Photoplay (Jan-Jun 1920)

THE Jnuinel A.GNUTT IN Africa the mother-in-law is no joke. On no account must a black man look on the face of his wife's mother. It would bring him bad luck if he did. It might save us a lot of family rows if we adopted a few African superstitions. Then hubby wouldn't have to make any excuse for staying at the club during mother-in-law's annual visit. TWO Canadian veterans were talking: "Do you know the difference between a louse and a cootie," asked one. "No." answered the other. "Well, a cootie is a louse which has had military training." AWAITERLESS table was recently exhibited. Miniature electric railways, somewhat on the principle of the cash carrier, connect each table in a restaurant with the kitchen. The guest writes his order and drops it into a slot on the table. A kitchen attendant places the dishes which the patron had ordered on the proper train, which stops automatically at the table. The used dishes are put on the table by the guest and are whisked back to the kitchen. IT seems that President Wilson's silk hat revived the cusfom of wearing them in England. "As a result," says Tid-Cits, "several quite decent people are in danger of either being mistaken for gentlemen or for undertakers' commercial travelers." "•yOUR Honor," said the lawyer, "I submit '■ that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open, inserted his right arm, and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish him for an offence committed only by on^ of his limbs." "That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the prisoner's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, just as he chooses." I<| The prisoner calmly unscrewed his cork arm and walked out. A ZEALOUS revenue officer was sent up into '» a Kentucky district to try to locate several "moonshine" stills which were known to exist. Meeting a native the officer said: "I'll give you fifty dollars if you can take me to a private still." "Sure I will," was the reply, as lie pocketed the money. "Come with me." For many weary miles over the mountain roads they tramped, until they came into view of army camps. Pointing to a soldier seated on a step inside the square, the native said: — "There you are, sir, my brother Fred, he's been a soldiei' for ten years, an' he's a private still." "TTHE latest swindling device used by confi* dence men in making unwary part with their money is the "opium brick." The first victim on record was Wong Tong. a chinaman living in Montreal, who was persuaded to raise $5on among his friends for 45 small square packages wrapped up in Chinese red paper and tied with red string like opium. They were filled with blocks of wood. "\77HERK you bin this hour of the night?" '''' "I've bin at me union, considerin' this here strike." "Well — you can .stay down there an' consider this here lock-out." THE fanners around Rapid City. 111., are raising a great howdy do. It seems tliat trains running from that city "to the bridge" are often delayed, and the passengers have taken to amusing themselves by milking the cows along the way. "We want precautions taken against this or the train speeded up," is the farmer's cry. STENOGR.\PHERS take notice! The Chinese Ambassador to the United States owns a typewriter with over T,8no kcjs. Each of the Chinese characters had to be hand engraved as there were no dies of the Chinese characters available. Imagine taking his dictation! 78 THE poetic hedgerows of England are doomed. They have recently been checked up and found to cover too much ground — 500,000 acres to be exact. It is pointed out by the board of agriculture that if only half of that acreage were put in wheat it would feed 1,000,000 people bread for a year. MAUD — "Your friend. Miss Blank, going to be married? Why, I had the impression that she was a woman in her declining years." Ethel — "OJi, dear no. She's in, her accepting ones." PROBABLY the world's marrying record for men was created by that noto.rious bigamist, George Witzoff, whose marriages have been estimated at about 800. A Boer woman named De Beer has done more than indifferently well in the matrimonial game. She has been married to seven husbands, is the mother of 58 children and the grandmother of 300 — a decentsized town. MAY — "What did father say when you asked him if you could marry me? Harry — "He didn't really refuse, but he made a very severe condition." May — "What was it?" Harry — "He said he'd see me hanged first." "I HEAR they are eating crows in Germany." * "Well that's a good way for the people to help their country's caws." THE ruby, weight for weight, is more valuable than the diamond. A pigeon's-blood ruby weighing five carats will sell for five times more than a diamond of the same weight. The greatest ruby mines in the world are at Mogok in Upper Burma. Burma, not only produces the finest rubies, but its output is greater than that of all other countries combined. THE latest story of the humorist of the British royal family. Prince Albert, brother of the Prince of Wales, which he declares is true, concerns a teacher who was giving her class of small children a lesson in "general knowledge." Presently she produced a photograph from an illustrated paper, showing Princess Mary as she appeared a few years ago, with her fair, curly hair upon her shoulders. "Who is this?" she demanded, and the class shouted back in prompt and gleeful vinison, "Mary Pickford!" "P\ O you love me?" said the paper-bag to '--' the sugar. "I'm just wrapped up in you," replied the sugar. "You sweet thing!" murmured the paper-bag. I^ ILLED bv lightning while standing under a '^ tree during a storm, it was found, on medical examination, that the victim's body was marked with the imprint of the tree. Such a freak is not uncommon. The markings on the skin are reddish brown in color, and resemble photographic imprints of trees or shrubs. Lightning, however, plays many strange tricks. \ girl was once crossing a meadow during a thunderstorm when .she was struck by lightning. Although every shred of clothing was torn from her. she herself merely experienced slight giddiness. In another extraordinary case a man was killed by lightning while riding a horse through a storm, but the animal was untouched and unalarmed, and carried his dead master home at a gentle trot. 'T'HE old man from the country stopped in * front of a picture palace plastered with posters of lions, tigers, elephants, and other African wild animals. "Great giins, Henry!" he .said to his_ nephew, who lived in town. "I'm glad I'm going home on Saturday afternoon." "Why are you so anxious to get away?" asked the nephew. Pointing to the notices, llic old chap read ainnd the words — "To be released on Saturday night." IN a voting competition, organized by a Danish paper. Mary Pickford received 159,199 votes, more than 20.000 ahead of her nearest competitor. Marguerite Clark. Douglas Fairbanks was top among the men, his votes numbering 132,128. W. S. Hart came next, and fairly near him, with 129,565 votes to his credit. Like the winners, the other artistes who occupied top places are favorites also in this country, but, wonder of wonders, Charlie Chaplin's name was not among theml Can it be possible that the Danes don't like him, or have his pictures been overlooked in Denmark? "VY/ HY did you snatch the lady's purse?" *'' asked the magistrate. "Because, your worship, I thought the change might do me good," answered the prisoner. TWO shipwrecked sailors were on a desert island. They were utterly miserable, pinched with hunger and cold. The one more wretched than the other said to his companion, "Can you pray. Bill?" "No." "Can you sing a hymn?" "No." "Well," said the first, "let's have something religious; let's have a collection." I N Athens goats are marched to the house* keepers' doors and milked before the eyes of patrons. But this system does not prevent adulteration. The milkman wears a loose coat with wide sleeves. Around his waist is a rubber bag filled with water, and a tube runs down his arm. As he milks he presses the tube, and milk and water flow silently together into the milk-pail. "LIEAVENS! Who's this? He's mistaken it ** for an infants' class," one of the examiners at the fifth international shorthand contest for the championship of the \yorld is said to have exclaimed when a certain youth in knickerbockers entered the room. But that youth had made no mistake. Veteran competitors were amused when he sat down at one of the desks — amusement which turned to amazement and chagrin when he beat nearly all of them, winning second place and writing fifteen words a minute faster than any writer had written before in the international contests. That is how Charles Swem, the official reporter and personal stenographer to President Wilson, first became known, and when two years later, again in the world's championship shorthand contest, he established a speed record of 268 words a minute, they began to crack the joke that Swem always wrote on wet paper to prevent the friction of his lightning strokes setting it on fire. A SAILOR stood in front of his commander, '^ a gentleman fierce of mien, and with some nasty questions on the tip of his tongue. "Brown," came the stern demand, "what have you to say?" "Sir," and the pat answer tripped lightly, "yesterday afternoon I set out to come aboard. Arriving at the railway station, I found i had only a minute to spare." "Yes," rapped out the commander. "Just then a band struck up 'The Star Spangled Banner' and I stood to attention and saluted until they had finished." "Yes." "Then, sir, by that time the train had gone!" DISHEVELLED and weary, the stout suburbanite sank gasping on a seat in the railway station, and glared at the rear end of the train he liad just missed. To him came the fussy station-master. ^^ "Were you trying to catch that train, sir?' he asked, pompously. The panting would-be passenger_ eyed hira balefully for a second before he hissed in reply:— "Oh, no! I merely wished to chase it out of the station!"