Photoplay (Jul-Dec 1922)

The Professor Goes to the Movies And Writes His Review — Get Out Your Dictionary The Professor Complains MOST Esteemed Sir: For thirty-eight years I have held the post of Professor of Entomology and Ancient Languages at Middleton University, and recently I chanced upon a copy of your magazine which some careless student had left upon my desk. I was at once attracted by the cover, which revealed a horribly distorted female cranium with enlarged eyes and semi-dissected nostrils — the epidermis of the face showing abnormally discolored areas of blue-green, purple and orange-yellow. Mistaking your magazine for a scientific journal, I casually opened its pages, and chanced upon an editorial in which you eloquently urged all persons, whose lives were confining and sedentary, to seek occasional recreation in the motion picture theaters, as a sure and pleasing means to mental relaxation. Ordinarily I ignore such exhortations, but this advice, coming, as I believed, from a scientific source, impressed me; and last evening, being disengage d, I forthwith sought a picture theater. I had, to be sure, heard of motion pictures now and again, and I had even seen occasional references to them in print, but I had never actually beheld any of their manifestations. Therefore, this adventure was my first experience with them, and — I wish to add most emphatically— my last. As for recreation or relaxation, I can assure you, my dear sir, that this particular picture, or congeries of pictures — or whatever the technical designation for it may be — offered nothing of the sort. In fact, it was most confusing and trying, and calculated to befuddle and dumfound the mind. It was heterogeneous and devoid of logic; and at all times it put a severe strain upon one's powers of perception and ratiocination. Recreation, indeed! TO begin with, the title of the performance, according to the printing projected upon the sheet, was "The Winds of Passion." But whereas I noticed that, at all times, both indoors and out, there seemed to be a violent gale blowing for no apparent reason, either symbolic or meteorological, I assure you, sir, that anything even remotely approaching passion was conspicuous only by its absence. This titular misnomer proved irritating and distracting, for That the Picture Puts a Severe Strain on His Powers of Perception and Ratiocination I was constantly on the alert, as it were, for some passional manifestation, only to be rewarded by a polite and almost Platonic affection between two neutral young persons. They were married in the end, however, though for what reason I cannot imagine. Personally I do not believe in loveless marriages. The entertainment began with a long and tiresome series of unrelated animated portraits of the persons who were to take part in the picture, and then, without the slightest warning, a piece of verse was thrown on the sheet, to the general effect that there is so much which will not bear close scrutiny in the most exalted of us, and so much that is really noble in the least desirable members of society, that everyone should refrain from sitting in moral judgment upon his fellowman. I presume that this was one of those educational films of which I have heard, but I could not recommend it; for the verse was mere doggerel, and there are many better bits of philosophic poetry which could have been used. This verse was left on the sheet a very long time — for memorizing purposes, I imagine — and then we were given a few glimpses of Paris — the Bois de Boulogne, the Place de la Concorde, the Boulevard des Italiens, and a view of some private dwelling. This sudden switching from moralistic verse to foreign scenes was a bit confusing, coming as they did immediately after the title of a story and the presentation of its dramatis persona; and I turned to the young man next to. me for enlightenment. But he informed me, rather testily, that the foreign views were a part of the play, as the story was laid in Paris. However, I was by no means satisfied. THIS explanation was most illogical, for none of the characters appeared in the scenes, and I was forced to conclude that they were travel pictures of an educational nature. A short while later we were presented with a picture showing two enormous birds, crouched beak to beak, on the bough of a tree; and again I asked the young man next to me if he knew what species of fauna they might be. But he merely remarked curtly: "They're doves." (Continued on page III) 67