Merry Wives of Reno (Warner Bros.) (1934)

HAMMOND woman. ie-wookie. vf a sugar daddy. i Station Announcement ' followed by MINCER: By arrange sith Manager of _... Theatre, friends, Je to present for your mt flashes of the ion of “Merry Wives the Warner Bros. pic ing Margaret Lind Woods, Guy Kibbee, ll, Ruth Donnelly favorites. Mr. (name ) will briefly explain fon as the sketch opens. OR: The time is ing. The scene 1s the ya of the Frank Hammonds as large apartment house. ‘Wie first anniversary of their —_ pert first year of bbee, | i Madge still sleeps, her ugh. jgread very prettily over the , Frank, a good-looking, y young man sits up in bed t with the world in gen nd himself and iar, He yawns and stretch ‘ wife in 1 sits : ethan =}. }uuriously : nd dinr aati Oh, hum y mar pons if the (WOGE: (wakening murmur thinks © ees RANK: Well, well—-anether 18 Pe bs heard from— ld like 5° ogramAGE: (cutely feminine and like to ily) Remember me, h ney ’ instead a a on (lightly) If I'm not 2 you're the loving little ies and ; ts who's celebrating her first vney in PUR anniversary! age ee: You're not mistaken, ‘ would our modern irive a Mis think of me—celebrat + missed Cae wh my husband! : _ PUNE: You'd be thrown Kings * ton your ear, Mrs, Ham seen & | ticularly ‘Oc: Can't you hear thein doesn’t re Imagine’ On her first an 9 to one Fty—she was with her huse it. So i of all people ipede has Ray. Thi as evel Binoy h Usk you can stfng ne made gi another vear with ‘Sime husband ? at night. Der. and she B: Lots more, honey “On be os A: You've given me a ing. She @° Well year, Madge f popeom : DOR: rn on the ~~ (with mock haughti © you one of > his a gun of the best = “ it my life! | » {o the @yr. e talks | : Thanks, Mrs. Ham lone. She OR t get we * But you're the one vr a clock ‘Made it best— — at night PAN: g ore she Te as 5 AND Way—I didn’ op | didn't forget your d tests the ry pr ese rod es to sleeP P%tt for pig You've got ny thing in 4 é _put wou (Sound of TY out ‘ bin ai of bed — elatters wm pers) Where in the y 2. der a picture tiny n the bed! No. award & y Under the bed! Is it ; ma ve Or a little one? , an = vary big! ater pita” a : her scree (Bd ae Then it shouldn't Din > epe: of door = ia ec sari here it is—Oh, is ‘re aDOR -Pet Ces aa x thrown to floor) ce f oy not! FRANK! j user wanted for— OTHER 1 FIVE CHARACTERS: (Margaret Lindsay) : hits Reno by mistake. HAMMOND (Donald Woods? : 3 blonde man-baiter. ER (Guy Kibbee) : ER (Ruth Donnelly? : an’ FITCH (Glenda Farrell) : Merry young Her husband, vicBald and bibulous mate of a His hard-swatting ‘Sociable’ blonde wife “dd to the local appeal of this humorous sketch by javing the parts played by local people. This will mean yews stories before and after broadcast. FRANK: Like :t, sweet? MADGE: N(' (Sound of seuf fle No' k asses or don't FRANK: Want to strangle me? MADGE: | do’ Ob! Oh! course l break away, Woman: FRANK: Keallys like it? MADGE: I love it, dear But | love you more and wait! Just to prove I didn't forget the an Here's my gift niversary either for YOU! FRANK: An free, Madge, that's swell OVERCOAT! Maybe I'll be able to appear in public, our fur coat, after Boy! with you and ¥ all’ JUST the fit’ MADGE: Lets pose here be fore the murror and see what we really DO look like! FRANK: Lets MADGE: Arent we the ucky ip e' FRANK: Say, do you know, kid. we make a fairl) nice-looking young couple, don't we now? MADGE: A very nice looking couple--in spite of the pajama FRANK T} add te the ef et, 1f ask me! MADGE is You hurry | get ; ! ‘ l star FRANK: ‘)) ghifu \ mr NI PQ « pr MADGE Vhat’? «to hersei FRANK: You k ull this Married life can realty be sort { : . . tden j is t sid lroom Wa . side has . iy «CAA sinst the “ MADGE: Our neighbors don't seem to ugree with is more enince—indistinct sagry _¥olc[ee FRANK: And the: certainly NEVER agree with each other. But what do you expect, old bald headed soak ike Frazer pie faced nagger like his dear lois! (another bang next door) MADGE: Oh, well, what have the Frasers to do with us? off) come on let's eat! FRANK: door shuts. Clatter next (their door Suits me keeps up and is now so loud we know we're in the Frazer bed room LOIS: (<tirill voice) from behind that couch! out of there, | say! TOM: (off, listen, snookie wookie | Come out Come pleading) No, don't want to engage im any brawls LOIS: (menacingly) What did vou sav? TOM: LOIS: Here's that VASE you gave me, you dope! Brawls—-dear TOM: Please, please, darling, no brawls LOIS: The same to you! (bang crash, she has hurled the vase at him) TOM: (off) Please, dearest! 0-MINUT LOIS: Come on out of that, I tell you! TOM: (off, weakly) Mayn't I just please— LOIS: Say—if you don’t want me to wrap this brass candlestick around your neck—you'll— TOM: (wheedlingly) All right, little snookie-wookie—but don’t don't strike! Now that you've finally ordered the fur coat—I suppose I've got to pay for it—! LOIS: Oh, you do, do you? TOM: Yes, dear—but the $2500 dollars is apt to drive me right into bankruptey. LOIS: If you don’t pay it, they're apt to drive you to the morgue! So it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. Now come on out and get your breakfast. Sit down there! TOM: Yes, dear. LOIS: And soon as breakfast’s over—you'll put your John Henry on that $2500 check—! TOM: The #2500 is only the initial cost, too—(sound of gulping) Ugh! LOIS: So you don’t like the coffee I make, don't you! TOM: (momentarily a bold bad man) In the nineteen years since we've been married I’ve never had a chance to find out whether you ean make coffee or not— You always start a free-for-all before I get started to eat—Give me the paper! (rustle of grabbing paper) LOIS: Give YOU the paper? Look at this! This is what some husband's going to do to you! READ it and WEEP! TOM: (reading) “HUSBAND SLAYS PIANO TUNER FOUND IN WIFE'S FLAT’—What’s that got to do with me—I don't go around tuning ladies’ pianos! Oh, yeah? LOIS: (with fine sarcasm) No I suppose Dll never be lueky enough to have you killed. TOM: You may have to do it yourself and use the insurance money to pay for that coat. LOIS: me—I was That reminds reading your poliey the other day—and I see vou're permitted to commit suicide any time after the first vear. TOM: Somebody should have shot me the day I married you. LOIS: You wouldn't have felt it. You were too drunk! (easually over TOM: Aw, you—you—gosh a mighty off} you make # man want to LOIS: (catehes) Where do you think you're going? TOM: (off) Going to pieces-—— LOIS: Here! Come back here! Don't you try the sneakaroo on me! Take these beads of mine to the jewelers. They have to be restrung. TOM: (off) Say, what am I around here, the errand boy? LOIS: Yes—you aren't good for anything else— TOM: I won't take your blamed beads—so there! LOIS: Then GET OUT OF HERE! (great banging and hullabaloo as she pushes him out, calling) And see if you-can come home sober for a change! (door slams ) LOIS: (to herself) Dope— TOM: (door opens softly, he speaks musically) Snookie-wookie—! LOIS: (viciously) What? TOM: Will you divorce me for fifty dollars a week? LOIS I will for a HUNDRED and fifty! TOM: (eager for a deal) Seventy-five. LOIS: (calm and determined) WARNER AIR H You're pretty low but you're not in the bargain basement— TOM: (meekly) I have to live, too, dearie! LOIS: WHY?—now get out (hasty banging of door) MADGE: (off, calling gaily after Frank) And remember, Frank—the big anniversary dinner I’m getting up—don’t forget— FRANK: Not a chance—honey —(her door closes softly) TOM: (off) Hello, Hammond, late, ain’t you— FRANK: Morning, Frazer— (fading) We’re still in time for the 8:20 NARRATOR: All might have gone well for Frank Hammond if the giddy Bunny Fitch had not happened to go by the boat demonstration-rooms where he was employed. Casting her getyour-man eye on his manly form, she called up, requesting that he be sent at once to her home to give specifications and prices of boats. Bunny’s eccentric middleaged husband Colonel Fitch is supposed to be absent indefinitely—and she snuggles besides the startled Frank on her softest divan, cooing: BUNNY: Now, aren’t we just too cozy, Mr. Hammond. What IS you first name? Oh, now I remember—Frank! I’m _ crazy about the name Frank! FRANE: I’m — ah — disappointed—at not meeting your husband, Mrs. Fitch. BUNNY: (giggly) You’d be much more disappointed, Frank if you had met him— He’s a little screwy on the subject of sheep! FRANK: Sheep? BUNNY: Yes—the Colonel’s a sheep fancier! He won’t be back for weeks! FRANE: Now about the boats. BUNNY: Oh, that’s all right— forget the boats!—Walking past your showrooms this afternoon you looked so—well—ducky— know what I mean (giggly) that I asked the manager to send you up! FRANK: I’m afraid, Mrs. Fitch, you'll have to get another demonstrator—I happen to be a married man! BUNNY: I happen to be a married woman. I'll forgive you if you'll forgive me—. You will, won't you, Frank? (door bell rings sharply) Whoever is that? It's a mistake whoever it is! (off) Wait here, darling, Ill be right back! (outer door is being thumped now) Who is it? (knocking keeps up; she opens it). TOM (very drunk) Hi, Bunny Bunny—jusht happened to be out skatin’-—sho I thought I'd glide in for auld lang syne or a p-piece of cake or sumpin! BUNNY: (furious, off) Why Joe Snodgrass—I told you always to phone before coming up here! TOM: Shay, Bun, can you keep a secret—I ain’t Joe Snodgrass—I’m Tom Frazer—good old Tom Frazer—husban’ of Lois the beautiful—! Get! me— And I lost my nickel— BUNNY: Yes ‘and I suppose you want me to lose my happy home! What if the Colonel should happen int? TOM: But didn’t you tell me Co’onel Fitch was in Denver? You said y'r husban’ wouldn't be back till (suddenly excited, seeing Frank’s overcoat) SHAY! Is that his overcoat? BUNNY: (before she thinks) NO! TOM: NO? Then whose coat is it! Whose coat is it? So! At last I’ve found you out! So! You bring men up here while I’m away! Imazhun that! I work and s-slave and s-sweat to keep you in perfumed luxury— and this is the kind of a woman you turn out to be! BUNNY: Shut up, you dumb ape! TOM: (going wild with it) Pll face the man! I’ll— BUNNY: Don’t you DARE go in there! TOM: Outa my way, woman! (sound of scuffle—squeak from Bunny) I'll riddle him (off) with bullets! I’ll— BUNNY: (off, squawking) Tom, don’t Tom— TOM: Don't you try to h-hold me! Let me at him! Aside, aside —foul woman! (to his supposed rival) Come out, YOU! Whoever you are! Wherever you're hid! Come out! BUNNY: Don’t harm him, Joe, don’t—he— TOM: (cut to the quick) Like a thief in the night he comes here to steal your love! And you dare ask me to show mercy! (witheringly ) You rodent— at last I’ve caught you! You—! There, there he must be—in that closet! BUNNY: Don’t—don't that door—please Joe! TOM: Oh, yes I will— COME OUT! Come out before I break! down the door! ( sound of door jerked open) —well, V’ll be— FOILED AGAIN! It’s empty— (changing to woozy wistfulness ) He’s gone— BUNNY: You bald-headed baboon—! TOM: (on the trail again) Oho! Now I get it—The window’s open— He’s went out the window!—Boy oh boy—H-he wwent out the window (begins to laugh — uproariously — mau dlinly) Oh, ho ho ho, he—(sings) “Out the window you must go— you must go— (sudden imperative knocking at outer door) BUNNY: (in excited whisper) Who’s that? TOM: (scared stiff) Yeah—wwho’s that? (seven spaced knocks) BUNNY: It’s my HUSBAND! TOM: (whispering) W-what'll I do? BUNNY: (all aflutter) What’ll YOU do? What’ll I do? It’s every man for himself right now. Oh, ho, what ever shall I do! I thought he was in DENVER! TOM: I wish I was in Denver! (off) Gosh, I can’t jump out the window like that other feller did! It’s too high—(louder, raprap-rap, rap-rap-rap, RAP—followed by the louder ‘Baaaa’ of a sheep outside the door) BUNNY: He’s got Eloise with him— TOM: Who’s Eloise— BUNNY: His pet ram—he butts something dreadful—I see your finish—(fiercer knocking) BUNNY: I must let them jun—! TOM: Don’t Bunny — don’t — don’t BUNNY: (key turns in lock, door opens she speaks joyfully) Why, Colonel—ducky—I didn’t expect you for another week! (Ram evidently rushes in— sounds of “Baaa” mingled with crashing glass—“Baaaa”—) TOM: (through the wild com open motion) Help! Help! (fiercer sounds of ‘Baaa’ and louder ructions) NARRATOR: And this, my friends, is but a hint of the fast and furious complications which involve not only Bunny, Tom, Frank, the Battering Ram and the Colonel—but hard-swatting Lois, pretty Madge—and a lot of innocent bystanders—in one of the most hilarious comedies of the season. “Merry Wives of Reno” comes to the .....--5 Theatre next. Till then goodbye and good luck. 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