Photo-Play World (June 1919)

in 1111111111111 mu mi 64 THE PIIOTO-PLAY WORLD His Celestial Job Sergt. (blowing whistle)—Private Buck, get out on detail. Private Buck —For heaven’s sake, when do I rest? Sergt. —You will rest when you get to heaven. Private Buck —Well, I hope so, but I’ll bet a dose of gold fish hash I won’t be in heaven ten minutes when just as I lie down and the angels come over to niy bed and start singing to me, old boy Sergeant Gabriel will toot his whistle and say, “Private Buck, get up. You’re on detail tonight, go down and hang out the stars.” To Be Safe The prima donna was reading the rough draft of her new contract. When she came to the paragraph providing that she should have transportation for herself, maid, dog and Sig. Gazibeani, her hus- band, she drew a line through the signor’s name. “Just put that husband,” she ordered. “Yes, madam,” assented the manager. “But why, if I may ask?” The diva blushed and coyly fingered her hair. “I may wish to make a change,” she answered. A Dainty Appetite “Dearest," he murmured, as soon as they were seated in the high- priced restaurant, “you can have anything you want on the bill of fare. Shall I read it off to you?” “No,” she replied hungrily, “just read it off to the waiter ” Setting Him Right Judge —I understand that you prefer charges against this man? Grocer —No, sir. I prefer cash, and that’s what I had him brought here for. Headed the Same Way Johnson had been dining out with some friends. When he left to go home he found himself in a very thick fog. Stumbling along a narrow pathway, he found himself descending a flight of steps. This he felt sure was not right, and hearing footsteps ascending, he paused. “Pardon me,” he said to the dim figure which presently loomed through the fog, “but can you tell me where I am going to?” “Certainly, sir,” replied the stranger, politely. “If you go straight on you will walk into the river! I have just come out!” Their Occupation Gone Darby —I saw, in a main-street window, about one hundred articles on which the price had been re- duced fifty per cent. Joan (excitedly)—You’ve been drinking! But what are they? Darby —Knitting needles. Losing No Time It was late in the afternoon when the Scotch minister arrived at the farmhouse. The housewife sug- gested that perhaps he would like a cup of tea before he began the “exercises.” “Na, na,” said he, “I aye tak my tea better when my work is done. You can put the pan on and leave the door ajar, an’ I’ll draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the haam fizzin’ ” A Bit Too Bracing First Rookie —How do you like the navy? Second Rookie (after five hours on the grinder)—Well, I wish I’d joined the army where they don’t have so much drilling. polite, and as a fashionably dressed young lady started to board the car, he called out, “Watch your step, ma’am!” “It won’t be necessary,” returned the pretty miss, as she elevated one knee almost to her dainty chin in an effort to place her foot on the top step. “I’m sure these gentlemen behind will do that for me.” Mining “Well, Rastus, I hear you are working again. What business are you engaged in?” “I’se done be engaged in de mining business, sah.” “What kind of mining are you doing, gold, silver or diamonds?” “I’se doing kalsomining, sah.” ONE DOLLAR FOR YOUR FUNNIEST JOKE W HAT'S the funniest joke you ever heard ? In a normal lifetime everyone hears a great many jokes, stories and anecdotes that are not easily forgotten. Some are in local setting and under- standing. But jokes are lor the whole world to enjoy and they should be passed along freely. Write down the fun- niest joke you ever heard and send it to The Photo-Play World. For all the manu- scripts which are deemed ac- ceptable we shall be glad to send the contributor a check for one dollar. Dubious Praise Critic —I think your background is beastly. Artist —Indeed, and perhaps you think the cattle in the foreground beastly, too. Critic —Oh, not at all. They are anything but that. Suspicious Jane Willis —Do you really think Charlie was true to you while he was away at war? Jane Gillis —I have my doubts. On two or three occasions since he came back, he has absent-mindedly tried to make love to me in French. Next Question “What you need,” stated the doctor, “is ozone.” “Thank you, doctor,” said the fashionable dame. “And where shall I go for it?” The Crank First Thot —They have taken the cranks off the front end of most makes of cars now. Second Thot —And put them in the seats of many. Unnecessary Precaution The bottom step was broken off a street car. The conductor was The Pessimist It was a mile over Mount Clemens. The pilot of the plane from Self- ridge Field was giving a visiting officer his first air voyage. He cut off the motor. “See those people?” shouted the pilot. “Fifty per cent, of them think we are going to fall.” “They’ve got nothing on us,” was the reply that streamed for half a mile back of the plane; “fifty per cent, of us do.” She Didn't With a stormy look on his face, the master of the house waylaid the servant in the kitchen. “Look here,” he began, angrily, “how dare you tell my wife what time I came home this morning, after I had told you not to?” The Irish girl eyed him steadily. “Shure, an’ Oi didn’t!” she replied, calmly. “She asked me pwhat toime vez came in, an’ Oi only told her that Oi was too busy gettin’ the breakfast ready to look at the clock.” The Quick Trigger Cop (to homing clubman)—Where are you going at this time of night? Clubman —I’m—hie—goin’ to a lecture. A Mystery “I simply can't understand the combination of my wife’s clothes.” “What puzzles you?” “Well, when she wants to hide anything she pokes it down her neck, but when she wants to get it again, it’s always in her stocking.” Punishment Lawyer —Don't you think $25,000 cash would be punishment enough for his breach of promise? The Aggrieved —No, indeed; I want him to marry me. Foresight Mr. Feedwell came home well pleased with his achievement at the employment agency. “I engaged two cooks today,” he said. “Why two?” said his wife. “We need only one.” “I know,” said Mr. Feedwell, “but one comes tomorrow and the other a week from tomorrow.” How to Get a Job “Your credentials are satisfac- tory,” said a manufacturer to a youth who was applying for a situation as clerk. “Have you a grandmother?” “No, sir.” “Any dear old aunt.” “No, sir.” “Or great aunts?” “No, sir.” “Or any other relatives who will be likely to die during the 1919-20 football season?” “No, sir ” “You’ll do. You can start work tomorrow.” Interrupted “As I was saying,” he said, “we entered the cafe and had no more than seated ourselves at the table and said to the waiter ‘Bring us three—’ when a fellow showed his badge and said, ‘Three what?' and we said ‘plates of beans. ” Why He Doesn’t Hear It “This is the fourth morning you’ve been late, Rufus,” said the man to his colored chauffeur “Yes, sah,” replied Rufus. “I did ovah sleep myself sah.” “Where’s that clock I gave you?” “In m’ room, sah.” “Don’t you wind it up?” “Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah." “And do you set the alarm?” “Ev’ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah.” “But don’t you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?” “No, sah. Dere’s de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing goes off while I’m asleep, sah!” Eternal Youth “Wanted, Cashier, smart man OVER 80, EXEMPT FROM MILITARY SERVICE.” iiiiiiiiimiiiii iiimmnm mm iiiimmmm miihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. tisn.’Tf 1111*111 iii iiiinn«j