The Photo-Play Journal (May 1916-Apr 1917)

Real Enlightenment. "Father," said the son, looking up from a book with a puzzled expression on his face, "what is pride ?" "Pride," returned the father, "pride ! Why — a — O, sure you know what pride is. A sort of being stuck up, a kind of — well, proud, you know. Just get the dictionary ; that's the thing to tell you exactly what it is. There's nothing like a dictionary, Johnny." "Here it is," said the latter, after an exhausting search. "Pride — being proud." "Urn — yes, that's it," replied the father. "But—" "Well, look at 'proud.' That's the way; you have got to hunt these things out, my lad." "I've got it," answered Johnny. "Pre — pri — pro — why — " "What does it say?" " 'Proud — having pride.' " "That's it ! There you are as clear as day. I tell you, Johnny, there is nothing like a good dictionary when you are young. Take care of the binding, my son, as you put it back." — Pathfinder. Revised Proverbs. The man who knows not and knows not he knows not, he is frequent; you can't do anything with him. The man who knows not and knows he knows not, he will listen to you with awe; cultivate him. The man who knows and knows not he knows — shun him. He may wake up and become wise to you. The man who knows and knows he knows, he is a bore ; blackball him. — Judge. His Experience. Knicker — "The poet says Heaven lies about us in our infancy." Bocker — "Well, every one else lies about us afterward." — Nezu York Sun. Go Up Head. Professor — "What three words are used most among college students ?" Weary Fresh — "I don't know." Professor — "Correct." — University of Michigan Aivgwan. What's the Use? Mr. X. Pounder — "Brace up and have some confidence in yourself and you'll amount to something. If you have faith you can move mountains." Lazy Luke— "Oh, well! Who wants 'em moved, anyway?" — Milwaukee News. "She's an old maid." "That proves that she couldn't get a husband." "Not at all. It may indicate that she was more particular than some. I never see you exhibiting your husband around." Motorist — "Dobson, I found this long golden hair in the tonneau ! My wife's hair is black !" Chauffeur — "I'll give you an explanation, sir — " Motorist — "Explanation nothing! What I want is an introduction !" Always on the Job. A small boy wanted a watch and, as most small boys do, kept teasing his father until he was positively forbidden to mention the matter again. It was the custom in this family every morning, after family prayers, for each member to recite one text from the Scriptures. Next morning, when it came time for the small boy's turn, he said promptly : "What I say unto you I say unto all, watch !" He got it. Easily Had. "There's no use borrowing trouble," said the philosophic citizen. "You don't have to borrow it," replied Mr. Growcher. "Somebody is always willing to come along and hand it to you gratis." — Washington Star. Had It Fixed. "Do you still walk in your sleep?" asked Smith of his friend of somnambulistic habits. "No, I've stopped it," replied the friend. "I take carfare to bed with me now." — Ladies' Home Journal. Obeying Orders. Manager of Bellevue-Stratford — "Boy, stop whistling in the hall !" Bellboy — "Merely obeying orders, sir. I am paging madame's French poodle." — Punch Bowl. Ready to Oblige. "Now when you carve the turkey, don't wrastle with it." "How kin I help that? Better lemme carve the sponge cake if wrastling don't suit ye." — Louisville Courier-Journal. Innocence Abroad. Grocer — "We have some new nice horseradish today, madam." Mrs. Newlywed — -"I don't think I'll take any this morning, thank you. You see, we have just started housekeeping and haven't a horse yet."— Michigan Gargoyle. Sleep Impossible. "Porter, this berth has been slept in!" "No, sah ; I assuah you, sah. Merely occupied. It's the one over the wheels, sah." — Puck. Henry Knew. Wife — "You know, Henry, I speak as I think." Hub — "Yes, my love ; only oftener." — Topeka Journal. Mrs. Jones (in stalled car) — "You were a donkey to buy such a car and I am a donkey for riding in it !" Mr. Jones — "I wish we were ! We could haul the thing to the nearest garage !" "What is he noted for?" "He is either a literary man or a magazine writer, I can't remember which." — Life. Doctor (to nurse) — "Just tell him it's triplets, will you ! He's a friend of mine and I hate to do it !" He Knew What He Was Doing. "Now, boys," said the teacher, "I want each of you to write me a composition on the subject 'What I would do if I had $50,000.' " One youth sat idle until the papers were called for, when he sent in a blank sheet. "What does this mean?" demanded the teacher sternly. "Where is your composition?" "That's it," said the boy. "That's what I'd do if I had $50,000."— Ladies' Home Journal. A Narrow Escape. "Did you see my sunburst last night?" inquired the pompous Mrs. Newrich of her poorer neighbor. "No, I didn't," said the neighbor caustically; "but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite." All-'Round Fooling. "Well, well," said Mrs. Jingle. "Susan Spriggs fooled us all and got married at last." "I guess she has," admitted Mr. J. ; "and I reckon she'll do well if she ain't fooled herself, too." — Judge. "Them Were the Times." "Last Christmas, before their marriage, she gave him a book entitled 'A Perfect Gentleman.' " "Well?" "This Christmas she intends giving him 'Wild Animals I Have Known.' " — Life. Too Light. "The planet Jupiter has five moons." "How romantic the nights must be there!" — Kansas City Journal. His Vile Disposition. "Fine day, Mr. Gloom, and — " "Well, you didn't make it, did you?" snapped J. Fuller Gloom. "Then, what are you bragging about it for?" — Judge. Unprepared for Unpreparedness. "What is your opinion of preparedness?" "I'm so strong for unpreparedness that I am not even prepared to express an opinion." — Washington Star. That's Why. The Girl— "You say that Miss Padds and Jack Pott are going to be married. Why, I didn't know they knew each other." The Cynic— "They don't. That's why they are going to be married."— Boston Transcript. "So Miss Banger played for you? She claims that she can make the piano speak." "Well, I'll bet if it spoke it would say: 'Woman, you have played me false.' " — Tit-Bits. The Wellwisher— "Why don't you run down to the Insight Magazine with that joke? You might sell it and it's only a two-mile walk." The Jokesmith — "That would be carrying a joke too far." No Good. The Colonel — "So the bank refused to cash that check I gave you, Rastus !" Rastus — "YeYs-sah. Dat cashier man dun hav pos'tively de most seeable mind Ah ebah saw, sah." The Colonel — "How's that?" Rastus — "Yessah. Jes' as soon as Ah dun tell him whose check Ah had he said it wuz no good eben befo' he dun look at it, sah." — Nezv York Globe. Once Only. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." "That's a good theory, but it isn't alwavs wise practice." "Why not?" "I once tried to paper a room myself. I didn't succeed, but I assure you that my experience taught me never to try it again." — Detroit Free Press. Why? "Why is it we don't hear any more complaints about defective life-preservers on ships?" "Nobody has time to put them on." — Judge. Blunder. "That hat, madam, makes you look ten years younger," said the modiste. "Good gracious !" exclaimed the customer ; "how old do you suppose I am?"— Yonkers Statesman. Shifting Responsibility. "Will you have me for your wife?" said the leap year maiden, sweetly. "Since you have suggested it, I will," he replied. "But just remember, Mame, if I don't turn out to be all you expect you have only yourself to blame." — New York Globe. Circumstantial. Mother (at the party)— "Why did you allow that young man to kiss you?" Daughter — "Why, ma !" Mother— "Oh, you needn't 'why ma' me. One side of his nose is powdered and one side of yours isn't." — Facts and Fancies. Another View. "It seems foolish to mortgage a home to buy an automobile." "Yes, but if you've got an automobile you don't need a home." — Florida Times-Union. Magistrate — "But what caused the quarrel between you and your wife?" Complainant — "I put her down as a dependent of mine, sir." — Sidney Bulletin. Architect — "Here are the ground plans for your country residence." Jack Speederly — "Grind them a bit smaller, as the girl has refused me. Make it a shooting box." "Did you see Bill Dunn smoking a cigarette in a holder about a foot long?" "Yes, his physician told him to keep away from cigarettes." Note.— Address all contributions for this page to Last Laugh Editor, The Photo-Play Journal, Philadelphia