Photoplay (Jul-Dec 1947)

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I was talking to Gene the other day about the bachelor-girl hall she and Pat keep so happily. “I think,” I told her, ‘‘it’s all due to the fact that you Tierneys have the same manners with each other that you have in public.” “Good manners after all are nothing but kindness,” replied Gene. “If we remember to be kind to others, we have good manners — and to me that’s one of the most important things in life. Manners show up in so many ways. You’re right about Pat and me, I’m sure. It’s because we observe the common courtesies toward each other that we haven’t had a single argument. For instance, we never borrow gloves or stockings without asking if the other is planning on using them. Nothing is more enraging than to plan a whole outfit around a certain dress — and then discover your apartment-mate walked out in it two hours before you got home! “Luckily Pat’s and my ideas on manners agree perfectly. For a long time in our New York apartment we weren’t able to find a maid. But we still wanted to give small parties for our friends. So I would vacuum, Pat would dust and together we made all the canapes long before our guests arrived. Then when they did come, we had all the refreshments ready and we were both dressed and ready to talk. Since everything had been prepared ahead of time we were able to be relaxed hostesses paying full attention to our guests. I think this is simple courtesy toward the people you’ve asked into your home. “And when I’m a guest of maidless friends tor a weekend I try to remember my manners too. This means that I quietly make my own bed or help clear the table — but never do I spend my time asking, ‘What can I do to help?’ for that gives your hostess the impression you’re working so hard you’re not having a good time.” TO Gene, good manners extend into clothes just as well as into actions. “Nothing is more impolite to your hostess than to dress in an incongruous way when you’re going to a party she’s given thought to,” says Gene. “Once I went to a big cocktail party where everyone was dressed to the teeth — except one girl, who came in dirty sneakers and dungarees! I have never forgotten that. She had dressed for comfort and for less effort on her own part — which to me was as much of an insult to our hostess as if she hadn’t thanked her for the party. I believe you should dress up for a party and that, once at it, you should do your share of talking and mixing to make it a success.” Gene smiled, then added, “I think we all judge people at first meeting by their manners. I know I do. Often I’ve met men who were rude to waiters or who insisted on bullying them into giving them reserved tables at restaurants — which to me is unbearable rudeness. I never go out with those men twice. I also feel strongly about the kind of people who get up noisily in the middle of an act and leave the theater, or who talk loudly during a night club show. They are unkind to the actors working to entertain them. Yes, to me good manners are of vital importance.” A bow in Gene’s direction. I remember something Esther Williams said to me not long ago. She made a small distinction in the word “kindness” that Gene used. Esther called it “unselfishness.” Manners “When I was a little girl in a big family where there wasn’t much money, I learned how unselfishness counted,” she told me. “I remember when I’d be training for a swimming race, all my brothers and sisters sacrificed some of their own meat at meals so that my diet would be stronger. You don’t forget things like that. The result is that now that I have my own home, I try to be considerate of others always. When I entertain, for instance, I try to plan the evening according to my guests — young guests like one type of party and older relatives like another. That is my notion of having good manners toward the people I’ve invited under my roof.” Over and over, you see, you’ll find that really good manners start at home and thus become part of a personality — and are not stiff little affectations observed only in public — party manners. Olivia de Havilland is another gal whose manners are always showing to advantage. Long ago she learned how considerate it was to hear other people out in their stories — not to interrupt with self-centered anecdotes or to try and outdo their yams. She is what everyone loves to find and seldom does — a good listener. And she is extremely attentive toward the man most women forget: Her husband. When I asked Olivia for her opinions on good manners, she frowned thoughtfully and then answered, “Well, for one thing, I don’t believe in boring people with apologies for my appearance if I look disheveled. I give people credit for noticing if my hair is mussed, and I don’t like burdening them with a lot of breathless talk about it.” There we have three good ladies’ opinions on good manners. Summing it all up, I think good manners boil down into the old Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This means making sure that you never hurt people the way you have sometimes been hurt. Oh, and here let me get in a Colby mania: If your pleasant manners are defeated by irritability and exhaustion, better stop and think what causes your mean disposition. Ten to one it’s caused by bad health habits. Sure you’re eating all the fruits and leafy green vegetables you should be stowing away? Sure you’re drinking enough milk? There’s an old expression that “we are what we eat” and I, for one, firmly believe it. Or else, perhaps your surly nature is bom of having a misfitting job. Sit down quietly and think out what you’re after in life and then go about getting it. A job you really enjoy will take those furrows out of your forehead and the snarl out of your voice. And that’s about it — except for a brisk list of do’s and don’ts. Do remember to thank your hostess always for a party — and never omit writing a thank-you note to a weekend hostess. And do be thoughtful of others from the time you get up in the morning until the time you fall into bed again — including in stores and busses. We women have become so bad mannered in public people make jokes about us. Remember the story of the man who gave a woman his seat in the subway? She was so surprised she fainted! When she came to, she thanked him and then he fainted! Such stories are amusing — but oh, what a slur on the fair sex! To do our bit to end these jokes, I think we had better follow the advice of the Misses Tierney, Williams, and de Havilland. By remembering that good manners and kindness are the same thing, we’ll make happiness for others and also for ourselves. And you know, don’t you, what friends are the most ardent admirers of considerate and amiable women9 Yes, you guessed it — men friends! The End 110