Motion Picture Classic (Jan-Jun 1929)

Found Waffleberry Declares There Really Was Such A Place As Hollywood Extract from the Laccei-Day Tabloid, May ij, j()2g "At a distance of a few hundred yards from the discovery of the temple called Graiiman's Chinese, we found ruins of a second temple, apparently known to the Hollywoodians as Grauman's Egyptian. This indicated, on reconstruction, just as clearly, that no Egyptians could have been connected in any way with its erection, so far did it differ from any known forms of Egyptian architecture. Seeing that the words Chinese and Egyptian in the names of the temples obviously had no significance, we assumed that the repeated word Grauman's must be the key to the strange uses to which the temples were put. Our assumption is that the elect among the Hollywoodians were formed into a band of untouchables, known as Graumans or Graumen, and formed a kind of mysterious priesthood which led the baser Holhwoodians in worship of the Goddess Sex-Appeal. We had clearly found the two chief temples of Sex-Appeal worship. "As to the nature of the Graumen, little can be known; but the altogether peculiar veneration showered on them by the common folk was indicated by the fact that footprints and handprints, made by them in the cement of the so-called Chinese temple forecourt, were found, with odd inscriptions accompanying them, such as "Good Old Sid — from your pal Gloria Swanson," and "Sid's a Peach of a Guy — ^Says his Buddy, Doug." The same names found in the cement inscriptions were repeated on a number of brass plates found in the Egyptian temple ruins, which had apparently been screwed to choice seats in the temple that were reserved for Graumen exclusively. It was clear to us that even the footprints and handprints of the Graumen were held in such awe that their presence in the cement of the temple court brought lesser Hollywoodians on pilgrimages to see them. Considerable Sid '' X'Y 7 HO or what the Sid mentioned in the inscriptions Y y may have been, it is impossible to say. One theory is that Sid was the Prince Consort of the Goddess Sex-Appeal. "The ruins of both temples were filled with human bones, evidently those of worshipers who were struck down by the great catastrophe while practising their outlandish rites. "On making further excavations for a radius of several miles around the temples, we discovered at various points the remains of several factories which, as no known types of machin ery were found in them, we assumed to have been for the purpose of making the symbols of SexAppeal worship which fable tells Tubs of topaz led the scientists to believe they had come upon the relics of the DeMillionaires, the deified high-priests of the Hollywooden Era us were a large part of the cult Each of the factories contained one or more small storage vaults which remain practically intact, the vaults being equipped with cunning steel doors. If these were the depositories of the symbols of Sex-Appeal, it is clear that the symbols, though small, were considered of the highest value. "If we may judge from our findings at one factory, the making of the symbols was largely a matter of conversation. We discovered a large group of petrified bodies, which had miraculously been preserved by a flow of pitch from some building which had caught fire at the time of the great catastrophe. Apparently, all the members of the group had been talking at the same time, their mouths being wide open The strangest part of this discovery was that most of the men in the group had evidently been virtually mummified from the neck up before the great catastrophe killed them and the pitch flowed down to preserve their bodies for posterity. {Continued on page 82)