Radio mirror (Nov 1938-Apr 1939)

RADIO MIRROR flaps his wings, and makes a pass at Sparks' jugular vein.) Quiet, you stand-in for a feather duster. A minute alone with you and I'd give you poison. Horatio: A minute alone with you and I'd take it! Sparks: (He's getting worried now.) Hmm, a feathered Wallington. Horatio: (Smugly.) Sticks and stones will break my bones, but Sparks will never hurt me. Sparks: You know, Wallington, I've been all over, and seen a lot of things. I've seen the Grand Canyon. I've seen the Pyramids of Egypt, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. I've seen the Seven Wonders of the World. But I had to come home to see a feathered skunk crossed with a phonograph. Horatio: Oh well, I'm nobody's fool. Sparks: Oh, an orphan, huh? Wallington: Don't mind Horatio, Ned, he'll grow on you. Sparks: (Bitterly.) Oh, a wart. (There's a pause here for the Texaco commercial, which Sparks usually interrupts. Tonight, though, he's too crushed, and doesn't say a word. Horatio's just looking for a chance like this.) Horatio: Say, Sparks, aren't you going to interrupt Jimmy? Where are you, Sparksie? Sparks: Wrapped up in my thoughts. Horatio: Oh, a nudist. Sparks: Is there a taxidermist in the house? Man: (In the audience.) I'm a taxidermist. Sparks: Do you stuff birds? Man: Yes. Sparks: Well, stuff this one in an ashcan. (So far it looks like a draw, with both Horatio and Sparks retiring to lick their wounds. But the next week a new opponent appears on the scene — Eddie Cantor. Sparks takes one look at him and says: ) Sparks: Who's that half -pint, Wallington? Wallington: Haven't you ever heard of Eddie Cantor, the comedian? Sparks: I've heard of Eddie Cantor. Eddie: (Angrily.) Yes, and you'll keep hearing of Eddie Cantor long after you've gone back into the woodwork. Sparks: I knew you were coming on this program. I read it in the weather report: "Big Wind Leaves New York." (Eddie groans, and Horatio squawks, figuring that he's been neglected long enough.) Horatio: Where's the spinach, where's the spinach? Wallington: What do you mean, where's the spinach? Horatio: Isn't that Popeve the Sailor? Eddie: Hmmm, the Mad Russian, with wings. What is this, a program or a freak show? Sparks: So you're wondering too? Horatio: What do you suppose Ida saw in him, Sparksie? Eddie: Oh yeah? I'll have you know that in my youth I was the darling of famous women. Sparks: How did you make out with Betsy Ross? Eddie: What are they doing to me? Look what happens to me on the radio. I start out with Parkyakarkus, then it's the Mad Russian, and then it's Guffey that makes life miserable for me. Now I'm being heckled by the son of Frankenstein and a flying Mickey Finn. Sparks: What did you call me? Eddie: The son of Frankenstein. Sparks: Daddy! (And Eddie retires in defeat. But Wallington thinks he can sign a truce between Sparks and Horatio.) Wallington: Listen here, Sparks, we can't have all this bickering and hard feelings. Sparks, why don't you be nice and make friends with Horatio? Sparks: Okay, Jimmy. Polly want a cracker? Horatio: (Cooing.) Cracker? Polly wants a cracker. Polly loves crackers. Sparks: All right, here you are. Horatio: Oh, I love crackers. Thank you. What pretty crackers! (There's a loud explosion — squawks from Horatio — then a series of minor explosions.) Wallington: What happened, Ned? I thought you were going to give Horatio some crackers. Sparks: I did — fire crackers. (More explosions, and then one immense crash at the end.) Sparks: Hmmm, sounds like Horatio hit the jackpot. (Sparks is definitely the winner of this round. But can he stay on top? A little thing like a package of fire crackers isn't going to bother Horatio. We aren't predicting the eventual victor— but we do know this: if you'll tune in the Star Theater on Wednesday nights on CBS, you'll hear the next round in this battle of the century.) ?? This Powder is so flattering...and it stays on, too" AKE A hint from the famous stars of the screen and you will look lovelier. Choose your color harmony shade of face powder created by Max Factor, Hollywood, and see how positively beautiful it makes your skin appear. Note how it imparts an attractive satinsmooth make-up that remains lovely for hours . . . $1.00. Joan Fontaine in RKO-Radio's "Gunga Din" ROUGE... Max Factor's Rouge always appears lifelike. Try the color harmony shade for your type and see the amazing difference. ..50£. Tru-color lipstick It's new and it's a sensation! Just note these four amazing features . . u) lifelike red of your lips. . . (2) non-doing but indelible. . . (3) safe for sensitive lips... (4) eliminates lipstick line . .. $1.00. J M HC fiaiYfirPO^^ MAX FACTOR MAKE-UP STUDIO. HOLLYWOOD Send Pune.Siae Box of Po» Jcr, Rouge Sampler inj minururr Ttxi < trior Ltpsiiclc m mj color harmony >hjji I enclose icn ctntt for poiragc Jnd hjnjlinv: Also scn.l me mj < oloi Harmon) Make-Up c ban am] lllmirateil InslruKiiin Book."!"** Nm An ./ Sunn M*kt-Vf FREE. 25-4-50 NAME. *HOL LYWOOD 79