Motion Picture Classic (Jul-Dec 1928)

f b>^ N i '■ u n u ide Oh, See the Parasites! Oh, hee, hee ! Cm in an' see the Parasites. Complete collection of hat species doomed to certain extinction when the Movies puts on rompers. God knows where they come from and maybe God knows why. A race of beings that iiilcrawls upon its belly, that never stands erect, that 'as no feet properly speaking. 'Uman tapeworms, that's wot nithey is. A race that curries favors from the gods and a goddesses of Gelatin and in exchange spews pretty plati t'l tudes ; a race that tells its benefactors they are always II right, always perfect, always more sinned against than i! sinning. Watch the strange effects of this rare race, ulees and gents. The objects of their adulations begin ) agree with them. The egos begin to swell an' swell, iike balloons. Now watch the balloons break. Blow up. Watch the contracts blow up, too. And now, ladees, ifj watch the curious and movin' phenomena of the parasite ( race creep and crawl away to suck anew in virgin fields. As pretty a sight, folks, as ever met the unsuspectin' eve. Oh, ho, ho! Step on to the Marriage Carousel of Hollywood. Watch 'em mount the first dolphin, blushin' and bridlin', blinkin' and blushin' for better or for worse. The musick starts, the carousel moves — we're off! Watch 'em catch the gold ring, watch 'em step off again, watch 'em jump again for another ride on another kinda animal, another gold ring, another, still another. Round and round and round. Cm on, ladees and gents, it's keepin' the mint in circulation for the gents of the pulpit purple. It's an ill wind. Come on, all, the Marriage Carousel is just about to start! See the Story-Butchers HI C'm on in and watch the Big Producers Work. The guys that press the buttons, that dish you up your Step Right Up! See the Wild Authors! See the Marriage Carousel! See Hollywood's Year-Round Show! favorites in all kinds of curries an' mustard. They yell for Bigger and Better Stories. Writers knock with inkstained paws upon their conference-closed doors. Wot do they do? Why, they send for a man wot has made a name for himself manufacturin' sausage. That's fair, ain't it? He has made a name for hisself, 'asn't he? You've heard of his sausages, 'aven't you? Then why shouldn't you 'ear of his movies? No reason. Come right in and watch this phenomena take place afore your very eyes. Sausage-into-script, no sooner said than done. They'll strut their stuff while you wait. Step up an' feast yore eyes upon the Turble Trick Title-Writers. Animiles with the kinda minds as would think paralysis is funny. Gaze in amazement upon 'em as they strain their brains thinkin' up things guaranteed to keep you from enjoyin' the picture! Cm on in, step lively. Be in time for the Big Parade. The Grand March. Painted Ladies in Priceless Palanquins. Look closely, gents, on'y last year these Jewelled Ones knew the pernickety Pinch o' Poverty. Watch the silhouetted Sheiks turn on their devastating detonators afore your very eyes while ferns drop by the wayside, hannilated. Watch the pack, the pack of lean-faced hextras, howlin' at the hubs, yelpin' like a pack of hounds for the throw of a bone. Watch the Big Guns turn thumbs down on a few hactresses who must admit to thoity summers or why-not. Watch the Hexalted Horder of Press Agents pull hadietives out of the hair and hang 'em about like diments. Watch 'em, right afore your very eyes, take a sow's ear and manufacshure a silk poise. You'd a thought it couldn't be done, but you will see. All for one dime, ladees and gents, one little. lirtlf' dime. C'm into the Big Top ... Oh, hee, hee, hee, hee I Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho ! 49