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MRS. KIRK DOUGLAS REVEALS . . .
• In the July 1957 Modern Screen, my beloved husband Kirk told how I shook him up at our wedding ceremcny when I got the unfamiliar English words confused and repeated, "I, Anne Buydens, take thee, Kirk Douglas, as my awful wedded husband!"
Well, since then I've learned about a few of Kirk's goofs with the English language, so here's my revelation about him:
For instance, there was the afternoon, while he was a part-time waiter at a New York restaurant, when he called out this order to the bar: "A daiquiri, a Manhattan, and one bottle of Buppert's Rear!"
As a singing telegram boy in his first Broadway play, Spring Again, Kirk forgot his lyrics on opening night and 'la-dedahed a Happy-Birthday-to-You greeting!
After he made The Strange Love of Martha Ivers — his first picture in Hollywood, he nervously named it on a radio interview as The Strange Hives of Martha Lovers!"
These were all simple, little goofs, good merely for a laugh, but when Kirk was in the Navy in World War II. serving in the Galapagos Islands, he made a goof that cost him a couple of weeks in the hospital — and almost cost the Navy a good subchaser. Kirk was relaying the captain's orders by telephone to the fantail of the ship. On maneuvers, the captain calmly said, "Fire depth charge marker — seventyfive feet off starboard."
Just as calmly, Kirk repeated over the phone, "Fire depth charge, seventy-five feet off starboard."
"Douglas!" The skipper came alive. "I said depth charge marker!"
But it was too late for the correction. The big can of tnt circled out and landed just a little bit past pitcher's mound distance in baseball. The explosion almost turned the subchaser over. Luckily there were no real casualties — except every dish in the galley — but nevertheless the captain picked himself up off the deck, turned to my darling Kirk, and sarcastically promised, "Douglas, I'm recommending you for the medal of honor — from the Japanese Navy!"
No matter how he goofs with the King's English, though, here's one queen who's glad she got her awful wedded husband!