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Are You
By CEDRIC BELFRAGE
Illustrations By Eldon Kelley
IMAGINARY scene in a talkie: Mr. A: " Do sing something." Mrs. B: "I don't sing." Miss C: "Then play the piano for us." Mrs. B: "I don't play the piano." Lord Q: "By Jove, then, strum us something on the uke."
Mrs. B: "I don't strum the uke."
Marquis de Z: " Mille tonnerres! Zen 'ow abo quelque chose on ze saxophone.''"
Mrs. B: "I don't quelque chose."
I said an imaginary scene. Such a thing has never happened yet in the talkies, and probably never will during the present generation. It is conceivable that our grandchildren, toddling around our gouty knees in the dim future, may tell us in their childish prattle of having seen such a thing at the picture show. But at the present stage it would be too much of a shock for the audience. All the hospitals in town would not be able to accommodate the cases of severe nervous shock which would result.
For when Mr. A asks Mrs. B to play or sing something, we all know that they have the voicedouble or playing-double ready just behind the camera, and that without any banter or the slightest need for persuasion, Mrs. B will proceed to do her stuff.
Heroes Love Music
THE producers have it firmly fixed in their heads that all really nice people are musical. And to put up for the public's approval a hero or heroine who couldn't sing, play, strum or blow something — or whose double couldn't — would be courting disaster. It would be as bad, to their way of thinking, as having your hero make a noise like a bath drainingout while imbibing soup. It would be as bad as having a detective come into a room with his hat off; in fact, it would be almost as disastrous as having a heroine who didn't long for babies and the
Th^t is the great thing about being musical in the talkies. Instead of being denied your favorite music at such times, any instrument you may happen to play is always at hand
Whether you are situated in the fastnesses of the desert, on the top of a mountain, or on top of the world, there is always a first-class symphony orchestra just outside camera range
love of a good man — I mean the love of a good man and babies — you know what I mean.
I am afraid the acquisition of noise by the movies continues to be a little too much for our producers. They are still very like children with a new toy. One kind of noise — the noise of people talking — isn't enough for them. They have to show off all the different sorts of sounds which their Tone and Phone devices are capable of reproducing. At first, of course, for no reason in the world they were always giving us close-ups of such pointless noises as donkeys braying and the striking of matches. They got over that after a bit, but music is just too much for them.
And So Do Villains
THE talkies now have people divided into two distinct classes: those who are musical and those who aren't. The latter class is simply no good. So there is no longer any difficulty in distinguishing between your heroes and your villains. All
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