Modern Screen (Dec 1934 - Nov 1935)

MODERN SCREEN TEST. . . the PERFOLASTIC GIRDLE ... at our expense! If .«* 1 //"..3j 1 jjg A., /at ^ ' ■ ' " ' '1 -r-i t '"'^ "\ read an 'ad' of the Peifolastic Co. and sent for their FREE folder". ''They actually allowed me to wear the Perfolastic for 10 days on trial . . . "and in 10 days, by actual measurement, my hips were 3 INCHES SMALLER". 'fit a very short time I had reduced my hips 9 inches and my weight 20 pounds". REDUCE I ,H<H,EH$ tO YOUR WAIST AND HIPS DAYS OR . . . It costs you nothing! WE WANT you to try the Perfolastic Girdle and Uplift Brassiere. Test them for yourself for 10 days absolutely FREE. Then, if without diet, drugs or exercise, you have not reduced at least 3 inches around waist and hips, they will cost you nothing! Massage-Like Action Reduces Quickly ■ Worn next to the body ■with perfect safety, the tiny perforations permit the skin to breathe as the gentle massage-like action removes flabby, disfiguring fat with every movement . . . stimulating the body once more into energetic health! Don't Wait Any Longer — Act Today ■ You can prove to yourself quickly and definitely in 10 days whether or not this very efficient girdle and brassiere will reduce your waist and hips THREE INCHES! You do not need to risk one penny . . . try them for 10 days ... at no cost! SEND FOR TEN DAY FREE TRIAL OFFER PERFOLASTIC, Inc. Dept. 536 41 EAST 42nd St., New York, N.Y. Please send me FREE BOOKLET describing and illustrating the new Perfolastic Girdle and Brassiere, also sample of perforated rubber and particulars of your 10-DAY FREE TRIAL OFFER! Name Address . City An Amusing Story About Robert (Continued from page 34) .Slate. Use Coupon or Send Name and Address on Post Card 74 phonograph record. At last Robert, our butler, appeared in the doorway. "Mr. Montgomery, if you will forgive me, sir, the ladies say . . ." "Robert ! Can't you see I am reading !" Now I like Robert but at that moment I could have killed him. He seemed to sense it. "Yassir !" he said, and began to retreat toward the doorway. I returned to my book. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him still standing there, shifting nervously from one foot to the other. Then I heard him take a deep breath, as he prepared for the plunge. "Mr. Montgomery, there is something we all think you should know . . ." "Robert ! For the second time, can't you see . . ." "But, Mr. Montgomery, if you will excuse me, sir. The house is on fire !" I jumped to my feet. "You big idiot, you! Why didn't you tell me before!" "Because, sir," he said, as he started running off down the hall, "because, sir, I could see — you were reading !" I went down the stairs, three steps at a time, sniffing the air. I couldn't smell a thing. And the girls weren't around. I followed Robert out on the lawn. "It's the roof," he said. AND sure enough it was the roof . . . our lovely roof, crackling and blazing and going up in smoke. I dashed back into the house to the phone. I remembered that on the front page of the phone book it tells you what to do in case of fire. Those instructions had always intrigued me. I opened the phone book, and read them again, carefully. (A movie star has to do everything strictly according to Hoyle, even when his roof is on fire.) There were the familiar, important sounding words, "In case of an emergency (as though any fire weren't an emergency), dial the operator and say, 'I want to report a fire.' " Ah ! As I picked up the phone, I felt a keen satisfaction, like a man who's been rehearsing a speech for years and at last gets a chance to speak it. Still keeping my eye on that first page of the phone book, I dialed the operator. She answered and in my best voice-thatindicates-that-something-important-is-about to-be-said, I said, "I want to report a fire." I spoke very deliberately, using excellent diction. "What did you say?" she asked. "I said, 'I want to report a fire,' " between my teeth, this time. "Oh, you want to report a fire. Oh, well! What's your address?" I told her. "And the name?" "What difference does that make? I've given you the address. Can't you hurry, my house is on fire !" "I'll have to have your name." "Robert Montgomery." "Oh, hello, Bob, how are you? I saw you in a swell picture the other night. Say, Bob, I've got a little sister and she's dying to have a picture of you. Do you suppose . . ." "This is Bob Montgomery," I said frigidly, "and / want to report a fire." "Okay, Bob, just a minute, Bob. Keep your shirt on, Bob." And then she gave me the fire department. "Hello," said a sleepv voice. "Hello. This is Bob Montgomery." "Oh, hello, Bob, how are you?" "I'm fine. How are you? Hey, what is this anyway? / want to report a fire." "A fire? Really? Where?" "Here, at my house!" I gave him the address, too." "Oh, that one. Somebody up there already turned in an alarm about ten minutes ago. Don't worry, Bob. We'll be right up, we're just leaving now, as soon as the boys get dressed." "Thanks, old fellow, that's mighty decent of you," I said. "But don't bother to make it formal. Black ties will do," and I hung up. I went upstairs, climbed out on a balcony, and from there up on to the roof. I stood there looking at the fire, waiting for the fire engines. I had to admit it was a pretty fire, even if it was getting bigger. The row of crackling flames against the sky reminded me of the torch procession in Reinhardt's production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Very artistic. At last they arrived. And you know how fire engines always affect you. I suddenly got very excited and wished I had a rubber coat and hat, too. They propped up the ladder, and I grabbed the ends of it and held it steady, while the first fireman climbed up. Reaching the top, he brushed me aside and said, "Hey, get out of the way, you." THEY passed up the hose. I reached for that, too. But the second fireman nearly knocked me off the roof. "You're in the way," he said. "Damn it," I said. "It's my fire." But nobody paid any attention. They began "sprinkling" the fire with a stream of water that was about as powerful as a drip out of a leaking water faucet. "You never put it out that way," I said. "Can't you give it more water?" "Do you want your house to get wet?" one of them snapped at me. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather have it get wet than have no house." So they gave it more water. "Don't you think you'd better use a hatchet, around the edges, to keep the smouldering part from spreading?" I finally suggested. They couldn't fool me. Firemen had always used hatchets in every movie fire I'd seen. "Not a bad idea," they said. And somebody passed up the hatchets. At that moment I realized that not one of my neighbors had come to see my fire, the stuck-up so-and-so's. I guess it wasn't big enough for them. The only persons who seemed at all interested were Betty and Martha who were standing out at the front gate, looking up at us. I waved to them. Good old Betty and Martha. This would give them something interesting to talk about. I wished, too, that I could do something spectacular, but the roof showed no signs of caving in. When the last spark had been smothered, we came down to the ground, and I saw that Betty and Martha were both wearing their mink coats, and that they carried something all bunched up in their arms, under their coats. The dears, they had been calm enough to carry out our valuables. I felt proud of them. Even if the house had burned to the ground they would have saved our jewelry and silver. Then they opened their coats, and I could see that each girl carried two revolvers. "Revolvers! Of all things that should have been carried out, you had to take die revolvers ! What in the devil did you