The New Movie Magazine (Jan-Jun 1931)

The HOLLYWOOD Censors have banned the glimpses of a cow reading Elinor Glyn's "Three Weeks" from a cartoon comedy. Herb Howe reports that the event was looked upon as dangerous to the morals of the community. Hollywood, Cat.: PREDICTIONS of a new World War are about to be fulfilled. The feud over Marlene's resemblance to Greta threatens a reign of terror, and now Tallulah Bankhead waltzes home from London looking like Marlene, while from Paris come the rumblings of Pola packing her munitions for another onslaught of Hollywood. With these Swedish, German, Polish and Alabaman Amazons letting fly at one another, Hollywood will be a No Man's Land in which Mussolini would not dare open his peeper. So if nothing is heard from me again you'll know I have flown to Angelus Temple for sanctuary with Aimee and Ma, Art in Ruffles: Frederick James Smith is a great picture critic but he admits he awaits my report on Marlene Dietrich's legs. He knows I have studied abroad. In my opinion Miss Dietrich is an artist to the tips of her toes. In "The Blue Angel" she achieved emotional heights with her back turned. Indeed when she hitched up her little ruffled affairs I felt she was our greatest pantymimist. Leg-Minded: The public as a whole does not appreciate art. For that reason I am a little worried about the future of Marlene's gifts. Some of my she-friends think she makes too much of them. A few suggest that her director is leg-minded. Alas, they cannot realize that an artist is interested primarily in form. Furthermore Miss Dietrich arrived in this country with only one trunk. You can't get much into one trunk. Something had to be left out, and Marlene may wisely have decided she could get along best without skirts. When Oscar Wilde was asked by the customs officials what he had to declare he said : "Nothing but my genius." Marlene might have bettered Oscar by saying: "Nothing but my geniuses." 40 Hollywood Relations: Carl Laemmle, Sr., has put his son Junior in charge of production at Universal. I went to see Junior recently and was waiting in the anteroom when an impetuous young fellow rushed in : "I want to see Junior," he said. "You will have to wait," said the secretary. "He and his lawyer have just gone in to see his father." "Oi, oi!" cried my friend. "So he takes his lawyer along when he goes to see his father now." Sensitive Spots: The Humane Society is investigating the treatment of animals used in "Trader Horn." I don't know what they can find out more than they see in the picture. Those alligators certainly looked abused to me. You can't shoot even an alligator in the tail without hurting his feelings. I know because I have a friend who doubled for one. Superior Slaughter: The Humaners get awfully upset if a boy plagues a kitten in a picture or a cow is made to read "Three Weeks," but I haven't heard any of them objecting loudly to the millionaires who go on "big game hunts." And Lady-So-and-So with her foot poised delectably on the stomach of a murdered lion is considered a heroic person. I have set traps for ground squirrels on my rancheria but when my police dog caught one and started shaking it viciously before my eyes I slapped him smartly on the wagger and told him to stop imitating his superior creatures. Human Baboons: I am not worrying about the Humane society doing the same to M.-G.-M. What worries me is that the picture boys may get scared and confess the stuff was faked. Remember how mad we got when we found out that those weren't real baboons that made off with the gals in "Ingagi"? Of all the dirty tricks! Several baboons wrote me furious protests. Corrupting Cows: I think it inhumane of those Ohio censors to bar that cow from the screen because she read Elinor Glyn's "Three Weeks" in a cartoon comedy. She'll never be able to stage a come-back unless she changes her name so that Will Hays doesn't recognize her. I don't see how "Three Weeks" can corrupt a cow's morals. I know little about the love life of cows but, even before I found out about Santa Claus, I learned that a calf on my grandpa's farm was born out of wedlock. Cows are terribly sophisticated. Camels Demand Privacy: I recall the indignation of a camel on the Universal lot. She was about to become a mother, and of course the local chatter writers had to tell. That camel was madder than Garbo when anyone tried to see her. News photographers insisted on taking a picture of the birth. It occurred at night and spotlights were turned on the expectant mother. When the baby was born the mother tried to kick it to death. They told me that a camel in captivity always tries to kill her young. It is my opinion she preferred to see it dead than see it become an actor. Camels apparently cannot adjust themselves to the picture business. They seem to demand privacy. At least this mother camel in giving birth to her child snorted something that sounded to me like, "PULEEZE !" Others Understand Einstein, But Rendered disconsolate by letters from Garbo fanatics who resent my weakness for Dietrich I was only able to go on when I received a note saying that I alone knew and understood Buddy Rogers. That makes DRAWINGS BY KEN CHAMBERLAIN ^SS"" t0 unde'"