Modern Screen (Jan-Dec 1960)

;ust had two babies in a row. and I would ore quickly. Besides, I just couldn't keep up with this fast crowd. I would beg Jim :o take me home, but he didn't want to leave any of the parties. Once, I couldn't Take a certain party any longer. Everyone vas drinking, several women were hanging around Jim and I was left out and miserable. Finally, after asking Jim for the dozenth time to take me home, he turned to me, annoyance on his face, and said. Don't be a kill-joy. I'm having fun. If you want to go. youll have to go by yourself.' Z walked home from the party myself, crying all the way. It was our first big quarrel. "From that time on, I began to lose my husband. But at the time I was blind to it. Jim was set for Gunsmoke. and I had a feeling that this would make him a star. I was glad for him. and I think a little frightened, too. For the first time, when he'd come home he wouldn't want to discuss his work with me. We had shared everything before, so I couldn't understand this. Wives are not welcome "I began to know what it was like to be the wife of a star. To so many women outside of Hollywood who lead what they think are humdrum lives, it may come as a shock to learn that the 'Hollywood wife" is a very forlorn creature. In this industry, wives are not welcome. Usually, the wife of a star is an irritant to those surrounding her husband. She is often merely tolerated, pushed aside, openly informed by producers and press agents how much better it would have been for her husband's career if he had no wife in tow. "As I saw Jim drift from me, he seemed even more attractive than ever. I had fallen in love with him when he was shabby, penniless and hostile. Now, added to the natural magnetic personality which began to emerge, was a swagger and a self-confidence that made him more attractive than ever. I had a great yearning to be with him. A yearning that became frustrating because I couldn't have him. "I tried to win my husband all over again. At night I would dress up for him. look my best as though waiting for a lover. But after sitting up until late, and Jim still not home, I'd doze off. Or else, I'd be so upset that when he did come home he'd find me red-eyed and nervous, and less desirable than I'd ever been. "As I saw Jim slipping away from me, I felt that part of myself was slipping away. I found myself crying during the day. Poor Jim, it probably was hard on him. too, to come home to a woman who was upset. I couldn't contain my fears any longer. "I want to be part of you,' I remember once saying, my voice rising hysterically. 'I want to be part of you:' Jim looked at me coldly, and walked out. Our house was Elled with cold, empty silences. And inside of me that great longing to be Jim's sweetheart again. God, I loved him so. Couldn't live without him "He kept telling me to get a divorce if i[ was so unhappy. It was a simple solu::on for him, but not for me. I was tied :d him body and soul. I couldn't make him understand that I couldn't divorce him because I couldn't five without him. "The silences were interrupted only by luarrels. One night there was a terrible :uarrel. I said, merely as a bluff, 'I guess :ne time has come for me to get a divorce.' kVishful thinking — I had hoped he would :ecome frightened and hold me in his arms and say, 'No, I don't want to lose • ou/ Instead, he seemed relieved and aid, 'Okay. A divorce. It's best." And .e walked out. "I couldn't take it. How does a woman orget the man she loves? How does she earn to live without the man who's been her whole life for ten years? I couldn't get Jim out of my mind. There followed long, black nights that even sleeping pills couldn't shorten, and long, grey days in which I mostly lay in a stupor. I begged Jim to come back. His voice was final: "No. I don't love you..' "My family worried about me. They urged me to take a trip around the world to forget. Forget! Paris, London. Vienna were six thousand miles away, but when I was there I saw Jim's face in the crowds. Hong Kong was a blur — all I wanted was to be with Jim. It was worst of all in Honolulu. This was the last stop on my two months' global trip. I was very nervous when I got off the plane. A heavy, warm wind brought back a thousand old memories— memories of the time, seven years before, when Jim and I had been here together. True, misunderstandings had begun to arise between us then, but Jim had been with me. his love had not turned to coldness and there was still a magic about our marriage. Memories overwhelmed me as I stared out at the tall, old palms that lined the streets as the taxi drove me to the Royal Hawaiian Hotel. I broke down and cried in the taxi, feeling unbearably lonery. I left my bags in my room and walked down the beach myself, my head throbbing. "Jim . . . Jim." I sobbed to the waves. I ran back to the hotel. In my room I put through a call to him. The walls seemed to close in on me as I waited for Jim to get on the phone. 'Jim,' I cried, 'let's try again. I'm so lost without you. I can't go on.' The room pressed in on me as I heard his words, slow and deliberate. 'No. Virginia. No. You'd better forget it.' "That's when I fell completely to pieces. I stumbled toward the bathroom. Things didn't appear very real any more. I looked for the razor. I curled up in the bathtub, my head on a towel, and I waited for oblivion. When I felt the razor against my wrist, I relished the hurt. I thought the physical pain would stop my other pain. "I had almost passed out when someone shook me and I heard voices in a foggy world say, 'She'll be okay.' During the drive to the emergency hospital I was told that Jim had become alarmed at the desperation in my voice and had notified the police in Honolulu to look in on me. My cuts were treated, my wrists bandaged at the hospital. And then, my body drained of blood, my heart drained of hope, I got on the plane for home. . . . "Yes, it was a foolish tning I did. I lost my head. Friends tell me I was lucky I didn't lose my life. They say I'll get over this and find happiness again. There are three children who need me. I forgot everything and everyone in the pain of loving just one man. Now I know I have lost him, and I must learn to five without him. Dear God, please show me how." END PERMANENT DARKE NER FOR LASHES AND BROWS ''lor the hairs to which app 'Dark-Eyes" goes < sre replaced by ne :o apply! •Dark-Eyes" colors . . . doesn't coat. No sticky, beady look, no ight for weeks, lasres and JRALLY soft, dark luxuriant— without mascaral "Dark-Eyes" doesn't smear, doesn't wash off! You can rub your eyes, swim, walk in the rain, e.en enjoy a good cry at the movies— yet retain that "born beau Contains no aniline dyes. "DarkEyes" now in 26th year! 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