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They're Old Enough Pirates Claim
Illustrations By Eldon Kelley
and Fay Wray going to do? And no wonder poor little Sue Carol has to go dancing with a grey-top like Charlie Chaplin. There are no young boys left to step out with by the time eight-thirty comes and Ona Brown and Virginia Valli and Claire are all dated, and Gilbert Roland has taken Norma Talmadge to the concert.
It's got me worried. I can't sleep nights, thinking about it. I'm going to start taking yeast tomorrow.
Of course, you will argue that it's an old French custom. And so many Frenchmen couldn't be wrong. I know all about young \'oltaire. I should say I do. When he was only in breeches he used to sally around at Ninon de L'Enclos' salons. And Ninon was po youngster. No, siree. But she knew her pate de foics gras and her consonants. Not to mention her vowels. And that'll help a woman anywhere. X'owels, those pesky little rascals. How many times they've been useful to me. Have you ever tried hanging pictures on them? Or stewing them with white sauce?
But, no! You're going to bring out Josephine. She who later turned out to be Empress of France. Wben Napoleon was running around Sicily in short panties, Josie was curling her bangs into beau-catchers. So you might as well take off that black mustache, I recognize you. You,too have been reading Emil Ludwig.
I'll be generous and long-suffering and forgiving. I'll even help you. What about Helen of Troy? I'll ask you. Wasn't Paris green and young? And Helen certainly was no spring dryad. You can't fool me. I've seen the film.
The Widow of Windsor
P\on't you dare say it's all Greek to you. I couldn't '-^ .stand that. After all, haven't I suffered enough trying to figure out that if Buddy Rogers is twentytwo and Charlie Farrell is twenty-three — that makes forty-five; and why is Claire Windsor so radiantly beautiful in that new delirious shade of orchid-plum? AnO isn't it nice for little Billie, that's Claire's tenyear-old son? My. how the years do skitter by. While Buddy's waiting to take Claire to the latest hop, Billie and he can play at top-spinning or stage a kiddy car race. Or whatever it is that boys of that age dote on playing.
These gay, gay enchantresses. Consider Ona Wilson Brown. It's got me absolutely dizzy keeping track of her. Luncheon at Montmartre with one plus-foured youth, or maybe two; tea at Cocoanut Grove with another. Dinner at the Hotel Roosevelt with a third. No wonder I'm dizzy. Pain in the back, spots before {Continued on page 78)
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