Motion Picture Classic (Jul-Dec 1928)

^ r\ i^\ Always Delightful — Restful — Different — Enchanting ! "The Ambassador is one of the most beautiful places I know of MADAME GALLI CURCI — declares in one of a large number of UNSOLICITED COMMENTS by world famous celebrities. "Certainly no hotel located in any large city has such extensive and beautiful grounds." For keenest enjoyment of your visit to California, make reservations at — Los Angeles NO HOTEL IN THE WORLD OFFERS MORE VARIED ATTRACTIONS—Superb 27-acre park, with miniature golf course, open-air plunge and tennis courts. Riding, hunting and all sports, including 16-hole Rancho Golf Club. Motion picture theater and 35 smart shops within the hotel. Famous Cocoanut Grove for dancing nightly Write for Chef's Cook-book of California Recipes ATTRACTIVE SUMMER RATES BEN L. FRANK, Manager 20 bx mi Stop Me, If You've Heard This One (^Continued from page 25) "You're right, Pat," Mike shook his head sadly. " Nowadays it ain't^safe to be livin'." RICHARD BARTHELMESS: An Irish leader was cheering his men on to battle: "Min!" he says, "We are on the verge of battle an' I want to ask ye before ye start, will yez fight or will yez run?" "We will!" says they. "Which will ye do?" says he. "\^'e will not," says they. "Aha! Thank ye, min!" says he. " I thought ye would." COLLEEN MOORE: The doctor came to see Maloney, who was sick in bed. After talking to him, he came out of the room and met Mrs. Maloney: "Pat's not so well today," he declared. "Has he been sticking to the simple diet I prescribed?" "No," replied Mrs. Maloney, "he says he'll not be after starvin' hisself to death just for the sake of livin' a few years more." MARIE PREVOST: Two men were discussing the pronunciation of the word "neither." One claimed it was "neether" and the other "ny-ther." Presently Pat came along and they decided to leave the matter up to him. "How is it pronounced, Pat?" they asked the Irishman. "Nayther," said Pat scornfully. JACK MULHALL: "Sure, 'tis a fine day, Mr. Mooney." "It is, Mr. Casey. What's new?" " Haven't ye heard of Widow Mulcahey's death?" "No, phwat was the trouble?" "Well, ye see, she wint out in the yard to the pump with a pail to get a drap av water. She slipped on the ice and struck the back of her head and thin walked into the house a corpse." ROBERT ARMSTRONG: "Well, poor old Mike finally got married once too often." "Shure, and I thought he was a bachelor before his marriage." "He was." DOROTHY MACKAILL: The brother of an Irishman in the war never wearies of telling how brave Pat was. "Why," said he, "he lost his arm in the very first engagement. But then, when he was well, he came right back for more. And the corporal told me how Pat grabbed two of the enemy, with a hand on each of their necks, an' banged their heads together 'til they was knocked insensible." "But you just said he had but one arm." "Oh, so I did. But when Pat got into the thick of the scrap he forgot all about that." ALICE WHITE: Mistress: "I saw the milkman kiss you this morning, Bridget. Hereafter, I'll take in the milk myself." Bridget: "Sure, mum, it won't do any good. He promised not to kiss anybody except me." MILTON SILLS: Mrs. McCarthy: "Pat, what are yez doin' in that tub av water?" Pat: "Whist, woman, hold yer tongue. Didn't the doctor say Oi should take a spoonful of medicine in a tub av water, three times a day?" BEN LYON: Terrence Mahoney kept a saloon and Bridget, his wife, helped him tend bar. However, the poor soul died and Terrence gave her a great wake. Bright and early the following day the bereaved husband was behind the bar receiving the condolences of his customers. "Shure," said one, "and you'll miss Bridget, God rest her soul, as foine a gurl as ever drawed the breath o' life!" "Roight, y'are," Pat wiped a furtive tear away w^ith his bar-apron. " Biddie was a grand wife, she sould plenty of beer." JUNE COLLYER:^T:hc Irish conductor was trying to explain to a fussy old maid why the train was late. "You see, ma'am," he said, "the train before was behind and we were behind before besides." EARLE FOXE: Terrence was walking along the beach when he heard the cries of a man in the water about a hundred yards from shore. "Help! Help! I can't swim! I can't swim!" shouted the fellow as he floundered in the water. "Neither can I, ye damn fool, but I don't go around bragging about it," yelled back Terrence. JACQUELINE LOGAN: Mike had been detected in a lie. "Phew!" exclaimed Pat, "and yez has no regarhd for the truth." "Faith," said Mike calmly, "and I have so much regarhd for the trutb that I very rarely use it." CLARA BOW: O'Brien, on a very hot night, sat listening to a dull lecture on "Foreign Trade." Kelly on his right leaned over and whispered: "Whew, and ain't the humidity something turrible?" "That don't bother me as much as the bromidity." LILA LEE: Once there was an Irishman who was also a commuter. Very carefully he had attempted to'raise a garden and had even set in a few trees, but nothing lived except a little sapling. One night Shamus came home after dark, having imbibed freely while in the city. He drifted off the walk leading to the house and encountered the little tree which knocked him down. He rose, fell against it again, and again picked himself up, only to be felled once more. Finally he sat at the foot of the tree and burst into tears. "Losht!" he cried, "losht'Jn an impenetrable foresht!" BILLIE DOVE: Mr. O'Flaherty undertook to tell how many were at the party: "The two Crogans was one, meself was two, Mike Finn was three, and — and — who was four? Let me see," counting on his fingers, "the two Crogans was one, Mike Finn was two, meself was three and bedad ! there was four of us, but I couldn't tell the name of the other. Now, it's meself that has it. Mike Finn was one, the two Crogans was two, meself was three — and — be me soul, I think there was only three of us after all." 74