Convention City (Warner Bros.) (1933)

Special Radio Sketch HILARIOUS TEN-MINUTE RADIO SKETCH FROM COMEDY HIT, “CONVENTION CITY” Here is a corking radio program with enough of the picture’s slapstick comedy in it, to make the fans eager to see the film itself. Just a few of the snappy incidents from the fast-moving action of the picture have been chosen, and they lend themselves perfectly to SIX CHARACTERS TED KENT: Honeywell Rubber Company’s crack salesman and lady-killer. NANCY LORRAINE: A blonde gold digger whose bluff Kent PHIL LORRAINE: Alias Fred con game. Wilson—her side-kick in the GEORGE ELLERBE: Honeywell salesman who wants to be a sugar daddy. MRS. ELLERBE: Who follows him to the convention and cramps his style. MADAME: Saleslady in swanky board-walk fur-shop. Regular station announcement fol{morning Nancy—I understand you’d lowed by ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it is our privilege now to offer you a few of the thousand and one laughs in uproarious ‘‘Convention City,’’ the Warner Bros. First National production which comes to the reg ad ect Theatre next................ featuring Joan Blondell, Adolphe Menjou, Dick Powell, Mary Astor, Guy Kibbee, Frank McHugh, Patricia Ellis, Ruth Donnelly, Hugh Herbert, Grant Mitchell and many other screen favorites. Archie Mayo directed. Mr. (name of theatre manager or his agent) will give you a brief summary of the story up to the opening of the sketch. NARRATOR: Thank you (name of Announcer). The special train loaded with the salesmen and _ saleswomen of theHoneywell Rubber Company is just pulling into Covention City. Many are already fairly wel] plastered. The great Mr. Honeywell himself, unctous and condescending, is in the crowd. T. R. Kent, champ salesman and all-around good fellow is very much there. Then there is be-wigged George Ellerbe and his nagging wife who just would come along, Arlene Dale the best saleswoman on the road and the prettiest, Claire, the president’s swanky daughter, and Jerry Ford, answer to a maiden’s prayer—at tending his first convention. As the Honeywell Special pulls into the big Union Depot another Convention crowd is leaving. The platform is crowded with sodden salesmen. Bedlam is let loose—(Here begin, faintly, sounds of voices—horns —clackers—band music through which the voice of the Narrator is heard— swelling until it finally drowns him out). Empty ginger ale and liquor bottles are strewn all over. Cuties are speeding the parting guests and ready to give a hot cha welcome to the incoming suckers. (Here the noise becomes deafening — voices singing ““HAIL, HAIL, THE GANG’S ALL HERE—’’ ‘‘Where’s the porter?’’ horns—‘‘Women—we want women’’ — band music —‘‘ Hello, cutie’? — “‘What’s the Mayor’s name?’’ ‘‘ Tell the Mayor to get me a couple of bottles of ginger ale—’’ ‘‘WE WON’T GO HOME TILL MORNING—TILL —’’ Cheers—Blare of horns—all in the wild tumult —ending with a crash). NARRATOR: Business sessions out of the way, the Honeywell Boys hit the high spots and one of the first casualties is Jerry the heartsmasher—who comes to Ted Kent in wild excitement to report that a blonde by the name of Nancy is holding him up for a thousand bucks! He insists that Kent must let him have the grand at once to keep him out of jail. Kent tells the kid to wait, and dashes off in his bathrobe to the room of the sulking gimme-girl He knocks. (sounds of same). NANCY: (off, in wounded tones) Come in. (door opening) KENT: (with suave gaiety) Good like a thousand dollars. NANCY: (sharply) Is that any of your business. KENT: (good-naturedly) Sure. I’m the paymaster. Here. Take this—a nice, new, fresh, crisp twenty dollar bill straight from the ‘United States Mint. NANCY: You go jump in the lake! KENT: All right, but first we’ll call a cop and get his opinion of this little matter. (Click of receiver ) NANCY: Don’t phone, you fool— KENT: Why? NANCY: (sullenly) Ill take a VS eee ee i KENT: TWENTY, / sweetheart Take it or leave it. NANCY: (choked with rage) You great, big, ugly, pickle-faced bab boon! PiH— KENT: Well, YES OR NO! I’m a busy man! NANCY: Think you're smart, don’t you? KENT: Not smart, just—EXPERIENCED! Bye-bye! NANCY: Fork that dough over! KENT: Okay—(off) Best 0’ luck! NANCY: Ill fix you—wise guy! (Door bangs) (Several bars of “Youre Getting to Be a Habit With Me’’) NARRATOR: In Convention City everything, but business is booming — firewater flows — free-for-alls are going big—gold-diggers are hitting the pay dirt—on a divan in a corner of the hotel lobby you may now see George Ellerbe, his toupee askew, telling his troubles to the dapper Kent. ELLERBE: It’s worse than being in jail, Ted. My wife won’t let me out of her sight—(whining) You boys are all having the time of your lives and me—well—I’m starving to death at a banquet. KENT: Maybe you’re lucky, EIlerbe, to have someone to keep you on the straight and narrow— ELLERBE: (indignant) Lucky! KENT: Sure. You won’t run wild this week and crab your chances of being made sales manager! ELLERBE: I—I—never thought of that. KENT: (amused) Well, think it over now, boy. ELLERBE: Aw, but shucks, Ted —I been around—I won’t get into no jam—if my wife was only outa the way—. KENT: So you still want to be a sugar daddy, do you? ELLERBE: Sugar daddy nothin’! Listen, Kent, I’m young and healthy —may not look it, but— KENT: So you’d like Mrs. Ellerbe out of the picture? ELLERBE: Oh, boy! KENT: She hasn’t got any relatives who could get sick and send for her, has she? ELLERBE: (shouting) Ted, you’re a genius! Her sister Ella—in Cleve land—aw, but, Ella ain’t sick—the whole family’s too darn mean to get sick. 2 KENT: Give me her sister’s name and address. ELLERBE: What you gonna do— you ain’t gonna— KENT: Leave that to me. ELLERBE: I hope you—make— it look—on the level, Kent. My wife’s a terrible swatter. If she ever got suspicious—I’d—I’d have to move to Korea! KENT: Relax! Your wife is practically out of town now. ELLERBE: Shake, boy — You’re sure a real pal—besides bein’ a genius—Say, Ted... KENT: Yeah? ELLERBE: (embarrassed) You— remember last night—that little girl who—sat on my lap— KENT: Lay off her. mite. I know. ELLERBE: Aw, what the heck! A man only lives once. (heavy sigh) And my—my playdays are almost over. I’ll be careful—would you— give a fellow her phone number? KENT: Her name is Nancy Lorraine— ELLERBE: Yeah! Yeah! KENT: Thousand Dollar Nance— You can reach her through the Bijou She’s dyna your chin! — “he \ ELLEREE: I’m a man with an iron chin, ha ha! __KENT: You'll need it, fella, be lieve me! ; goes (Several bars of “Young and Healthy.’’) NARRATOR: Kent’s plan works. Ellerbe’s wife goes to Cleveland— but—like the villain of the old melodrama, she returns! George is in a swanky boardwalk shop buying a fur coat for the lovely Nancy. The salesday is in ecstasies: Theatre—and you're leading with | SALESLADY: (gushingly) Ah, Madame, c’est adorable! Magnifique! De coat she mak you look so lovelee! NANCY: (cooing) You like it, Honey? ELLERBE: You bet. SALESLADY: Absolutement! Madame must have zees coat! Jamais de ma vie have I seen anyzing so charmant! NANCY: (softly) Feel how soft, Honey. ELLERBE: (Hot and bothered) That’s the—that’s the skin you love to touch—huh? NANCY: And such a bargain, Daddy. Only fifteen hundred—practically giving it away! ELLERBE: ‘Ye—y-y-yes—b-b-but NANCY: You can’t say no, Sugar Plum. You wouldn’t want to break your poor baby’s heart. ELLERBE: Fifteen hundred is an awful lot of money. NANCY: If yowre a sweet boy Tll wear it for you—(whispering) ELLERBE: Willya? NANCY: Cross my heart. ELLERBE: Well, I guess we can manage to — (Door violently thrown open— crash of glass) SALESLADY: (shrieking) Ou, la la LA! MRS. ELLERBE: rage) YOU VIPER! ELLERBE: (scared stiff) I—yes —you see my dear—I—these are fur coats! MRS. ELLERBE: So this is why you tricked me to Cleveland! Come here! T’ll teach you to buy huzzies fur coats— NANCY: (getting the drift) Perhaps, now, that Madame has ar (wild with rived, you will not need a model. Perhaps Madame would like to choose her coat herself. MRS. ELLERBE: (falling for it) Oh, oh, I beg your pardon, George dear—You darling! So you were getting a SURPRISE for me. ELLERBE: Sure — sure—a surprise—yes yes—of course—my dear! Yes! MRS. ELLERBE: And I’ve spoiled everything by walking in on you this way. Isn’t that a shame!—But TVll love your gift just as much— Oh, oh, OH! Isn’t it exquisite! SALESLADY: Would Madame care to slip it on? MRS. ELLERBE: Of You do forgive me, George! ELLERBE: Oh, sure, sure, I do, dear—yes, yes, I certainly do. SALESLADY: Tres chic, Madame —Magnifique! Charmant! You simply must have it! ELLERBE: (hoarse whisper) You saved my life—phone tomorrow—. NANOY: (whisper) You’ve got to buy me a fur coat, too. ELLERBE: (whispering) thing—anything. (door shuts) MRS. ELLERBE: George, I think this coat looks very well on me. ELLERBE: I think so, too, dear —yes—yes—I sure do. Yes—! (Few bars of “How Dry I Am.”) \ BARRATOR: | All ove tion City Hotel—corks are —heads are breaking—Daddy Ellerbe at last manages to sneak Naneeeep to his rooms while his wife is out shopping. He is pretty badly ‘bunned’ now and you may hear him chasing the cutie playfully about the rooms. ELLERBE: Nancy — (panting) Oh, Naney—oh hum—TI’m outa breath — Nancy — Papa says come here! . NANCY: (coyly, off) Papa’s got to catch me then. And remember! Papa’s got to get his little Nancy another fur coat— : ELLERBE: Sure, sure (breathless) oh hum—sure—sure I will— yes yes—Sure! (Thundering on the door) NANCY: (pretending fright) Daddy, who’s that? ELLERBE: Calm down—it’s just some of the boys—I’ll get rid of ‘em all right— (More beating on door) PHIL: (Off) Open the door or I'll NANCY: Heavens, it’s my hus band! He’ll kill us both. Where can I go? Where can I go? PHIL: (off) Open the door or I’ll break it down. ELLERBE: (in low tone) Into the closet, quick! PHIL: (Throwing weight against door) I’m comin’! ELLERBE: Wait, M-m-mister (key turns in lock) I’ll letya in. Why sure—yes yes— PHIL: Say what’s the big idea? ELLERBE: Why—why— PHIL: I saw you come into this room with my wife. I’m Phil Lorraine! Youre gonna hear a lot about me! You _ heart-thief—you home-wrecker! Where is she? ELLERBE: Listen, Mister Lorraine!— PHIL: (roaring) She’ll never twotime me again. I’m going to kill course— don’t you, Any her! Where is she? ELLERBE: (excitedly) I-I-I-it’s all—a mistake— PHIL: (slowly menacing: Why you—old—reprobate! NANCY: (melodramatically) Phil! Don’t! Don’t beat him up— You mustn’t, Phil! The whole thing’s my fault. He didn’t know I was married! : radio broadcasting. Some of the local young people will be glad for an opportunity of broadcasting and the resultant publicity will also prove of considerable benefit to your theatre. If you have not yet used the air, begin with this unusual sketch. ELLERBE: Honest, didn’t know. PHIL: All right, I won’t dirty my hands with ya. Nor with you either—you double-crossing little— Wait till I haul the both of ya into Court! ELLERBE: Oh, no—no Mister— not that! I’d lose my job—lI’d be disgraced—ruined—if it ever came out. PHIL: You should have thought of that before you wrecked my home! ELLERBE: H-how much is it w-worth to ya—to forget all this? PHIL: Five thousand dollars. ELLERBE: (groaning) I haven't got that much! Mister, I PHIL: (roughly) How much have ya got? ELLERBE: A thousand. PHIL: I'll take it—and your } check for the rest. (Hasty knock—door opening) KENT: Say—what the—who— what’s going on here? PHIL: (uneasily) Who are you? KENT: Who are YOU? PHIL: Her husband. KENT: Ah ha—now I get it! Well, this is just dandy. By the way Ellerbe, your wife is downstairs—on her way up— ELLERBE: What? KENT: And as for you, young fella, youre no more Nancy Lorraine’s husband than I am. Scram. Get outa here before I call a cop. This is 1933—Badger games haven’t been good for ten years— NANCY: (very sore) Do you have to come shovin’ your ugly puss in whenever I get a chance to turn a trick— ELLERBE: Gee, Kent, I can’t ever thank you enough. You saved my life! (Knock at door) KENT: O-0! Maybe I didn’t (Knocking) MRS. ELLERBE: (off) What you doin’ in there, George? ELLERBE: Yes, my dear, yes— yes—I only— MRS. ELLERBE: (off) Well? How long am I to wait? KENT: (through the key iole) Oh, Mrs. Ellerbe—this is Ted Kent. My—my shower broke and George said I could use yours— MRS. ELLERBE: (off, fiercely) Oh, yeah? Get into it then! Quick George, open this door (rattling it) ELLERBE: Yes, my dear—yes yes (aside)—oh, she’ll kill me—Go down the fire escape, you two— (sound of scuffle) MRS. ELLERBE: (off) Once and for all, George, or I’ll call the house detective— ELLERBE: (turning the key) My dear—I—that is— MRS. ELLERBE: Aha! Just as I thought! Come back up here you wench! You, too, you thug! Help! Police! Oh, you'll suffer for this, George Ellerbe, and you too, Kent! I just wired your wife about you! KENT: You what? MRS. ELLERBE: (screaming) She’s taken my fur coat—oh, oh— I’m fainting! ELLERBE: Yes, yes— MRS. ELLERBE: I won't faint! Come here, you runt! Take that (sound of swat) and that! ELLERBE: Yes—my dear— MRS. ELLERBE: Help! Police! Thieves! : (music—“Shuffle Off to Buffalo”) NARRATOR: And this is only a bare glimpse of the uproarious, fastmoving, up-to-the-minute gloom-repeal picture “Convention City! At the Strand Theatre next. Till then—Good Health and Good Luek. my dear—yes Help! Page Twenty-seven il ee