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It's A Woozy
World
says
Woolsey
By Hi I a ry
Lynn
AMERICA'S champion cigar twister chewed pensively on his bombshell — the twenty-ninth he'd had that day — and those owlish eyes behind the tortoise shell specs grew thoughtfuller and thoughtfuller.
"So you want a few pungent remarks on world travel? Ah ha!" He eyed me dubiously. "Well, how's this for a beginning? Travel makes the heart grow fonder — hold on a minute; don't put it down yet — for America!"
All of a sudden and all of a piece, strong-armed Woolsey sprang out of his chair and approached me menacingly. I shrank back, but he fixed ms with those compelling lenses, and his voice sank to a hoarse whisper. " Can you stand the truth, girlie?" he snarled. "Well, whether you can or not, you're going to get it!" And the plastered-down hair on both sides of the famous Woolsey part stood up.
"Speaking for myself — it's impossible to speak for that guy, Wheeler — I'd say that this 'round-the-world business is plain torture. Believe me, the Orient's no place for a comic! Showing a funny man to an Asiatic is like showing a chunky side of beef to a jolly old lion! They just gobble you up. Maybe it's because they haven't any screaming comedies of their own
Woolsey would rather walk a mils than ride one ! It was the cigar, not Robert, the camel didn't like. And the humps, not the camel, bothered Bob
The Woolseys couldn't escape cameras on their trip around the world. That Black Arabian Knight between them is Mr. Wheeler. Can't fool us! Berl tried to introduce new shades for autumn in Arabia
there. As far as I could make out, a good play in Japan is just a sitting contest. The actors come out, make a bow and squat. Maybe they talk and maybe they don't. But the fellow that outsits the others is the winner.
"And that's not the only funny thing about the Orient. Can you feature living in a country where kissing is strictly prohibited? That's Japan for you. Not a kiss in a carload! "It's funny, too, how ideas of decency change with geography. In China, a woman can show as much of her legs as she wants above her stumpy feet (the stumpier, the more beautiful they are to Chinese men). But to show a square inch of neck is considered as indecent as appearing nude on Broadway. Between you and me and the door-post, I bet Marlene couldn't get a flicker from Peking to Hong Kong."
Woolsey, that masculine mass of muscles, shook his head dolorously. "Don't ever let anyone tell you, honey, that when in the Orient you should do as the Orientals do. What a mistake we made!
""V/'OU sec, the Japanese have invented -I the neat idea of making their women walk four paces in back of them on the street. Now, that sounded like an excellent idea to Bert and me. Bert even suggested it would be good practice for my wife. Like a chump, I accepted his weak-brained suggestion, and we made her walk behind us, all through Japan and China. Sometimes we didn't even answer her when she spoke to us, just to show her, once and for all, who was ruling the roost. But would you believe it — that woman didn't even appreciate the idea! It just made her mad! And her treatment of me all the way to Singapore [ PLEASE TURN XO pack 98 1
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