Picture Play Magazine (Sep 1928 - Feb 1929)

The Stroller 53 No one required the services of a trained goose, or of Pearl Alexander, either. With conditions getting steadily worse in many a Beverly Hills mansion and Hollywood apartment, Christmas bobbed up on the calendar. Studio panics always occur near the holidays. I don't know why. It has happened too often to be an accident. On Christmas Eve Pearl bared circumstances in the Alexander family to her swain. The sister had eloped with the man who read the gas meter. The glass-blowing father had not broken his seven years of rest. All Hollywood was apparently doing its own washing. Elmer was invited to Christmas dinner, with an excellent prospect of there being nothing to eat. "Elmer," said Pearl, "it's up to you." "What's up to me ?" "We ain't got no money, and we ain't got nothing for Christmas dinner. You gotta promote us a gump somewhere." "You mean " Her meaning was beginning to penetrate even Elmer's foggy mentality. "I mean nuthin'. You just gotta get us a fowl of some kind." Elmer, stumbling out into the night, wished profoundly that Pearl were not so vicious. All night long he wrestled with the problem of his divided love. At daybreak Dodo lost by a small margin. One blow of an ax ended the career of the world's only trained goose. Elmer writhed as the savory odor of the cooking goose smote his nostrils. "As soon smell Pearl cooking," he muttered. He probably did not mean it. Surrounded by mountains of potatoes, all that remained of Dodo was set upon the table. Alexander, pere, jabbed at it tentatively with a fork. The tines bounced back, ringing like a bell. He slashed at it with a knife. The blade made not the slightest impression. Wrists aching, he put down his weapons. "How old is this buzzard?" he asked. " 'Bout six years," said Elmer, morosely. With a sharp exclamation Pearl pounced to her feet, seized the carving implements and began to heave at Dodo, her teeth clattering with anger. After some moments of hacking and sawing she seized the fowl by a drumstick. "The damn thing's made of rubber," she cried, and brought the carcass down on Elmer's head. The goose trainer scrambled to his feet, terrifying in his wrath. "You — you beazle !" he cried. Even Pearl's razor-edged tongue was momentarily stilled, as Elmer snatched up his cap and departed, banging the door behind him. Kicked off the farm, Elmer Thistlewaite and his trained goose found fame, fortune and tragedy in Hollywood. The Stroller sympathizes with Lui Trugo, because he has to read this departm e n t every month. For hours he wandered the streets. It should have been snowing, but was not, because the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce will not permit it. He might have leaped into a river, but there is no river within a hundred miles of Hollywood large enough to drown a cat. He had lost his girl. He had lost his goose. He had lost his Christmas dinner. He had lost his means of livelihood. He was in one hell of a fix. There is a tale current in Hollywood, which I have mentioned before, of the actor who wanted a role so desperately that he cut off his right leg, only to find the role required a Thespian with his left leg missing. This sad tale, however, is permanently put in the shade by the girl who came to Hollywood and couldn't get a break. So she adopted a European name and an accent you could hang a hat on. She sprang into temporary prominence. Then somebody invented talking pictures and now she's out in the cold again, because of her acquired accent. An obscure actress and her manager, so it is reported, sent a personal letter to Prince George, while he was in southern California, urging him to "drop around any time." He was entertained by Doug and Mary, Gloria Swanson, and others. But, oddly enough, he never did get around to accepting the invitation from the actress of whom he had obviously never heard. She and her adviser are still bewilderedly awaiting a reply. For popular acclaim the stars of Hollywood ran a poor second to the aviators, during the National Air Races recently staged in Los Angeles. Continued on page 109