Loudspeaker (Jan-Aug 1931)

Anthony and Cleo A Modern Version By Frank W. Costello, A. P. S. “The life of a Roman general at times becomes irksome,” said Antony as he heaved his helmet at the cat which was stalking a mouse under the cupboard where Mark stored his limburger. How lonesome it must be for Cleopatra sitting alone at home with only the radio and her pet asp to amuse her! Forsooth, this very night I must call her after I reserve two seats at the ‘King Tut Cinema Theatre’ — and three hours later Antony and Cleopatra were snuggled comfortably in their loge seats enjoying the Egyptian News Weekly showing the out-board motor races on the River Nile, the parade of the beauty prize winners and the Children of Israel crossing the Red Sea, but, as Moses regained command of his scattered followers the punch marks started to appear in the celluloid, causing much uneasiness to Cleo. “Why,” said she, “is it necessary to spoil a perfectly good picture with all those perforations? Are they to let in ventilation, or, possibly they may be film trade marks.” “My dear Cleopatro,” said Antony, stroking her hand with a tenderness that only a great lover could manifest, “the holes in the picture are merely to notify us that it is about to terminate, thereby giving us ample time to adjust ourselves for the next episode.” During the following picture Antony was more engrossed in amorous attentions to his fair lady than he was to the substance of the play, and Cleopatra, although in a receptive mood, managed to glance at the screen occasionally to draw a comparison between John Gilbert and her Mark Antony, also to envy some of the modern accomplishments and sex animation of Greta Garbo. Then, to spoil this exhileration, a series of punch marks in various shapes and sizes appeared all over the screen just as the characters were demonstrating with realistic effectiveness one of their 90-foot embraces. “What was the meaning of those unsightly marks, Tony?” said Cleo as she began to twitch nervously in her seat. “Don’t tell me this time that the play is over,” for knowing something of the art of necking she could readily perceive that the lovers hadn’t reached second base, and there would be more preliminaries before the final clinch. Tony had to admit that there were a superabundance of perforations, but was at a loss to understand why any projectionist would have the audacity to mutilate film in such a reckless manner. Only three weeks previous at the “Roman Tribunal” he had meted out death sentences for lesser atrocities. Offering excuses to pacify Cleo, he suggested that one of the largest holes in the center of the picture which had a peculiar flourish at the bottom may have been a signal to the projectionist’s girl friend, warning her to “beat it” after the show as his wife was checking up on him. The miscellaneous assortment of punch marks, scratches and corn plasters which followed throughout the feature picture were more than their sensitive nerves could endure and before the finish Antony and Cleopatra arose and followed the other disrguntled customers out of the theatre. Being queen and so having a domineering influence over her subjects, Cleopatra decided to exercise her royal power in forcing a discontinuation of film mutilation which detracted the attention of the cinema patrons and would eventually ruin this thriving industry, but, first she must appeal to Tony for advice in selecting a substitute for making change-overs which could be used universally by Fourteen