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74
THE LAXXIGAXS AND BRANN1GANS
a sister whose face is her misfortune. She's an L. O. B, H.— an "
"Hivens! What does that mane?" asked Mrs. Brannigan, in an awed tone.
"Left On Brother's Hands," Mrs. Lannigan explained — "an' she looks the part. She has no use for friend wife an' doesn't hesitate to say so. The latther goes alone to a Bluehaymoon Ball widout no chapteron."
"For what is a Bluehaymoon Ball an' a chapteron?" queried Mrs. Brannigan.
"A Bluehaymoon Ball," Mrs. Lannigan explained, "is a place where paple wid no reputations makes love to thim what has, an' a chapteron is an ould hand at the business an' shows 'em how. At the cabaray she mates Dr. Bent an' goes crazy over him, tho 'tis no grate distance she has to travel. He takes her home, an' they are havin' a lovin' time whin her husband who has been to the millionaires' club on a lemonade spree, comes in, an' the sight av thim havin' what he cant get keels him over wid heart failure.
"Ye know, Mrs. Brannigan, there are two kinds av docthers : the radicals that kill you, an' the ould-fashioned sort that let you die. This was wan av the latther variety, but she wasn't, an' found it convaynint to give her husband an overdose av stinknine. The docther signs the death stitificat as h'art dis'ase ; the funeral is largely attended ; the widdy looks swell in black, an' he's mourned by a great number, for he owes nearly everybody.
"His sister suspects her an' puts a defective on her trail — she wears 'em long. The docther, to escape her unwelcome intentions, goes to a winter resort, where the snow is ten feet deep an' no wan nade worry about the iceman. There he falls in love wid a gyurl that is almost as pretty as my Mary. The widdy an' the defective follow him there, an' both mate their death av dampness, ravin* the ould maid the monev an'
the docther free to marry the gyurl he loves."
"What other good wans have ye seen?" demanded Mrs. Brannigan.
"Did ye see 'The Tummyoil,' fracturing Volley Volley, got out by the Muttonrow paple ?"
"No, indade," declared Mrs. Brannigan, eagerly ; "go on ; do tell me all about it."
"Well, Sheridan is the
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"THE WIDDY LOOKS SWELL IX BLACK,
invintor av a rheumatic pump. He is both rich an' famous an' has his picture in all the papers, havin' been cured by usin' only five bottles. He boasted av two sons. Jim junior an' Roscoe, an' was bpred by Bibbs. Bibbs thot he wrote po'ttry, while the others thot av twintydollar bills. As a pote, Bibbs wud have made a good blacksmith. His writin'freak worries his father, tho he has the patients av Job, who was cool aven whin he r 'ached the boilin '-point.
"Roscoe doesn't nade an auto to set the pace for him, an' ruins his health drinkin' it. He's inthrusted in business, an' his wife's inthrusted in Robert