I Sell Anything (Warner Bros.) (1934)

Sell them this way—right in their own homes. Radio station's staff players or local acting group can do the parts. Material is smart and fast—the kind that makes an interesting 15 minute program. SEVEN CHARACTERS “SPOT CASH" CUTLER (Pat O'Brien): Wise, wily, lightning-action auctioneer who sells anything. MiLLICENT CLARK (Claire Dodd): Fashionable young lady customer whom he takes in—and who takes him over. BARBARA (Ann Dvorak): Pretty girl who steals to keep from starving and is protected by "Spot" who might have prosecuted her. MONK (Roscoe Karns): "Spot's" right-hand man in auctioneering game. FIRST STOOGE: In employ of "Spot Cash." SECOND STOOGE: In employ of "Spot Cash." PERTWEE: Chauffeur to the swanky Millicent Clark. Regular Station Announcements followed by— ANNOUNCER: By special arrangement with Manager ...... Of the |. . aa Theatre, we offer for your entertainment flashes of the whirlwind action of “T Sell Anything,” the First National picture which comes to the ae Theatre next........ —featuring Pat O’Brien, Ann Dvorak, Claire Dodd and Roscoe Karns. Mr. (narrator) will briefly outline the story. NARRATOR: Pat O’Brien plays the part of “Spot Cash” Cutler, a Second Avenue auctioneer—whose reali adventures begin after he sells a jeweled belt buckle to a fashionably-dressed woman for fifty dollars—and discovers that she disposes of it for five thousand. We now imagine ourselves at Spot’s place. An auction sale is in progress—carried on by the proprietor’s main sidekick, Monk. He also employs “—~ two other men as “stooges” to bid articles up. Quite a crowd bik of customers 1s 1n attendance. Spot, himself, is leaning nattily on his cane in front of his place of business—having just given a disgruntled customer the bum’s rush. He is eyeing a swanky toreign car which has drawn up + in front—no one in it except an extremely stiff, high-nosed and _ imposing chauffeur. Spot calls to _ the man agreeabuy. (Begin drone of Monk’s voice, inside shop, his ' words not understandable.) $ * i i oe shofe? . ee SPOT (briskly) : How’s things, } .. Tsay, how ya makin’ Sout? ... Won't talk, huh? ... ‘that is a pretty swell pushcart ~ you’re drivin’, pal... . You cer' vainly get a lotta nice fresh air out here, don’t ya? No? What / do you do when it rains? _ Dummy, huh? I bet them brass buttons get green! Yeah? ... Well, glad I metcha! . . . Drop around again sometime! ... And _ say! Let ME get a word in edge ways next time! CHAUFFEUR (haughtily, off): My good man... beg par don... but will you kindly step “ut here for a moment? SPOT (voice fading): Surest ai hing ya know, buddy! *+CHAUFFEUR: Come close, “gill you? Let me have your ear, & it were! *SPOT (off): It’s YOURS.... shoot! CHAUFFEUR (O(n stage hisper): Nertz! SPOT (greatly amused) : Swell, id! ... Youre a riot! When “idya start thinking that one up? CHAUFFEUR (unbending a trifle): I’ve been considered rawther droll from childhood. .. . SPOT: Come on inta me joint, willya? I gotta PRESENT for Yaeeus CHAUFFEUR: I really shouldn’t leave this bally old sherabang. My lady will be back in a moment? SPOT: Your LADY? CHAUFFEUR: Miss Millicent Clark of Central Park West. SPOT: Oh, yeah? She’ll spotya —come along wit me? (Door heard opening — voice of Monk heard clearly now, in auctioneer jargon.) MONK (high whine): Four dollars is all I’m bid for these wonnerful binocalers! ... Lis’n folks . . . you’re breakin’ my heart. . . . Who’ll make it five. ... Who'll make it five. ... Look at ’em....Evena blind man can see through ’em. . .. (Voice lower as he gets heartfelt and confidential.) SPOT: ‘Looka here, shofe. ... In this draw I gotta a nice little box special for you! .. . Open it up! ... Watta ya think o’ them . . . NUT-CRACKERS ... boy . nut-crackers! I wantcha to use them personal! CHAUFFEUR (very English): I am very much indebted to you, old top. ... We must see more of each other. ... MONK (his voice shrill and pleading): What do I see! ... What DO I see! These glasses are better even than I thought! I look through ’em now ... and what do I see? Yonder by the door!!!! I see a VERY BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY who has prob’ly come to OUTBID you! CHAUFFEUR (to Spot in undertone): ’Eavens above! It’s me LADY! MILLICENT (shouting at him): PERTWEE! What are you doing in here? I’m ready to go! CHAUFFEUR: Madame.... MILLICENT: What do I pay you for, Pertwee? Do you wish to look for another job? SPOT (suavely): Don’t bawl him out, baby. It was all my fault. MILLICENT (high-andmighty): And who are you, may I ask? SPOT (graciously): The old auctioneer himself, lady. I was afraid he’d ketch pneumonia outside in the air—so I invited him in. MILLICENT (curtly): Very kind of you, indeed. (Sternly) May we go now, Pertwee? SPOT (coaxing): Aw, don’t get sore now, missus! ... You see, I sorta run Second Avenue, and when visitors come down I like to show ’em around.... i couldn’t interest ya in a washing machine, could I? (Low murmur of voices of customers.) MILLICENT: Thank you, no. (Laughs lightly.) SPOT: How about a swell banjo? MILLICENT: No, thank you. SPOT: How about some of these here things in the show case... di’monds ... pins... brooches ... belt buckles... . Lookit this’un ... old gold with carvin’s and... MILLICENT: That’s rather an Yes, interesting buckle. ... May I look at it? SPOT. (speedily): Yes MA’AM! (Show case opened) Now this is what I CALL a buckle! You could hold a team of horses with it.... MILLICENT: How much is it? SPOT: Nothing’s for sale here. Everything’s AUCTIONED. You gotta bid. MILLICENT: TI really don’t know why I should, but it rather takes my fancy. MONK: Want me to put it up for sale, boss? SPOT: Outa my way, Monk. Let ME take the pulpit. Here you are, lady. Right over this way. . . . (Professional voice) Take a close look at this—a rare early Norwegian buckle. . ‘ What am I offered for this very choice, all hand-designed, solid gold-plated, specially imported foreign gem?... STOOGE (off): I wear suspenders—but Ill give you fifty cents. MILLICENT (crisply—laugh© ing a little): Five dollars. SPOT (excited): Five dollars . .. the lady bids five dollars. Is there a raise? STOOGE (again): The lady raised me four-fifty—I’ll raise her five... TEN dollars! MILLICENT: Fifteen. SPOT (quickly): The lady says fifteen. . . . And for fifteen I'll say sold... STOOGE | (interrupting): Twenty! SPOT: If I know the gentleman... he means twenty cents . . . the lady has the bid at fifteen.... . SECOND STOOGE: Twentyve. MILLICENT (calmly): Thirty. SPOT (relieved): Thirty dollars the lady says ... madame just step right up here.... FIRST STOOGE: Thirty-five. SECOND STOOGE: Thirtyeight. MILLICENT: Forty. FIRST STOOGE: Forty-five. MILLICENT: Fifty. SPOT (quickly): SOLD to the lady! For fifty dollars. ... I certainly hate to see this valuable buckle given away like this. Step right up and get your buckle. . . . This was certainly your lucky day, lady... . (To crowd) And now, ladies and gentlemen — that concludes the auction for this morning. .. . Next sale starting at one o’clock —personally conducted by yours truly ... Spot Cash Cutler... . Till then .. . ladies and gentlemen... adieu.... (Murmur of voices — door opens — murmur fades—door closes.) NARRATOR: The crowd has gone ... Monk and the stooges are in a back room... . Spot is on the platform counting Millicent’s money. He hears a movement back of the showcase and —lifting his head—is surprised to see a pretty, shabbily-dressed, starved-looking girl. As he starts toward her, she grasps her big pocketbook tightly and stares at him like a frightened child. SPOT: Want this room permanent, sister—or by the week? BARBARA (almost a_ whispeb)<s Em Sopry «0. acc 5 SPOT: Didn’t you see the crowd leave? BARBARA: I don’t feel so good .... and.L..4... 1 had to: sit down a minute. SPOT: Well, the minute’s up. Why don’t you go home and go to bed? BARBARA (trying to laugh— making a rather tearful attempt at it): That’s a grand idea. SPOT (suspiciously): Don’t spring the old one .. . that you slept on a park bench last night. BARBARA (bitterly, breaking in): Only until 12 o’clock—the "ops chase you off at midnight. I spent the rest of the night on a fire-escape landing. SPOT: Well, I never heard THAT one before. I suppose you haven’t eaten for three days, either. ... BARBARA Well... SPOT: I was just going out to get a thick sirloin ...anda big baked potato—and a lot of hot biscuits dripping with butter.... BARBARA (breathlessly): Please stop. . . You handle jewelry here. . . . I wonder if you...if you’d... buy a watch. «.. 1t’s'in my purse ‘here. . <I. ... Here it is! SPOT: Hmmmm.... (evasively): BARBARA: Do you... that is... will you? SPOT: How much? BARBARA: Well... what ever you say... two dollars. SPOT: This your watch? BARBARA: Yes... it belonged to my... my uncle.... He’s dead. SPOT: Mhm.... When did he buy it? 3 BARBARA: I don’t know... about twenty years ago... I guess.... SPOT: Justa. minute: 2... (Calling) Oh, Monk— MONK (off, opening door): Yeah, boss. SPOT: Hand me that tray of watches... out at the end of the showcase. MONK (in scene): Okay. ... (Sliding of showcase door) Here you are. SPOT: Watch me close, sister. See, ’m puttin’ your watch in with the lot ... (sound of action) I’m mixin’ ’em all up like this, see. Now w’ich is w’ich.... ; BARBARA (disturbed): Well, SPOT (sarcastically): Too bad your uncle ain’t alive to pick out his own watch ... because I’ll bet YOU can’t.... BARBARA: Why did you.... SPOT: Sorry, sister. I can’t buy your uncle’s watch. I don’t handle stolen property—with all the cops around. MONK: Oh, so that was her game, huh? SPOT: Watta you mean, game? MONK: Lis’n boss—I saw this dame standing back behind the counter! BARBARA (desperately): All right—lI stole it. I’m not hungry —I’m STARVING—go on... call the police! At least in jail I'll get something to eat and a place to sleep.... SPOT: Nice little act, eh, Monk? MONK (too much for words): Chee! (sound of fall) Say—she’s fainted! SPOT: Go get a doctor . step on it, Stupe! MONK: Sure! (Door slams.) SPOT (softly): Hey, kiddo, wake up. . (Bawling out fiercely) Hey, you guys out there My open that door. ... (Kicks it: STOOGE: What inthe... SPOT: Take them things off that couch. ...I gotta put her down. ... Get outa here... both OW syaeia .; SECOND STOOGE (trying to be funny): I bid fifty pad ie . Rees (slyly): T’ll go a UGK yess SPOT (roaring): Cut it out, you donkeys! And beat it, I tellya.... NARRATOR: When the doctor comes he says that food is what Barbara needs and Spot sees to it that she gets it. He and his helpers find other quarters for the night—and she stays in the back room. Before Spot gets back Barbara has cleaned things up and when he comes with a huge supply of ham and eggs, coffee and rolls she gets breakfast. He Insists she sit down and he spreads out his morning paper and looks quite"the man of the family. He can’t help but notice the beauty of the girl (sound of knives and forks, etc.): SPOT: By the way what are your plans? BARBARA: Well, I’ve been looking for a job for two weeks ... but... what difference does that make. ... You won’t see me again after I get the dishes washed. ... You may not know it but ’m awfully grateful—that you didn’t have me arrested for the watch ...I stole... and for taking care of me. : SPOT (casually): Why don’t you stick around till something turns up? BARBARA (with a little laugh): I couldn’t very well do viel diag SPOT: Why not? I... BARBARA: Won’t you have another cuppa coffee... SPOT: Don’t mind if Ido... say ...I was just thinkin’... you can take one of them empty rooms across the hall... and you can cook for me and the boys. ... Besides this is the first time this igloo has been cleaned up in a month. ... oe That’s nice of you axe Ute. « SPOT: We could use you around the store ... circulate among the men and women and make ’em feel at home. ... BARBARA: Yes? SPOT: Between helping there and out here, I can afford to give you a job until you find something better. Wattaya say, sister ? BARBARA (choking up): All right. ... I can’t tell you how eeEOW ss SPOT: Aw, forget it, it’s a deal. ... Put ’er there. ... BARBARA: You’re awfully nate 200s. ote SPOT: Oh, yeah? Gladya think so ... oh, and say. ... . You'll need a better front tha ya came in here with—So here’s (pause) twenty bucks ... advance on your salary. . .. Get out and get yourself a new dress and some shoes that ain’t so ventilated.:..... BARBARA: Gee. . wonderful. ... SPOT (suddenly breaking out in great excitement): Lookit, this, willya, right on the front page! ... BARBARA: What? SPOT: You know that buckle I sold to that swell dame with the monkey shofer for fifty bucks. .9. : BARBARA: Yes.... SPOT: Blamed fourfiusher ... listen to this! “The Metropolitan Museum of Art is today in possession of one of the most extraordinary art objects it has acquired in recent years. Miss Millicent Clark of 980 Central Park West, yesterday sold the museum a... (struggles with the words) Benvenuto Cellini belt buckle for . you’re BARBARA (gasping): Five .cnousand:. .-. dollarss;.:. . (Outer door bursts open.) SPOT: Get an earful of this, boysee ss STOOGES (in unison): We seen it.... SPOT (like a madman): FIVE THOUSAND BUCKS! STOOGE: The paper’s sure got your number, boss! SPOT: Wattaya mean, number? SECOND STOOGE: Didn’t ya read it all? ... Calls ya a heifwitted auctioneer. . . . Says you’re broken-hearted because ya maced a certain dame out of fifty bones for a five thousand dollar piece of junk! STOOGE: Here it is... here . .. feast your eyes on it—boss! (Rustle of newspaper.) SPOT (wildly): Well of all the gyp rackets! And she thinks I’m tunny, huh? ... What’s her address? She won’t look so pretty laughing, with all her teeth out! SECOND STOOGE: The poor little helpless female sucker lives at 980 Central Park West... . SPOT: She’ll kid about me, will she? Darn little bucklebuyin’ babboon! She won’t kid when I get through with her! She’ll SPLIT THE DOUGH! ... 2500 of that 5 grand is coming to Spot Cash Cutler! Get me? Ya better believe she’ll spit! Grab me a taxi, stooge! STOOGE: Okay, boss! (Rushes off, door bangs.) SPOT: Get me my cane, YOU! SECOND STOOGE: Righto, boss! (Heard beating it, door slams.) BARBARA (rather timidly): You aren’t going to her house are you? SPOT: Sure I’m goin’ to her house, sister! Why not? BARBARA: Oh nothing, only... SPOT: Only wat? Out with it! BARBARA (decidedly but sweetly): I don’t like that woman.... STOOGES (shouting from door): TAXI’S HERE! SPOT: So long, sis. ... (Door slams ... starting taxi... fading.) NARRATOR: But this is only the beginning of the wild adventures of “Spot Cash” Cutler, Millicent, Barbara, and a host of other outlandishly funny people in “I Sell Anything,” which comes to the ......... Theatre fist dean Sere _.. next. Till then good bye and good luck. (THE END) Page Fifteen