footwork.
There is also a special type of Hollywood golfer that I call the tantalizer or nervous-fidgets golfer. This fellow does not win by the direct method; he uses the negative system. When you are preparing to hit a very important shot to the green, the tantalizer will cough or sneeze on your backswing. Then, when you miss the ball, he will apologize.
"Hope I didn't bother you, old fellow, but I just couldn't hold back that sneeze."
On the green this golfer is likely to stand in his opponent's line as he putts and wiggle one toe just enough to distract his at