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BUMPTIOUS AS ROMEO
By LaTouche Hancock
MR. Barry Bumptious, amongst other dullards, was of the opinion that the stage was the one calling which affords a royal road to success. He would argue that, tho you have to read law for the Bar, to receive a special education to be a painter, to pass many examinations to become a doctor, or a parson, yet, given the temperament, a man can be an actor in the twinkling of an eye. As Bumptious was convinced he had the temperament, he, therefore, determined to be an actor. But not in a professional way. Oh, dear, no ! that was a different thing entirely. The actors he had met did not conform to his ideas of propriety. He would start and remain an amateur, for nothing amateur could possibly be vulgar. Furthermore, argued Bumptious — and this argument was exceedingly forcible at the moment — theatrical conditions foster a certain freedom between the sexes, and — well, what he meant to say was that many actors, amateur and otherwise, regard the dramatic art less as an end in itself than a means to flirtation. For, be it known, Bumptious was in love with a maiden of. the not too euphonious name of Barbara Miffle.
Having once made up his mind to gain his sweetheart by this means, Bumptious at once set to work to achieve his end. "Romeo and Juliet" appealed to him. That play was absolutely full of love. The balcony scene, for instance, would allow him full scope for great animation, and spirited gestures, so that, carried away by his ardor, he would almost jump up to Juliet ; or, he could be so tender, melting and persuasive, that Juliet
would be impelled to jump down to him. Either would be satisfactory.
By a strange coincidence a traveling company was "playing the very tragedy he had in mind, so Bumptious proceeded to buy seats for himself and Miss Miffle. For one act, as he put it afterwards, did he endure the slings and arrows of performers, who ought to have been greeted with rotten cabbages. Then, being in a highly excited state, and forgetting all about Miss Miffle and her feelings, he almost jumped over the occupants of the orchestra seats, and, dragging Miss Miffle after him, hurried down the aisle to the intense amusement of the audience. But, while so doing, his coat caught an enormous pin, that protruded from a lady's coiffure, and being stuck in very tight, the pin followed him, attached to his coat, and a souvenir came after in the shape of a mass of false hair. The lady fainted, and her escort scuttled after Bumptious, who, quite unconscious of any larceny, was nearly out of the theatre. Miss Miffle intervened to stop what looked likely to be an extremely interesting fight; apologies followed, the hair restored, and Bumptious was dragged away by his inamorata.
"Zounds!" he exclaimed, when he regained his breath; "and they call that acting ! Acting, ye gods !" and Bumptious became tragic, and plunged his right hand into the top of his coat, striking an attitude. As he did so, he found himself facing a billboard, which announced in large letters, that "William Tell" would be performed shortly by the Star Dramatic Company. This so incensed him that he actually tried to tear the poster down, and
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